- The Doctor: You'd need a phaser drill to get through that thick skull of his!
- Dr. Zimmerman: Get out!
- Counselor Deanna Troi: Gentlemen...
- Dr. Zimmerman: Oh, spare us your psychobabble!
- Counselor Deanna Troi: I came here thinking that you were opposite sides of the same coin, identical but different. Now I see you're both exactly the same - you're both jerks!
- Leonard the Iguana: Jerks.
- The Doctor: Try to leave a few of my enhancements intact. I don't want to look like every other EMH on the block.
- The Doctor: I ran a mitochondrial scan. There was something... odd about the results, so I spent a full hour analyzing, and what did I discover? He's a Vulcan marsupial. He reconfigured my tricorder!
- Dr. Zimmerman: Reginald was right about you. You HAVE exceeded the sum of your programing. You've accomplished far more than I would have ever predicted but, let's face facts, you never overcame the inherent flaws in your personality subroutines. You're arrogant, irritable - a 'jerk', as Counselor Troi would say.
- The Doctor: I believe she was describing YOU as well.
- Dr. Zimmerman: Don't change the subject.
- Dr. Zimmerman: Do you know how humiliating it is to have 675 Mark Ones out there scrubbing plasma conduits... all with my face?
- Haley: Lieutenant Barclay is here to see you.
- Dr. Zimmerman: I told you I wasn't...
- Haley: He says it's urgent.
- Dr. Zimmerman: Can't it wait till I'm dead?
- [the Doctor is going to be sent to the Alpha Quadrant through a data stream]
- Seven of Nine: I've removed your singing algorithms. They'll be stored in the memory buffer until you return.
- The Doctor: Why?
- Seven of Nine: Your program's too large for the data stream. I have to extract all non-essential subroutines.
- The Doctor: They're essential to me. They're part of who I am.
- Seven of Nine: Are you planning on performing opera during your visit?
- The Doctor: No.
- Seven of Nine: Will you be reciting poetry?
- The Doctor: Doubtful.
- Seven of Nine: Hoverball? Holophotography?
- The Doctor: I may want to take a few snapshots to document my trip.
- Seven of Nine: Sexual activities?
- The Doctor: I get the point.
- The Doctor: I was compressed into a data stream and transmitted from the Delta Quadrant.
- Dr. Zimmerman: [grouchy] Congratulations. I recommend a tour of Jupiter's third moon. I hear the lava flows are lovely this time of year.
- Dr. Zimmerman: You brought a Mark One 30,000 light years to treat me? I was wrong about you, Reginald, you do have a sense of humor.
- Dr. Zimmerman: Enough questions! Finish your scans and get out of here!
- The Doctor: Doctor?
- Dr. Zimmerman: I said get out of here!
- The Doctor: I traveled halfway across the galaxy to treat you. The least you could do is show a little gratitude.
- Dr. Zimmerman: Thank you. GET OUT OF HERE!
- Haley: Sounds like you're making progress.
- The Doctor: How so?
- Haley: He only teases people he likes.
- The Doctor: Then he must love me.
- [Dr. Zimmerman has proposed sending a Mark IV back to Voyager]
- Barclay: They don't want a Mark IV. They want their friend.
- Dr. Zimmerman: No EMH was ever designed to be anyone's friend! He's just a hologram!
- Haley: Is that how you feel about me? Just a hologram?
- [he stares at her]
- Dr. Zimmerman: I will not be ambushed in my own lab.
- Dr. Zimmerman: Well... I guess it is comforting to know that... at least one of you is still doing what I designed you to do.
- The Doctor: We should begin the procedure. Please - give me a chance to make you proud of me.
- Dr. Zimmerman: [after a pause] Maybe we could... try it. See how it goes.
- The Doctor: See how it goes.
- Dr. Zimmerman: Just don't expect me to put you in my will.
- The Doctor: To your knowledge, have you been exposed to theta radiation?
- Dr. Zimmerman: No.
- The Doctor: Neutron flux?
- Dr. Zimmerman: Never.
- The Doctor: Have you had intimate relations with a Bolian?
- Dr. Zimmerman: These are questions first year medical students would ask!
- The Doctor: I'm just being thorough.
- Leonard the Iguana: Just being thorough.
- The Doctor: Undercover insects? Talking iguanas? This isn't a research station! It's a... three... ring... circus! You should charge admission!
- The Doctor: Computer, deactivate iguana.
- Dr. Zimmerman: How dare you!
- The Doctor: I'm a doctor, not a zoo keeper.
- The Doctor: [after squashing Roy the holographic fly with a book] Finally. I've accomplished something.
- Seven of Nine: [looking at Dr. Zimmerman's profile] You bear a striking resemblance.
- The Doctor: He used his own physical parameters as a model for my matrix. Can't say I blame him. A doctor needs to inspire confidence in his patients. Compassionate eyes and a strong chin can go a long way.
- Haley: Lunch!
- Dr. Zimmerman: [sniffs the air] That's not pork chops.
- Haley: It's salad.
- Dr. Zimmerman: I didn't ask for salad.
- Haley: It's healthy.
- Dr. Zimmerman: I'm dying. A piece of meat won't kill me any quicker.
- The Doctor: I also have an exceptionally high tolerance for difficult patients.
- Dr. Zimmerman: I didn't program you for sarcasm.
- The Doctor: You'll find I'm full of surprises.
- Dr. Zimmerman: You weren't programed to care. You were programed to hold a scalpel.
- The Doctor: I told you, I'm not the same EMH you created six years ago.
- Dr. Zimmerman: Of course, you can sing and dance. I should install you in a Ferengi nightclub.
- Counselor Deanna Troi: The Enterprise is in the middle of a mission. We're nearly seven light years from you.
- Barclay: An important mission?
- Counselor Deanna Troi: They're all important, Reg.
- Counselor Deanna Troi: [on Barclay's Voyager program] So, this is Voyager. I like it.
- The Doctor: It's a remarkable facsimile, but Mr. Barclay did get a few of the details wrong. For one thing, Neelix doesn't purr.
- [Dr. Zimmerman pinches Deanna Troi in the arm]
- Counselor Deanna Troi: Ow!
- The Doctor: He thinks you're a hologram.
- Counselor Deanna Troi: [to Zimmerman] I can assure you I'm quite real!
- Dr. Zimmerman: [quickly closing his dressing gown] Oh. Well, the last beautiful woman to walk in here turned out to be *him*.
- The Doctor: I'll take that as a compliment.
- Barclay: [about Dr. Zimmerman] I take it that you, um, still haven't been able to diagnose him.
- The Doctor: On the contrary. The patient appears to be suffering from an acute case of ARROGANCE!
- Haley: Star date 53292, my program malfunctioned and you canceled a lecture on Vulcan and came all the way home to repair me.
- Dr. Zimmerman: There's nothing worse than addressing a room full of pointy-eared blowhards.
- Dr. Zimmerman: "Emergency Medical Hotheads!" "Extremely Marginal House calls." That's what everyone used to call the Mark Ones, until they were bounced out of the Medical Corps.
- Counselor Deanna Troi: [on Zimmerman's reaction to seeing the Doctor] It must be like staring in a mirror at a reflection you don't want to remember.
- Counselor Deanna Troi: Reg tells me you won't let The Doctor help you.
- Dr. Zimmerman: He's a Mark-1. He's obsolete. I'd be safer in the hands of a Klingon field medic.
- Dr. Zimmerman: You're still searching for that ship, what's it called, Pioneer?
- Barclay: Uh, Voyager.
- Dr. Zimmerman: Your program's been stabilized.
- The Doctor: I - I'm going to be okay?
- Dr. Zimmerman: No, you're going to be better than okay.
- [reinitializes the Doctor's program]
- The Doctor: Welcome to sick bay. How may I help you today?
- The Doctor: Fractal algorithms are notoriously unstable.
- Dr. Zimmerman: In the hands of a novice. Oops.
- The Doctor: Oops? What's oops?