- Lisa Simpson: It's not fair. Adults always blame kids for everything.
- Homer Simpson: Well, if kids are so innocent, why is everything bad named after them? Acting childish, kidnapping, child abuse.
- Bart: What about adultery?
- Homer Simpson: Not until you're older, Son.
- Lisa Simpson: And guess who's been practicing medicine without a license?
- [Dr. Hibbert nervously pulls at his sweater neck]
- Lisa Simpson: That's right. Homer Simpson.
- Homer Simpson: [far off] D'oh!
- [At an Isotopes game, the pitcher blows his arm out after the first pitch]
- Homer Simpson: I'm gonna warm up the car.
- Marge Simpson: But there's only been one pitch.
- Homer Simpson: And it *sucked*.
- Man with Pitchfork: [to evil children in 'The Bloodening'] Got off my land!
- Boy #1: [mysterious British accent] Actually, we'd prefer to stay.
- [the man becomes frightened and holds his pitchfork up in defence]
- Boy #1: [mysterious British accent] You're thinking of hurting us.
- Girl: [mysterious British accent] Now you're thinking, 'How did they know what I was thinking?'
- Boy #2: [mysterious British accent] Now you're thinking, 'I hope that's shepherd's pie in my knickers!'
- Homer Simpson: Stupid Isotopes. Hurry up and lose so we can get outta here!
- Lisa Simpson: Why do you hate the Isotopes so much, Dad?
- Homer Simpson: Because I loved them once and they broke my heart. Let that be a lesson to you, sweetie. Never love anything.
- Lisa Simpson: Even you?
- Homer Simpson: Especially me.
- [Homer, Lenny, and Carl are drunk]
- Lenny: Hey, let's go to the little league diamond and drive around the bases.
- Carl: No, the Playboy Mansion. Playboy Mansion.
- Homer Simpson: Shut up. It's my car and I say we're going to the lost city of gold.
- Kent Brockman: [to Homer] Sir, your beloved Isotopes are about to make history. Any thoughts?
- Homer Simpson: Uh-huh, it's a great team, Kent. We never gave up hope. I wanna thank Jesus and say hi to my special lady, Marge. We did it, baby! Whoo! Whooooo!
- Kent Brockman: The inspiring words of a fan who'll always root, root, root for the home team. Even if they lose this ga...
- Homer Simpson: They lost? Those losers!
- Kent Brockman: No, no, no, the game's not over.
- Homer Simpson: Whoo! Not over! Whoo!
- Kent Brockman: There you have it: whoo.
- Bart: The cops can't just slap a curfew on us. We have rights!
- Marge Simpson: Sure you do. You have the right to remain silent!
- [she and Homer laugh]
- Homer Simpson: That was cold blooded, Marge.
- Man #1: [while Bart and Lisa are watching TV] You robbed me of my manhood!
- Woman: That's petty theft.
- [the studio audience makes a "woo" sound and another man pops up from behind the couch]
- Man #2 in 'Don't Go There!': Don't go there!
- [the studio audience laughs]
- TV Announcer: Don't Go There will be right back.
- Bart: [while aiming a bowling ball towards the TV] Oh, no, it won't.
- Nelson Muntz: Adults blow.
- Bart: Yeah, just look at them over there.
- [scene shows Principal Skinner, Mrs. Krabappel and Ms. Hoover standing in the playground]
- Milhouse Van Houten: Smoking their cigarettes.
- Lisa Simpson: Drinking their coffee.
- Bart: Scratching their big butts.
- Principal Skinner: [to Bart] Your metabolism will change someday too, young man.
- [awkwardly walks backward]
- Milhouse Van Houten: Man, if we had eye power like those kids in that movie, we could read the adults' minds and tell their secrets and make them pitchfork each other and junk!
- [laughs]
- Lisa Simpson: Wait! We don't need supernatural powers. We already know their secrets.
- Bart: She's right! Homer's done a ton of crap that never made the papers.
- Martin Prince: My mom shoplifts all the time. Stuff she doesn't even need.
- Nelson Muntz: My dad gets in car accidents on purpose.
- Lisa Simpson: [as she writes down everyone's ideas on a notepad] Great! This is all gold.
- Milhouse Van Houten: We gotta spread this stuff around. Let's put it on the Internet!
- Lisa Simpson: No! We have to reach people whose opinions actually matter! And I think I know how.
- Baseball announcer: And here's the pitch. Humpin' Jesus, he got *all* of that one, it's going... going... GOING... our technical director today was Stan Kadlubowski - it's out of here, 'Topes win!
- Homer Simpson: [after a baseball game] So who won, the losers?
- Bart: No, they lost.
- Homer Simpson: Heh heh heh heh, losers...
- Lisa Simpson: Wow, you look really hung over, Dad. What did you do last night?
- Homer Simpson: Last night? Uhh...
- [Homer imagines a whitewashed version of his drunken antics]
- Homer Simpson: [patting Lisa on the head] Uh... hello, big Maggie!
- [returning home after Isotopes' defeat]
- Lisa Simpson: With a little middle relief, they might even make the play-offs!
- Homer Simpson: You'll be in your cold, cold grave before that ever happens.
- Marge Simpson: Homer, would you please stop talking about the children's graves?