Star Trek: Deep Space Nine (TV Series)
Rules of Acquisition (1993)
Armin Shimerman: Quark
Photos
Quotes
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Zek : Let me remind you that taking business advice from a female is a violation of Ferengi law.
Quark : I didn't know she was a female.
Zek : Stupidity is no excuse. Now one more word out of you, and you are going to share her cell.
Quark : Then you better make sure that it's big enough for three.
Zek : Are you threatening me?
Quark : I wonder what your associates will say when I tell them you allowed a female to represent you in a business negotiation.
Zek : I didn't know she was a female.
Quark : Stupidity is no excuse.
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Quark : [59th Rule of Acquisition] Free advice is seldom cheap.
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Zyree : If you really want 100,000 vats of tulaberry wine, I can put you in touch with the right people - for a price, of course.
Quark : Of course! I always said, you were my favorite Dosi. Now, um... who do we have to see?
Zyree : The Karemma.
Pel : Who is the Karemma?
Zyree : An important power in the Dominion.
Quark : In the Dominion? What's that?
Zyree : Let's just say, if you want to do business in the Gamma Quadrant, you have to do business with the Dominion.
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Pel : Tell us, Zyree, what is this place?
Zyree : This, this is where opportunities are made.
Quark : Really? I thought it was some kind of party.
Zyree : Then you thought wrong. This is all about profit, and like the Ferengi, the Dosi are very serious when it comes to profit.
[a Dosi is shot by another before their eyes]
Zyree : *Very* serious...
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[last lines]
Lieutenant Jadzia Dax : [about Pel] She came by to see me before she left. I'm gonna miss her. So are you.
Quark : Do you really think I'd let anyone come between us?
Lieutenant Jadzia Dax : Nice try, Quark. But I know you better than that.
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Pel : [Pel has entered the room where the Grand Nagus, Rom and Quark are dining with the intent of revealing her identity as a female. Quark and Rom are nervous] So... You like my lobes?
Quark : [nervously] Pel...?
Zek : [a little confused] Uh... Yes, I do.
Pel : [indignant] Good! Then you can have them!
[Pel rips off her false lobes, revealing her small ears]
Quark : [shouts as he jumps forward and covers Pel's ears with his hands; over the Nagus's screaming] NO!
Zek : [Screaminging in horror] OOOHH! It's a female!
Rom : Does that mean I get the bar?
Quark : [through his teeth] Rom. Out!
[Quark kicks Rom out of the room]
Zek : [enraged] Quark, this is outrageous! Now, what is going on here?
Quark : [stuttering] Well, I-I-I...
Pel : [standing in front of Quark protectively] Leave him out of this!
Zek : You *dare* give me orders!
[points accusingly at Quark]
Zek : You knew about this all along?
Quark : [still stammering] I...
Pel : [reproachful] So, tell me about my "big future"!
Zek : [to Pel; accusingly] You have *no* future! I'll see to it that you spend the rest of your life behind bars!
Quark : [Quark steps forward, standing protectively in front of Pel. With stern finality] NO.
Zek : Let me remind you that taking business advice from a female is a violation of Ferengi law.
Quark : I didn't know she was a female.
Zek : Stupidity is no excuse. Now, one more word out of you and you are going to share her cell.
Quark : Then you better make sure it's big enough for three.
Zek : [suspiciously] Are you threatening me?
Quark : I wonder what your associates say when I tell them that you allowed a female to represent you in a business negotiation.
Zek : [echoing Quark's words] I didn't know she was a female.
Quark : Stupidity is no excuse.
[Zek silently realizes that Quark is right - they all didn't know that they were working with a female]
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Quark : [21st Rule of Acquisition] Never place friendship above profit.
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[Pel is whispering in Rom's ear about something during a tango game. Rom is loudly voicing his refusal]
Rom : No, absolutely not! This is not the right time to discuss!
Quark : [signalling Rom to be quiet; Very annoyed] I am trying to concentrate!
Rom : I'm sorry, brother! It's this insolent young waiter's fault!
Pel : [holding out what looks like dried peas] My apologies Quark, but I really think you should try one of these.
Quark : What's this?
Pel : A way to double your profits. Taste it.
[Quark does, a second later he takes a sip of his drink]
Pel : [to Rom] You see? He immediately reached for his drink.
Quark : [something begins to dawn on him] So I did...
[Quark excitedly snaps his fingers, signaling Pel to give him another one of the dried peas. Again, he reaches for his drink after popping the pea into his mouth]
Quark : [enthralled] Amazing... You don't even realize you are thirsty! What are they?
Pel : Gramilian sand peas. They inhibit secretions the salivary glands while drying out the tissues of the tongue. It works every time.
[leans over the table]
Pel : If you replace your complimentary dishes of locker beans with Gramilian sand peas, you won't be able to fill your customers' glasses fast enough.
Quark : [leans over the table, intrigued by Pel's expertise in business] What is your name?
Pel : Pel. So what do you think about my idea?
Quark : I think I believe in the fifty-ninth rule of acquisition - Free advice is seldom cheap.
Pel : True, but the twenty second rule says - A wise man can hear profit in the wind.
Quark : [smiles] I see you know your rules.
Pel : [nods] All two hundred and eighty-five of them. And the various commentaries as well... I don't plan on being a waiter forever.
Rom : Good. Then you're fired!
Quark : Shut up Rom!
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Quark : When it comes to business, my brother has the weak little lobes of a female.
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[Pel has just revealed the truth about herself in front of Grand Nagus Zek. She and Quark are now alone]
Quark : I hope you're satisfied.
[He sits on the couch, Pel sits next to him]
Pel : I'm sorry, but it's time he learned that when it comes to accumulating profit, women are just as capable as men.
Quark : Well, do me a favor and don't tell anybody else.
Pel : I should go. I've booked passage on an Andorian transport. You could come with me.
Quark : [regretfully] I can't.
Pel : [understandingly] I know.
[Quark and Pel kiss]
Pel : [while stroking Quark's ear] Well then, if I can't have you. I'll take those ten bars of latinum after all.
[Pel leaves. Quark inhales and exhales deeply, emotionally ineberated from the effects of the oo-mox. He flops his head to the side. He smiles romantically, obviously watching her leave off camera]
