- Marilyn McCallam: I want you to stop seeing him
- Eunice Tate: No, I won't. We love each other.
- Marilyn McCallam: Oh, please. Love? Walter doesn't love anyone. Walter is the most totally self-absorbed person in the world. We have a seven-year-old daughter Abigail; Walter calls her Amanda. Seven years and he still doesn't know her name.
- Jodie Dallas: [Running into the mental hospital] Ma, I got your message! What happened?
- Mary Campbell: Burt is missing. They checked all the rooms at bedtime and he wasn't there.
- Chuck Campbell: [Bob] He never was, if you know what I mean.
- Father Timothy Flotsky: I need to talk to you, Ma.
- Flo Flotsky: Yeah, sure.
- Father Timothy Flotsky: I got a problem.
- Flo Flotsky: Oh, I love it. People come to priests with their problems, and look, a priest comes to his mother.
- Flo Flotsky: Y'know I finally saw that "Star Wars" movie they're all ravin' about. I dunno. In my day if they had a leading man it was Clark Gable. Today they got a little machine that goes "boop." I mean, frankly, I could have stayed home and looked at my upright vacuum cleaner.
- E. Ronald Mallu: [Discussing Jodie] You're going away with him for a weekend?
- Carol David: That's right.
- E. Ronald Mallu: But he's a homosexual.
- Carol David: That's right. And he may come back a homosexual. But if he does, he is sure gonna have something to compare it to.
- Announcer: Now that Corinne has walked out on two mothers, does that make her ineligible for the Daughter of the Year Award?
- Chester Tate: Benson, every morning it's the same thing. I ask for poached eggs, I get scrambled, I ask for shirred eggs, I get scrambled, I ask for sunny side up, I get scrambled! I never get what I want!
- Benson DuBois: Why don't you ask for scrambled?
- Danny Dallas: Jodie, you're going away for the weekend to the beach with a girl?
- Chuck Campbell: Wonderful. I hope she takes a book to read.
- Mr. Franklin: State your name and address, please.
- Mrs. Sheila Fine: Sheila Fine. 5093 Rockridge Road... but call first!
- Mr. Franklin: Mrs. Fine, did you know Peter Campbell, the deceased?
- Mrs. Sheila Fine: Did I know him?
- [to judge]
- Mrs. Sheila Fine: Do you know what this jerk did to my life? He comes into my house where I'm sitting with my husband, and he says I have to testify since I was having an affair with Peter Campbell! My husband called his lawyer, grabbed his girlfriend, and flew to Acapulco. I hope a taco chip gets caught in his throat and he chokes to death!
- Mrs. Sheila Fine: Yes, Mr. Franklin, I knew Peter Campbell.
- Mr. Franklin: And how did you know him?
- Mrs. Sheila Fine: Lying down.
- E. Ronald Mallu: I object, your honor. The court has indulged the counsel long enough. One wonders if he even has a surprise witness at all!
- Judge Petrillo: The court will allow you a minute or two longer, but that's all. Everyone relax.
- Chief of Police Tinkler: Have I got time to go to the bathroom?
- Judge Petrillo: Don't take anything to read.
- E. Ronald Mallu: Now, in your lifetime, have you ever killed anything?
- Jessica Tate: No, never. Unless you want to count the times that I accidentally stepped on ants.
- Mr. Franklin: I object!
- Jessica Tate: [distraught] Mr. Franklin, you can't help stepping on them! They're so tiny! But I never put out ant poisoning, and I never deliberately tried to kill them!
- Mr. Franklin: ...I'm sorry.