South Park (TV Series)

Proper Condom Use (2001)

Trey Parker: Stan Marsh, Eric Cartman, Mr. Stotch, Randy Marsh, Mr. Tweek, Ms. Choksondik, Mr. Mackey, Mark, Timmy, Mr. Garrison, Documentary Narrator, Clyde, Butters' Speaker Voice

Photos 

Quotes 

• Chef : Look, schools are teaching condom use to younger and younger students each day, but sex isn't something that should be taught in text books and diagrams; sex is emotional and spiritual - it needs to be taught by family. I know it can be hard, parents, but if you leave it up to the school to teach kids, you don't know who they're learning it from. It could be someone who doesn't know, someone who has a bad opinion of it, or even a complete pervert.

  [panning from Mr. Mackey, to Chokesondick, and then to Mr. Garrison] 

  Mr. Garrison : What? Why did you pan to me just now? What the hell's that supposed to mean?

• [the boys erroneously think they need to wear condoms all the time in order not to get or spread diseases] 

  Leopold 'Butters' Stotch : [removing a condom from its wrapper]  Why, it's just a little donut!

  [fumbles with it] 

  Leopold 'Butters' Stotch : Oh, it's all gooey!

  Eric Cartman : Just put it on, Butters!

  Leopold 'Butters' Stotch : H-How come I gotta go first?

  Eric Cartman : Butters, will you stop... filibustering!

  Leopold 'Butters' Stotch : Oh, a-all right, then.

  [turns around, drops pants, and starts fumbling with the condom] 

  Leopold 'Butters' Stotch : Aw, it's sticky.

  Kyle Broflovski : [reading from the condom box]  It says you gotta check it for holes or tears.

  Leopold 'Butters' Stotch : I don't even understand how this thing...! Oh, wait, oh, I see.

  [Cartman peaks] 

  Stan Marsh : Don't look at Butters' shlong, gaymo!

  Eric Cartman : I wasn't looking at his shlong, I was seeing how to put the condom on!

  Kyle Broflovski : [sarcastically]  Sure!

  Leopold 'Butters' Stotch : But it won't stay on. I-I need a rubber band or something.

  Tweek : I-I've got rubber bands!

  [hands them to Butters] 

  Leopold 'Butters' Stotch : [fumbles with the rubber bands]  Ow! Eh, ow! Okay, eh... ow! There! Okay, I think it's on!

  Stan Marsh : How do you feel?

  Leopold 'Butters' Stotch : [pause]  Pretty good!

  Eric Cartman : Do you feel protected?

  Leopold 'Butters' Stotch : Yeah, I don't think nothing is getting to my wiener through this thing. It's even got a little reservoir at the end so you can pee in it.

  Stan Marsh : All right, here everybody, Tweek, give everyone a rubber band. Hey, somebody's gotta help Timmy put his condom on.

  Timmy : *Timmah*!

• [Mr. Garrison has to teach sexual education in Kindergarten] 

  Mr. Herbert Garrison : Okay children, who can tell me what a condom is?

  [silence, one girl raises hand] 

  Mr. Herbert Garrison : Yes, Jenny?

  Jenny : It fwies awound and it's endangewed.

  Mr. Herbert Garrison : That's a *condor*, Jenny! Condor. *Condoms* are what we use to stop the spread of STDs.

  [Fillmore raises hand] 

  Mr. Herbert Garrison : Yes, Fillmore?

  Filmore Anderson : Can we do fingerpaints?

  Mr. Herbert Garrison : [angrily]  No, we can't do fingerpaints! You kids wanna get herpes, huh? How 'bout a nice bucket of AIDS? Sound good? Now pay attention, all right? I'm going show you the proper way to put on a condom.

  [puts a wooden phallus on table] 

  Mr. Herbert Garrison : First of all, you remove the condom from its package. Then you find which way the condom rolls out. Put it in your mouth

  [puts consom in mouth, and starts to speak muffled] 

  Mr. Herbert Garrison : and apply.

  [off screen, Garrison puts the condom over the wooden penis by act of fellatio; the kids look baffled; one starts crying] 

  Mr. Herbert Garrison : And it's as simple as that. Any questions?

• Eric Cartman : Watch this, it's so funny. Come here, Darling, come on. Red rocket! Red rocket! He he he, come on, he he he!

  [Eric masturbates the dog] 

  Stan Marsh : Cartman, what the hell are you doing?

  Eric Cartman : I'm milking the dog - they make dog milk.

  Kyle Broflovski : No they don't.

  Kenny McCormick : Yeah, dude.

  Eric Cartman : Yeah, just hold on a minute. The fifth graders showed us how to do it. Red rocket! Red rocket! Come on, dog, red rocket! Oh ho!

  [the dog ejaculates] 

  Kyle Broflovski : Whoa, cool, that's awsome!

  Eric Cartman : I told you guys.

  Stan Marsh : I had no idea dogs made milk. do it again.

  Eric Cartman : Dumbass, you can only milk a dog once every few hours; doesn't work if you beat off a dog right away.

  Kyle Broflovski : You beat off?

  Eric Cartman : That's what it's called when milk a dog, beating him off. Don't you guys know anything?

• Sharon Marsh : Stanley, do you know why you're being grounded for ten months?

  Kyle Broflovski : No!

  Randy Marsh : Beating off the dog is not appropriate when we have company. I mean, ever! Beating off the dog is not appropriate ever.

  [after Sharon looks at him] 

• Mr. Mackey : Now, in order to have intercourse, m'kay, the man takes his penis and he... hmm, uh, let's see, the man takes his penis and he... hmm.

  Stan Marsh : Dude, haven't you ever had intercourse, Mr. Mackey?

  Mr. Mackey : Well, sure I have. It's just... I was about 19 at the time, it's been about 21 years. Hmm, let's see, uh, I'm pretty sure I took, yeah I took the penis and I, uh... what the hell did I do with that damn thing?

• Mr. Garrison : Okay children, so what other sexual positions have we talked about? Yeah, the wrap-around butt grab, sure, can't forget that. Uh huh, reverse cowgirl. Good, Kevin. Hot lunch, yeah, she likes that. Donkey punch, uh huh. Glass-bottom boat. good one, yes. Fish eye. Good, Jenny. Chili dog, mm hmm.

• Ms. Choksondik : [while having sex naked]  Do you want me?

  Mr. Mackey : I want you.

  [they are about to have an intercourse] 

  Ms. Choksondik : [stops]  Wait! Wait! Do you have a condom?

  Mr. Mackey : Why, no.

  Ms. Choksondik : [pauses]  Oh, well, fuck it.

  [they proceed] 

  Ms. Choksondik : Oh, that's right, give it to me!