The Sopranos (TV Series)

Guy Walks Into a Psychiatrist's Office (2000)

Edie Falco: Carmela Soprano

Photos 

Quotes 

• Hesh : [while entering his office in the Bada Bing strip club Tony's lawyer Neil]  hey Tony

  Tony Soprano : Hey counselor, how are you?

  Neil Mink : You look good huh?

  Tony Soprano : You want a drink?

  Neil Mink : [Referring to Tony including them in on his pump and dump stock market scheme]  no, before we commence a thousand thank you's for Webistics

  Tony Soprano : My pleasure

  Tony Soprano : So what'd we stand this month?

  Neil Mink : Your uncle's petitioning to get out of jail on a medical pending trial

  Hesh : Neil thinks they'll liable to let him out

  Tony Soprano : Let him

  Neil Mink : Maybe as a temptation for you to act, again since you are at the helm it all gets back to putting up bigger blinds really limiting your exposure to potential RICO allegations

  Tony Soprano : Only way to run a family these days is "bunker style..."

  Tony Soprano : [after his cell phone rings and answers it]  excuse me, yeah?

  Carmela Soprano : [Over the phone]  you're not going to believe this, your sister's here

  Tony Soprano : Barbara?

  Carmela Soprano : No, Janice.

  Tony Soprano : You're shitting me

  Carmela Soprano : Nope

  Tony Soprano : Yeah I wonder what the scam is this time. Whatever it is I'm going to be five grand lighter when she rain dances back to the commune. Alright tell her she can stay with us if she wants

  Carmela Soprano : Are you sure?

  Tony Soprano : Yeah we'll get Barbara and Tom down from Brewster and make a family reunion out of it but obviously...

  Carmela Soprano : Your mother's not welcome

  Tony Soprano : [Before hanging up with Carmella]  give Janice my love, see you later

  Tony Soprano : [to Neil and Hesh]  My sisters here from Seattle

• Carmela Soprano : [to Janice]  how was the guest bed? Did you sleep alright?

  Janice Soprano : [Nods]  great, usually I bring my own pillow: ergonomic, I got ripped off at the bus stop in Rapid City

  Tony Soprano : [after coming down from upstairs]  what? Those pillows aren't good enough for pillows aren't to sleep on anymore?

  Tony Soprano : [Before they hug each other]  come here

  Janice Soprano : Oh, look who decided to join us? My little brother

  Tony Soprano : How you doing Jan...?

  A.J. Soprano : [Reminding Tony Janice's surname]  Parvati

  Tony Soprano : [Pats him on the side of the head]  I'm her brother, I get a pass

  Tony Soprano : You look good, you look like... a teenager

  Janice Soprano : [to everybody]  my therapist says I'm "regressing"

  Tony Soprano : Oh, your therapist? Who pays for that?

  Janice Soprano : The State of Washington: total disability

  Tony Soprano : Oh yeah, the Epstein-Barr

  Janice Soprano : [Correcting him of the previous illness she had]  "was", chronic Carpal Tunnel from my last job: the steamed milk machine

  Janice Soprano : [Walking over to Tony at the kitchen bar counter]  hey, I stayed up waiting for you, when did you get in?

  Tony Soprano : Late, you know?

  Tony Soprano : [Irritated]  what the fuck is that smell?

  Janice Soprano : Miso soup, its seaweed

  A.J. Soprano : [to Tony, referring to Janice]  she's been telling us all about Seattle

  Tony Soprano : If I see those grunge pants on you, you'll be looking on the ground looking up

  Meadow Soprano : [Jokingly]  dad, how do you stay so hip?

  Janice Soprano : [to AJ and Meadow]  I'll be back in a sec, don't let your father near my soup: he makes fun of it but he'll eat anything before noon, that's not locked away

  Carmela Soprano : You don't see your sister for years and right away, you're already starting on her diet?

  Tony Soprano : Hey, believe me, she gets as good as she gets

• Samantha Martin : [while the realtor shows the inside of Tony's mother's house after it's been vandalized]  I can't show it in this condition

  Tony Soprano : What the hell is this?

  Samantha Martin : There's a high school up the street

  Samantha Martin : [Pointing to the stain on the wall caused by the water damage as Tony and Carmella look]  a sink was left on upstairs: you don't even want to see the toilets

  Samantha Martin : [after her cell phone rings and walks away to answer it]  oh, excuse me

  Tony Soprano : [as he walks over to a broken window]  wait until I catch the kids that did this: break a few windows, they think their Johnny badass. The fuckin jackals

  Carmela Soprano : Will you stop, please? Your sister Barbara and the kids are coming down. You better not be in this mood, and I need you to pick up sausage

  Tony Soprano : [Irritated]  yeah, yeah, yeah, how many pounds? Hot or sweet?

  Carmela Soprano : Don't you act like it's a chore: this party was your idea, you said you were happy Janice was home, and my parents are coming

  Tony Soprano : [Referring to his mother, surprised]  oh, really? What? Now that the dragon lady is gone they'll dwang to set foot in our house?

  Carmela Soprano : She said some horrible things to them over the years

  Tony Soprano : I'm not defending her, she's dead to me

  Carmela Soprano : I'm telling you, you, mope your way through this, I'll cut your throat

  Tony Soprano : What're you talking about mope? I've been in a great mood lately

  Carmela Soprano : [doubting him]  right, I think you need to start therapy again, you're self-medicating, we haven't had sex since...

  Tony Soprano : [interrupts her]  you forget it: no therapy

  Samantha Martin : [walks over to them after finishing her call, to Tony]  you should really take a look at what they did to your mother's bedroom

• Carmela Soprano : [after Tony told her he found the real estate for sale sign for Livia's house in the backseat of Janice's car]  I'm sure there's an explanation

  Tony Soprano : [Reiterating what Janice said on why she came back to New Jersey]  Take ma back to Seattle. She came here for the house and the four hundred dollar car: that was con from the start. That's the level she works at

  Carmela Soprano : Maybe the sign was broken? Maybe it fell down?

  Tony Soprano : I'm still a little fat kid to her, what does she think? She's going to stop the sale by picking up one fuckin sign?

  Tony Soprano : [Before walking over to wall and punching it]  If she were here I'd be bouncing her head against the wall!

  Carmela Soprano : Look at yourself, look at how angry you are. What'd you care about that house?

  Tony Soprano : It's not going to stop with the house. The three hundred dollar pillow which we're going to fuckin pay for, and the video equipment which you've already heard her talking about

  Carmela Soprano : [Referring to treating his anger and panic attacks]  When are you getting back into therapy?

  Tony Soprano : Hey, don't start with that ok? I am not fuckin insane and I am not overreacting because you don't know this retched, cunt... .

  Carmela Soprano : Alright, alright. This is getting you no place: go outside, join the party, be with your friends, have some pleasure... go ahead

  Tony Soprano : [Still in angry with Janice]  Fuckin bitch