- Oliver Reeder: Who wants to go and watch bollockvision?
- Hugh Abbott: Bollockvision?
- Oliver Reeder: Mr. Malcolm Tucker, turning it all the way up to eleven down in the lobby. Come and have a look.
- [cut to them all watching Tucker shouting at another minister on an adjacent floor from a balcony]
- Hugh Abbott: Poor Keith. Malcolm must fucking love this place, four ministers in one building. It's his dream, a one-stop bollock shop.
- Glenn Cullen: Trouble is we're going to be getting some of that in about an hour.
- Hugh Abbott: Yeah. I don't know which is worse, watching him slowly rumble towards you like a prostate cancer or him appearing suddenly out of nowhere like a severe stroke.
- [Terri, whose father just died, looks at him]
- Hugh Abbott: Oh. How's your sister coping?
- Malcolm Tucker: So, did you enjoy the show?
- Glenn Cullen: You were magnificent, darling!
- Hugh Abbott: Yeah, should I phone Keith so I can get his team to watch you bollock me now?
- Malcolm Tucker: No no no. Have I got my bollocking face on?
- Hugh Abbott: Well, I...
- Malcolm Tucker: [making a seriously scary face] No, this is my bollocking face.
- Hugh Abbott: Oh, crickey, yes. Thanks for the pot plant, by the way.
- Malcolm Tucker: Did I send that?
- Hugh Abbott: As an office warming present.
- Malcolm Tucker: Christ, she's a great PA isn't she, Sam? She always remembers the little people. Look at the size of that fucker, you can fucking crucify somebody on that!
- Claire Ballantine: Are you lying to me now about not lying to me before?
- Hugh Abbott: No, No... I am not a liar! I categorically did not knowingly not tell the truth, even though unknowingly i might not have done.
- Oliver Reeder: [to Terri] Apparently The Sun are running a cartoon with you being arrested by a cunt-stable.
- Man from another office: [interrupting a loud argument in Hugh's office] I'm sorry, can you stop swearing please?
- Malcolm Tucker: [walks right up to his face] I'm really sorry, you won't hear any more swearing from us, YOU MASSIVE, GAY SHITE! FUCK OFF!
- Hugh Abbott: So, citizenshit. What we need to do to knock together some nice, touchy-feely, fondle-y, sneaky, hand-in-the-bra sort of policies.
- Glenn Cullen: New bicycles for special constables, that sort of thing?
- Hugh Abbott: Yeah. Yeah.
- Oliver Reeder: Making special needs kids clean up graffiti.
- Hugh Abbott: Yeah, that's just very mean.
- Oliver Reeder: Well, yes. Not, of course, as mean as making them spell graffiti. That genuinely is very mean.
- Glenn Cullen: [gets up and leaves] I'll go and have a word with Malcolm.
- Oliver Reeder: OK.
- Hugh Abbott: You just took a shit with your clothes on, Olly.
- Oliver Reeder: Why?
- Hugh Abbott: Glenn's boy, Peter, he went to a special needs school.
- Oliver Reeder: Oh.
- Hugh Abbott: Yep.
- Oliver Reeder: Glenn's had sex.
- Hugh Abbott: God, you are such a prick, Olly. There's more to life, you know, than drinks parties at the Foreign Office and having Nick Robinson's mobile number on your fucking Blackberry.
- Oliver Reeder: All right, all right, fine. Sorry, Hugh. I feel for the guy, I had a girlfriend with special needs once, so I know.
- [with a smile]
- Oliver Reeder: Luckily I was able to fulfil them.
- Hugh Abbott: Oh, God, you're such a...
- Hugh Abbott: [looking at a 7 foot pot plant in his office] Where did that come from?
- Oliver Reeder: Oh, Malcolm sent it.
- Hugh Abbott: It's far too big. Why did he send it?
- Oliver Reeder: Er, office warming present.
- Hugh Abbott: So why did he send us a present?
- Oliver Reeder: I dunno.
- Hugh Abbott: Has security checked this?
- Oliver Reeder: What for? Tiny little terrorists?
- Hugh Abbott: Yes.
- Oliver Reeder: It's a plant! "Yes"?
- Malcolm Tucker: I like your tan, by the way. Have you declared it? Staying at the villa of an influential friend?
- Hugh Abbott: I haven't got any influential friends, Malcolm. You are my only influential friend.
- Malcolm Tucker: Oh, yeah, and I'm not really your friend anyway.
- Hugh Abbott: You're not really my friend.
- Malcolm Tucker: So, this super-schools bill. You don't think it's so super, do you?
- Hugh Abbott: You're doing it now.
- Malcolm Tucker: What?
- Hugh Abbott: That's your bollocking face.
- Malcolm Tucker: Right, Terri, you're gonna give a press conference in 90 minutes and you're gonna apologise. There's your statement, learn it.
- Terri Coverley: I... I organize the press conferences, I don't give them.
- Malcolm Tucker: God, right, ok well, seen as you're not used to this, I'll go through it for you, ok? What happens at a press conference is this - a bunch of press people are gonna appear, they got things called cameras and microphones and mobile phones and hangovers and bad breath. Then you are gonna walk out and you're gonna read from what we call a "prepared statement". In that you will say "I'm really fucking sorry for sounding like a hairy arsed docker after twelve pints. I promise that I will never call an 8 year old girl a cunt again. Can we now just draw a line over this and fucking move on? Thank you". Everybody goes home and then we wait and we see what happens. The best case is you get keep your job, although you will forever be known as The Sweary Woman of Whitehall.
- Terri Coverley: Did you send an e-mail this morning, about me, calling me a cunt?
- Oliver Reeder: No! No, I never use that word, let alone about you, no, absolutely, I won't use it until, you know, it's been fully normalized and has no further assosiation with the... female twat.
- Hugh Abbott: Is Tucker in the building?
- Oliver Reeder: Malcolm in the Middle.
- Hugh Abbott: Huh?
- Oliver Reeder: It's what they're calling him, 'cause he can stand in the middle of the atrium and just shout at all the departments.
- Hugh Abbott: Well, I don't want to see him, not at the moment.I can't take one of his scenes from The Exorcist just now.
- Malcolm Tucker: Right. How're you doing, in sorting out whether he lied or not, you doing ok?
- Oliver Reeder: Pretty well, yeah.
- Malcolm Tucker: Is that a lie?
- Oliver Reeder: Yeah.
- Malcolm Tucker: That is not fucking funny, you retard!... I'm sorry about that, Glenn, the situation's just...
- Hugh Abbott: Just grow up, Terri!
- Terri Coverley: You should be the one that's doing the growing up!
- Hugh Abbott: I am a fucking grown-up, thank you!
- Terri Coverley: You could have fooled me, Hugh!
- Hugh Abbott: Glenn's son could have fooled you! No offence, Glenn. I'm sorry.
- Hugh Abbott: Christ, Malcolm, how do you appear out of nowhere in a building made entirely of glass?
- Malcolm Tucker: I'm a shape shifter.
- Hugh Abbott: [entering the new offices] Bit too light and airy for my liking.
- [points at some backless, bench-like purple sofas]
- Hugh Abbott: Ooh, and... these are awful. Do we have to have those? They look like Alicia's Barbie furniture
- Terri Coverley: Do you think they match?
- Hugh Abbott: Well, they can't... Not if you're going to wear that dress. One of them's going to have to go and I'd rather it was the sofas.
- Oliver Reeder: [standing several floors up in the atrium of their new building, looking down] Good spot for a suicide, this, I would think. Good long drop, appreciate audience.
- Robyn Murdoch: What if you just broke your back? You know... you'd be paralysed for life and you'd still be depressed about the thing that was depressing you in the first place.
- Terri Coverley: What are these, erm, hangy-down things?
- Oliver Reeder: Oh, they're acoustic baffles. They stop it get too echoey, innit.
- Robyn Murdoch: So when you're breaking your back, nobody can hear you screaming?
- Oliver Reeder: Well, that is the kind of attention to detail that you get in a PFI building
- Malcolm Tucker: [shouting up from the lobby] HEY! GET BACK TO WORK, ALL OF YOU!