The Simpsons (TV Series)
Treehouse of Horror IV (1993)
Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Grampa, Benedict Arnold, Kodos, Groundskeeper Willie, Vampires
Photos
Quotes
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[Vampire Bart is about to bite Lisa]
Homer Simpson : Bart! How many times have I told you not to bite your sis-
[gasps, and pulls Lisa away from him]
Homer Simpson : Wait a minute! You ARE a vampire!
Grampa Simpson : [bursts into the room with a mallet and wooden stake] Quick! We have to kill the boy!
Marge Simpson : How'd you know he was a vampire?
Grampa Simpson : He's a vampire? AHHH!
[runs off]
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Homer : Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
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Bart Simpson : Our final painting is the most horrible of all. To even gaze upon it is to go mad...
[Homer is looking at Cassius Marcellus Coolidge's "A Friend in Need"]
Homer Simpson : AH! They're dogs! And they're playing poker! AHHHH!
[laughs hysterically, and runs away shrieking]
Bart Simpson : We had a story to go with this painting, but it was far too intense... so we just threw together something with vampires. Enjoy!
["Bart Simpson's Dracula" title card appears over the painting]
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Homer Simpson : [reading a note] "Dear Homer, I.O.U. one emergency donut. Signed, Homer." Bastard! He's always one step ahead!
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Marge Simpson : [Homer's Head is turned into a huge donut, and is eating it] Homer, stop picking at it.
Homer Simpson : But, I'm so sweet and tasty.
[Looks at his watch]
Homer Simpson : Well, time to go to work.
Lisa Simpson : [Getting in Homer's way] No dad. I wouln't go outside if I were you.
Chief Wiggum : [With the rest of Springfield's police force waiting outside of the Simpson's home with their coffee mugs] Don't worry, boys, he's gotta come outta there sometime.
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Bart Simpson : [sees the gremlin eating away at the school bus] Otto, you've got to do something. There's a gremlin on the side of the bus!
[Otto looks out the window. Alongside the bus is an AMC Gremlin being driven by Hans Moleman]
Otto : No problem-o, Bart dude. I'll get rid of it.
[runs Moleman off the road]
Hans Moleman : No! Oh, no. I just made my last payment.
[the car comes to a stop, tapping lightly against a tree. Hans sighs in relief, before the car explodes]
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Ned Flanders : Now remember, the instant you finish it, I own your soul for...
[Homer has already scarfed the donut]
Homer : Hey, wait. If I don't finish this last bite, you don't get my soul, do you?
Ned Flanders : Well, technically no, but...
Homer : I'm smarter than the Devil! I'm smarter than the Dev-!
[Flanders turns into a huge demon]
Ned Flanders : You are not smarter than me! I'll see you in hell yet, Homer Simpson!
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[Lisa takes a sip from her chalice and gasps]
Lisa Simpson : Ew! Dad, this is blood!
Homer Simpson : Correction: FREE blood.
[guzzles it down and sighs]
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Lisa Simpson : Dad, do you notice anything strange?
Homer Simpson : Yeah, his hairdo looks so queer.
Montgomery Burns : I heard that!
Homer Simpson : [quickly points to Bart] It was the boy!
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[Homer is trapped in Hell for the day]
Demonic Torturer : So, you like donuts, eh?
Homer Simpson : Um-hmm.
Demonic Torturer : Well, have all the donuts in the world!
[the Demonic Torturer cackles while a machine stuffs Homer's mouth full of donuts. Dissolve to several hours later, the Demonic Torturer is baffled as Homer, whose body has gained a few extra hundred pounds, continues to eat and eat]
Homer Simpson : More!
Demonic Torturer : I don't understand it. James Coco went mad in fifteen minutes!
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Marge : Wait! Before you send him to hell, there's something you should see. That's a photo of Homer and I at our wedding.
Richard Nixon : Wait a minute. You got married in an emergency room?
Marge : Well, Homer ate the entire wedding cake by himself... before the wedding.
[the Jury of the Damned all laugh]
Marge : Read the back, the back.
Blackbeard : Arrr! 'Tis some sort of treasure map.
Benedict Arnold : [snatches it away] You idiot, you can't read!
Blackbeard : Aye, 'tis true. My debauchery was my way of compensatin'.
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Lisa Simpson : Dad, Mr. Burns is a vampire, and he has Bart!
Montgomery Burns : Why, Bart's right here!
Bart Simpson : Hello, mother. Hello, father. I missed you during my uneventful absence.
Homer Simpson : Oh, Lisa! You and your stories! "Dad, Bart is a vampire." "Beer kills brain cells." Now, let's get back to that... building thingy... where our beds and T.V... is.
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Homer : Mmmm... forbidden donut.
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Lisa Simpson : Grampa's a vampire?
Bart Simpson : We're all vampires.
[Bart, Homer, Marge, and Maggie all float into the air, baring their fangs as Lisa backs away in horror]
Lisa Simpson : But... no! We killed Mr. Burns!
Homer Simpson : You have to kill the *head* vampire?
Lisa Simpson : [gasp] You're the head vampire?
Marge Simpson : No, *I'm* the head vampire!
[She laughs demonically]
Lisa Simpson : Mom?
Marge Simpson : [normal voice] Well, I do have a life outside this house, you know.
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Homer : Oh, I'd sell my soul for a donut.
Ned Flanders : Well, that can be arranged.
Homer : What? Flanders. You're the devil?
Ned Flanders : Ho-ho, it's always the one you least suspect.
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Lisa : You must drive this stake right through his heart.
[Homer pulls open Burns' coffin]
Homer : Take that, vile fiend!
[aggressively pounds at the stake to no effect]
Lisa : Uh, Dad? That's his crotch.
Homer : [pulls the stake out with a nervous chuckle] Sorry!
[He aims the stake over Burns' heart, and drives it through with a single whack. Mr. Burns screams and writhes in horror before dying and crumbling to dust]
Homer : [relieved] Ahhh...
Mr. Burns : [suddenly comes back to life] You're fired!
[dies and crumbles to dust again]
Homer : D'oh!
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[Bart is hanging out the window of the school bus. Principal Skinner and Groundskeeper Willie are trying to pull him back in]
Principal Skinner : Pull, Willie, pull!
Groundskeeper Willie : I'm doin' all the pullin', ya blouse-wearin' poodle-walker!
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Ned Flanders : [enraged] All right, Simpson. You get your soul back. But let that ill-gotten donut BE FOREVER ON YOUR HEAD!
[Zaps Homer's head]
Homer : AAAAHHHH!
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Homer Simpson : It sure was nice of Mr. Burns to invite us to his country house in...
[turns to the kids; dramatically]
Homer Simpson : PENNSYLVANIA.
[lighting strikes]
