Star Trek: Deep Space Nine (TV Series)

The Magnificent Ferengi (1998)

Armin Shimerman: Quark

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Quark's mother Ishka has been squabbling with Nog] 

  Quark : [to Yelgrun]  Family. You understand.

  Yelgrun : Not really. I was cloned.

• [after a long crawl through the access tunnels, Quark and Rom emerge through a panel - into Sisko's office] 

  Captain Sisko : May I help you, gentlemen?

  Rom : [to Quark]  I was following you.

  Quark : Must have taken a wrong turn.

  Captain Sisko : [deadpan]  It looks that way.

• Quark : It's about the Nagus and Moogie.

  Rom : What about them?

  Quark : They're lovers.

  Rom : Nooo.

  Quark : It's been going on for over a year.

  Rom : Nooooo.

  Quark : She's his secret financial adviser. She helps him run the entire Ferengi Alliance.

  Rom : Nooooooo!

  Quark : Would you stop saying that?

• Quark : Everyone - this is Keevan. We're gonna trade him for Ishka.

  Rom : Hi. I'm Rom. This is Nog, that's Brunt...

  Quark : Rom! He doesn't care.

  Keevan : Truer words have never been spoken. I'll advise you all to send final messages to your loved ones, and make sure your wills are in order.

  Rom : Why?

  Keevan : Because the moment we leave the station you'll have signed your death warrants. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to take a nap.

• [Keevan is trying to escape in the Ferengi ship] 

  Quark : Going someplace?

  Keevan : Apparently not. I couldn't get the impulse engines online.

  Quark : That's because I had Rom disengage the induction matrix.

  Keevan : Then why did you bother chasing me?

  Quark : Because sometimes my brother gets things wrong.

• Quark : You're gonna tell your helmsman to head back to Dominion territory, warp 9.

  Yelgrun : That would leave me stranded here.

  Quark : For a few days.

  Yelgrun : I see, and by the time they return, you'll be long gone.

  Quark : That's the idea.

  Yelgrun : On the other hand I could have my Jem'Hadar storm the infirmary and kill you all.

  Rom : I like our plan better.

• Quark : No one's hiding and no one's escaping and no one's surrendering! What's wrong with you people? Have you forgotten the Battle of Prexnak?

  Rom : Who could forget the most important battle in Ferengi history?

  Quark : Ten Ferengi stood alone against 273 Lytasians.

  Gaila : As I recall, all ten Ferengi were slaughtered.

  Quark : The point is, we Ferengi are just as tough as anyone in the galaxy. And this is our chance to prove it, once and for all.

  Leck : Quark's right. Let's do it for Ishka. Let's do it for the Grand Nagus. Let's do it for Ferengis everywhere!

  Brunt : Let's do it for equal shares of fifty bars of gold-pressed latinum!

  Quark : It always comes down to profit with you people, doesn't it?

  Gaila : We're Ferengi.

  Quark : And that's why I love you! Fifty bars it is, minus my usual finder's fee.

• Rom : I can't go with you. I'm a married man. I have responsibilities, and my responsibilities don't want me to die.

  Quark : I don't want to die either. So let's just concentrate on the reward the Nagus is offering.

  Rom : Reward?

  Quark : Fifty bars of gold-pressed latinum.

  Rom : Fifty bars!

  [knocks his head on the ceiling] 

  Rom : Ow!

  Quark : Which I'm willing to share with you.

  Rom : An even split?

  Quark : Absolutely! Thirty bars for me, and twenty for you.

  Rom : That's not even!

  Quark : It is when you include my finder's fee.

• Leck : How can we be sure these schematics are accurate?

  Nog : 'Sir'.

  Leck : Oh, no need to stand on formality here. Just call me Leck.

  Nog : No, I meant you should call me 'Sir'.

  Leck : Don't be ridiculous.

  Nog : You mean 'Don't be ridiculous, Sir'.

  Quark : Gentleman, please let's not squabble. We're a team Nog.

  Rom : [corrects him]  We're a team, sir.

  Quark : Stay out of this.

• Rom : [proudly]  My son, the soldier!

  Quark : They've ruined him.

• Nog : In a half-hour, we'll have Moogie back and we can all go home.

  [everyone sighs with relief] 

  Gaila : Home - to the torrential rains of Ferenginar.

  Brunt : You know what I miss most? The rotting vegetation.

  Quark : Yep.

  Rom : And the dampness.

  Leck : Oh, to stand once more in those rivers of muck.

  Keevan : Oh, I only wish I could be there with you.

• Nog : [after a lengthy examination of Keevan]  Well, there's no doubt about it. According to these readings, this man is dead.

  Quark : Thank you, Dr. Nog!

• Yelgrun : Your people have a reputation for cunning. I see that it's well-earned. Perhaps one day, the Ferengi will take their place as valued members of the Dominion.

  Quark : Anything's possible.

• [last lines] 

  Rom : So, Brother, how does it feel to be a... hero?

  Quark : You tell me.

  Rom : It feels... good?

  Quark : [laughs]  You bet it does!

• Quark : I once did business with the nephew of the cousin of the stepsister of a friend of the secretary to the Consortium's chief account. Erm... nephew, cousin, stepsister, f-friend... Yeah, that's right...

• Quark : I'm putting together a little rescue mission, and I'd like you to be part of my team.

  Leck : I work alone.

  Quark : You'll be paid in latinum.

  Leck : I don't care about latinum.

  Rom : You're right, his priorities *are* different.

• [in a starbase jail] 

  Quark : How the mighty have fallen.

  Gaila : Cousin Quark.

  Quark : I heard you were arrested on Thalos VI, for vagrancy.

  Gaila : That's all your fault. I was a thriving weapons merchant - until I went into business with you. You ruined me. If I ever get out of here, Cousin, I'll make you pay for what you did to me.

  Quark : [to security officer]  Lower the force field.

  [the force field drops; Quark grabs Gaila by his collar] 

  Quark : Now what exactly is it you were you gonna do to me?

  Gaila : I don't understand.

  Rom : Quark paid your fine. You're a free man.

  Gaila : What do I have to do in return?

  Quark : Earn some latinum.

  Gaila : [smirks]  Tell me more.

• Quark : There you are! I've been looking all over the station for you.

  Rom : Well, you found me. Now you go hide, and I'll search for you!

• Quark : I guess it's time for me to pick up my prisoner.

  Major Kira : Just be careful you don't turn your back on him, Quark. He's not to be trusted.

  Quark : Neither am I.

• Nog : All right, let's head for base camp.

  Gaila : Base camp?

  Quark : He means the infirmary. It's right over there.

  Nog : Come on, let's move it! On the double!

  [Nobody moves] 

  Nog : Well, what are you waiting for?

  Quark : Two slips of latinum for the first man who makes it to the infirmary.

  [Everyone else shoots off to the infirmary] 

  Quark : [to Nog]  I mean 'base camp'.

  Nog : You don't pay your soldiers to do their duty!

  Quark : You do if they're Ferengi.

• Quark : [to his family]  If I even think about doing something like this again, shoot me!

• Yelgrun : Ferengi!

  Quark : I know, I know. You hate us.

• Quark : Um... One... more... thing...

  Yelgrun : Why am I not surprised?

• Quark : [to Rom; while clutching a syrup of squill bottle]  And to think... Just a few short days ago, I was sitting on top of the world... the king of squill. You should've been there, Brother. It was a very delicate negotiation. It could've gone either way... but I took my time, picked my moment, then... went for the kill!

  [smiles] 

  Quark : ...It was beautiful to behold!

• [Quark and Rom have asked Nog to join their budding rescue team of Ferengi to save Ishka, their Moogie] 

  Nog : [flatly]  Not me!

  Rom : But Nog, Moogie needs you!

  Quark : Not to mention your Nagus.

  Rom : They need you, we need you. Say you'll join us. Pleeeaaasse.

  Nog : I'm a Starfleet officer. I can't go running off with you on some half-baked rescue mission! I have duties to perform.

  Rom : [pleading]  But you know how to fire a phaser.

  Quark : Forget it Rom. Don't beg.

  [to Nog] 

  Quark : Too bad though... we *were* going to make you our Strategic Operations Officer.

  [This gets Nog's attention] 

  Nog : You mean like Commander Worf?

  Quark : Exactly like Commander Worf. Think of it, Nog... You'll devise the tactics, come up with a plan of action.

  Rom : You can be the team's drill instructor. Put us through our paces. Prepare us for combat.

  Quark : Turn us into soldiers.

  Nog : [eyes wide; very interested now]  *That's* a big job!

  Quark : [putting his arm around Nog]  That's why we need you.

  Nog : How big is the team?

  Quark : Right now?

  [Quark gestures himself and Rom and holds up two fingers. Nog thinks for a moment. He then shakes his head and holds up three fingers, indicating that he is in. Quark grins and gives Nog a friendly one armed squeeze as Nog smiles and chuckles] 

• [first lines] 

  Quark : [to a group of Bajoran maintence workers carrying several big crates]  Just set them on the bar.

  [to Morn] 

  Quark : Morn, no touching.

  [to the crowd of customers; in a loud voice] 

  Quark : Do you what this is? Three cases of syrup of squill!

  Leeta : [eagerly]  I love syrup of squill on my groat cakes. But I haven't seen a jar in over a year.

  Quark : No one has.

  Odo : Does this mean that the drought on Balancar is over?

  Quark : [pleased with himself]  There never was a drought. It was all a ploy by their Agricultural Consortium. They've been stockpiling squill so they could drive the prices up.

  Leeta : [vexed]  *That's* dishonest!

  Quark : [still pleased with himself; as he props himself on the bar counter]  I couldn't agree more. You know... I once did business with the nephew of the cousin of the stepsister of a friend of the secretary to the consortium's chief accountant.

  [pause; Quark checks himself] 

  Quark : [mumbling]  Um... nephew, cousin... stepsister... friend... Yup, that's right!

  Quark : [back to an audible voice]  And he told me, in passing, that the accountant had bought himself a very nice pair of Ferengi rain slippers.

  Odo : [dryily]  And... if there *was* a drought, he wouldn't need rain slippers.

  Quark : My thoughts exactly!

  [boastful, with his chest puffed up] 

  Quark : So... I set up a meeting with this accountant and told him that he either provide me with a shipment of syrup, or I'd expose their deception to the entire quadrant!

  [the crowd applauds] 

  Quark : [holding up a jar of syrup]  Tomorrow morning, we're having a special on groat cakes with syrup of squill - that is, for anyone who can afford it!

• Odo : Let's face it, Quark. There's nothing heroic about earning profit.

  Quark : There is on Ferenginar.

• Rom : I think we've been going about this the wrong way. We're not commandos. We're negotiators. We make deals. That's what we're good at. The Dominion has something we want, so we need to find something they want.

  Quark : And then we make a trade! That way everyone goes home happy.

  Quark : Happy and alive.