- KOZY FM Deejay: Here are some kids enjoying the Halloween Haunt.
- [to Stan]
- KOZY FM Deejay: Say, boys, what do you think of the KOZY FM Halloween Haunt?
- Stan Marsh: This one time, like eight months ago, I saw two guys making out in the park and that was the gayest thing I'd ever seen until I saw the KOZY FM Halloween Haunt.
- Jonathan Davis: Well, that does it! Something funny is going on here! Your missing Grandma must be connected to somehow to those creepy Pirate Ghosts!
- David Silveria: They're not Pirate Ghosts, Jonathan! They're Ghost Pirates!
- Jonathan Davis: Huh?
- David Silveria: Pirate Ghost would suggest that a pirate died and became a ghost, but a Ghost Pirate is a ghost that later made a concious decision to be a pirate!
- Munky: No, David! Then they are Pirate Ghosts because they're the ghosts of pirates!
- Fieldy: You're wrong because there were no pirates in Colarado! So these must be ghosts that decided to become pirates after the fact!
- Jonathan Davis: But that makes them Pirate Ghosts!
- David Silveria: No! It makes them Ghost Pirates!
- Munky: Pirate Ghosts!
- Head: Guys! Guys! Guys! Fighting isn't gonna solve anything! Don't you see? This is exactly what those Ghost Pirates want us to do!
- Jonathan Davis: Pirate Ghosts!
- Stan Marsh: Come on, fatass, we have to go.
- [Liane laughs]
- Cartman: Mom, don't laugh!
- Liane Cartman: I'm sorry, honey.
- Cartman: I can't go with you guys right now.
- Stan Marsh: Yes you can, Porky.
- [Liane laughs]
- Cartman: Mom, seriously!
- Liane Cartman: Now, that isn't funny, boys. Eric isn't fat, he's big-boned.
- Kyle Broflovski: He must have a huge bone in his ass then.
- [Liane laughs hysterically]
- Cartman: GODDAMNIT MOM!
- Eric Cartman: Oh sweet. The "Life-Sized Blow-up Antonio Banderas Love Doll." What a cool Christmas present.
- Jonathan Davis: All right gang, we have to split up and look for clues!
- Stan Marsh: How should we split up?
- Jonathan Davis: I know! Let's have everyone who enjoys having obstacles in their life which they can overcome go this way, and everyone whose insecurity sabotage their potential to overcome those obstacles go that way.
- [Everyone says "OK!", then splits up into two roughly equal groups]
- Kyle Broflovski: Wow! That was easy!