- [Barbrady is asked to solve a legal problem]
- Officer Barbrady: Hey, I just thought of something. No, wait, that's subtraction.
- Mayor: Officer Barbrady what are you doing? You still haven't caught Chicken Fucker Yet.
- Officer Barbrady: Ah Ah! Mayor in front of the children we say "Chicken Lover".
- Officer Barbrady: Yes, at first, I was happy to be learning how to read. It seemed exciting and magical. But then I read this: Atlas Shrugged, by Ayn Rand. I read every last word of this garbage, and because of this piece of shit, I'm never reading again!
- Mr. Garrison: Now, does anyone have any suggestions where we should begin with Officer Barbrady?
- Kyle Broflovski: How about a brain transplant?
- Mr. Garrison: Yes Officer Barbrady?
- Officer Barbrady: I need to go poopies.
- Mr. Garrison: Officer Barbrady, in school we use the bathroom before and after class.
- Officer Barbrady: Oh Christ, how do you kids do it?
- Mr. Garrison: Now, Kyle, let's be supportive of our new student, give him the nurturing environment he needs to thrive. Now, I'm gonna write a sentence and I want us all to help Officer Barbrady read it.
- [he writes on the chalkboard Oprah Winfrey has huge knockers]
- Mr. Garrison: Give it a shot , Officer Barbrady.
- Officer Barbrady: Ahhh... O... O...
- Mr. Garrison: Bzzzt! Wrong! Try again, dumbass!
- [guffaws]
- Mr. Garrison: Okay, okay. Maybe we should try something a little easier. We can work our way up to the hard ones.
- [He writes on the chalkboard The hat is red]
- Mr. Garrison: Go ahead, Barbrady, don't be scared.
- Officer Barbrady: Ahhh... O...
- Mr. Garrison: Bzzzt drrrrr! Did you hear that, Mr. Hat? I sure did, Mr. Garrison. What a retard!
- [guffaws uncontrollably]
- Officer Barbrady: [to the children] Did you kids actually learn how to read this way?
- Stan Marsh: No, we just fake it to shut him up.
- Cartman: Step out of the car, please, sir.
- Randy Marsh: Wait a second. Aren't you Stan's little friend?
- Cartman: Sir, step out of the car, please.
- Randy Marsh: Yeah, you're the one who always plugs up the toilet at our house.
- Officer Barbrady: Keep your eyes peeled boys, someone's going to make love to this chicken any second now.
- Stan Marsh: If we read will we become like that guy?
- Kyle Broflovski: Yeah this is stupid, books aren't magical
- Cartman: This book was pretty good. I give it a B-.
- Mr. Garrison: And I give you an F, now sit down.
- Cartman: Ah, son of a bitch.