South Park (TV Series)

Quest for Ratings (2004)

Trey Parker: Stan Marsh, Eric Cartman, TV Announcer, Jimmy Valmer, Mr. Maher, Whistlin' Willy, Clyde, Pharmacist, Mr. Garrison, Red Goth

Quotes 

• Eric Cartman : And now here with the celebrity watch is Butters Stotch. Butters, seen any celebrities?

  Butters : N-no, not yet. I've been standing out in front of the school for about two hours now and I haven't seen any celebrities. About 30 minutes ago I thought I saw Sigourney Weaver, but it turned out to be a dead horse.

• Jimmy Valmer : [the boys suggest making news up to improve their show's ratings]  Fellas, are you sure all of this is e-ethical?

  Eric Cartman : We're in 4th grade Jimmy. We don't even know what ethical means.

• Eric Cartman : Stan! We're gonna go find a frog!

• Stan Marsh : You guys, we watched Craig show all night long.

  Token Williams : Yeah, it was great.

  Stan Marsh : Yeah, but don't you see? We didn't think it was great before. I think I understand now. I think I know why Craig show gets such great ratings: half the school is high on cough medicines.

• Jimmy Valmer : Look, fellas, I've got a real problem with the direction our news show is going. We're dumbing down the school!

  Stan Marsh : No, Jimmy, the school is already dumb. We're just giving them what they want.

• Pharmacist : Can I help you boys?

  Stan Marsh : Uh, yeah, we need to come up with some ideas and inspiration, so we're gonna drink a bunch of cough medicine.

  Pharmacist : Whoa, boys! That's not what you need to come up with ideas.

  Kyle Broflovski : It's not?

  Pharmacist : No, What you want is Colminex PM. It has the dexatrimphan in it that causes hallucinations in large doses.

• Mr. Meryl : You need to know how important ratings are, Craig, so I'm going to suspend you from school and request that you have your testicles removed surgically.

• Eric Cartman : Parent-teacher conferences will be held this Wednesday night from seven to nine. So kids, get a lot of playing in before you get grounded.