South Park (TV Series)
Tom's Rhinoplasty (1998)
Trey Parker: Stan Marsh, Eric Cartman, Mr. Garrison, Clyde, Photographer, Second Iraqi Man
Photos
Quotes
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Stan Marsh : I can't wait for Miss Ellen to see what a raging lesbian I am!
Cartman : I'm a bigger lesbian than you!
Stan Marsh : No, you're a fatter lesbian than me!
Kyle Broflovski : Screw you, guys, I am King lesbian!
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Cartman : Well, I've been lickin' this carpet for 3 whole hours and I don't feel like a lesbian.
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Mr. Herbert Garrison : [about the movie 'Contact'] Waited through that entire movie to see that alien and it was her goddamn father!
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Cartman : Damn, man, someone's gotta pull that monkey out of Wendy's ass!
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Chef : [gloomy] Hello there, children.
Cartman : Hey, Chef.
Kyle Broflovski : How did your date with miss Ellen go?
Chef : Not too good.
Stan Marsh : What happened? Didn't you make sweet lovin' to her?
Chef : No, no, no, she's not like that. You see, uh, how do I put this. Children, Miss Ellen doesn't exactly play for right team.
[children look puzzled]
Chef : I-I-I-In other words, children, she not a member of the *heterosexual persuasion*.
[the children still don't have a clue]
Chef : Don't you understand? She's a lesbian!
Stan Marsh : A whatbian?
Kyle Broflovski : A prebian?
Chef : You boys don't know what a lesbian is?
Stan Marsh : [to Kenny] Kenny?
[Kenny shrugs]
Stan Marsh : No, explain it to us, Chef.
Chef : That-That's okey, eh b... look, all you need to know is, Miss Ellen is a lesbian, and that means she only likes other lesbians.
Stan Marsh : Oh.
Chef : Now move along, children, you're holding up the line.
[they walk on]
Kyle Broflovski : Weak, dude! She only likes other lesbians?
Stan Marsh : Hey man, if she only likes other lesbians, then all we gotta do is become lesbians too!
Kyle Broflovski : Hey, yeah!
Cartman : You guys, you know what? My grandma was Dutch-Irish, and my grandpa was lesbian, that makes me quarter lesbian!
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[the boys enter Cartman's house, and see him licking the carpet]
Stan Marsh : What the hell are you doing, Cartman?
Cartman : My Mom said if you want to become a lesbian, you have to lick carpet.
Kyle Broflovski : Really?
Stan Marsh : Well, I got a Indigo Girls CD, the guy at the record store said it was perfect
[puts the CD in the player]
Stan Marsh : .
Kyle Broflovski : I got these killer Birkenstocks.
[the boys all start licking the carpet while the Indigo Girls are playing]
Stan Marsh : This is a bunch a' crap! I've been licking this carpet for three hours and I still don't feel like a lesbian!
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Cartman : [about Miss Ellen] She wasn't looking at you, buttlord, she was looking at me!
Kyle Broflovski : Well that goes without saying, fatass. How could she help but look at you?
Stan Marsh : You guys can stop fighting. It was *me* she was checking out.
Cartman : Until you puked on her.
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Chef : What's all this I'm hearing about a new teacher?
Kyle Broflovski : Miss Ellen, dude. She's *beautiful*!
Chef : Is she, like, Vanessa Williams beautiful or Toni Braxton beautiful? Or Pamela Anderson beautiful? Or is she Erin Grey in the second season of Buck Rogers beautiful?
Stan Marsh : Yeah, that one.
Chef : Woo, I gotta meet this woman!
