The Simpsons (TV Series)
The Secret War of Lisa Simpson (1997)
Yeardley Smith: Lisa Simpson
Quotes
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[crossing the "Eliminator" rope climb]
Lisa : If only I were in Springfield, all my friends would be cheering me on... oh, God, I'm delirious.
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Lisa : [reading a note from Bart] "Meet me at the Eliminator after lights out. P.S. The cadets are planning to throw their meatballs at you." Oh...
[holds her tray up just in time to deflect a fusillade of meatballs]
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Lisa : I can't do this, Bart. I'm not strong enough.
Bart Simpson : I thought you came here looking for a challenge.
Lisa : Duh! A challenge I could do!
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Lisa : Maybe everyone would be better off if I just quit.
Bart Simpson : But if you quit, it'd be like an expert knot tier quitting a knot-tying contest right in the middle of tying a knot.
Lisa : Why'd you say that?
Bart Simpson : I dunno, I was just looking at my shoelaces.
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Lisa : Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known... then went crazy as a loon.
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[the Simpsons pass a literature class at the academy]
Cadet in Poetry Class : Truth is beauty, beauty truth, sir!
Lisa : They're discussing poetry! Oh, they never do that at my school.
Poetry Instructor : But the truth can be harsh and disturbing! How can that be considered beautiful?
Marge Simpson : Well, they sure sucked the fun out of that poem.
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Lisa : [after conquering the "Eliminator" rope climb] I did it! I did it!
Bart Simpson : Way to go, Lis! I'm so proud of you!
[pause]
Bart Simpson : You can put your arms down now, Lis.
Lisa : I can't, they're stuck!
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The Commandant : Consequently, now no cadet can receive a passing grade for the academic year without first conquering this. Meet "the Eliminator." That's a 150-foot hand-over-hand crawl across a 60-gauge hemp-jute line with a blister factor of 12. The rope is suspended a full 40 feet over a solid British acre of old-growth Connecticut Valley thorn bushes. Gentlemen, welcome to flavor country.
Lisa : This wasn't in the brochure.
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The Commandant : Gentlemen, I regret to inform you that the State Supreme Court has determined that forcing cadets to cross the Eliminator is a barbaric and malicious practice.
Lisa : [quietly elated] Yes!
The Commandant : Hence, you will be the last class to be subjected to it.
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Bart Simpson : You're gonna make it, Lise, and I'm gonna stick by you.
Lisa : Don't do that. Why should we both be outcasts?
Bart Simpson : Then I'll just stick by you in secret, like a sock-maker secretly working on a top-secret sock that...
Lisa : Will you stop looking at your feet?
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[Bart's latest prank has shattered windows all over the city]
Homer Simpson : [shouting] You've really done it this time, Bart! You're in for the punishment of a lifetime!
Lisa : [shouting] When do you expect the ringing will stop?
Chief Wiggum : [checking his watch, shouting] In about ten to fifteen seconds!
Marge Simpson : [shouting] I certainly hope-!
[ringing stops]
Marge Simpson : -so!
[covers her mouth, embarrassed; normal voice]
Marge Simpson : That's better.
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Orderly : [answering a phone call] Simpson.
Grampa Simpson : Hot diggity! I don't care if it's bad news.
Lisa : Oh, Grampa, you're not busy, are you?
Grampa Simpson : Well, you're really asking two questions there. The first one takes me back to 1934. Admiral Byrd had just reached the pole, only hours ahead of the Three Stooges.
[later]
Grampa Simpson : And I guess he won the argument, but I walked away with the turnips. The following morning, I resigned my commission in the Coast Guard. The next thing I heard, there was civil war in Spain.
[even later]
Grampa Simpson : And that's everything that happened in my life right up to the time I got this phone call.
Lisa : Uh-huh. So, anything else you wanna talk about?
Grampa Simpson : Oh, I'm afraid I'd just be repeating myself, honey. Anyway, other people need to use the phone.
Jasper : [the other retirees express their disinterest] Mm-mm. I've already talked to her for twenty damn minutes.
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The Commandant : Our high standards challenge students to reach their full potential.
Lisa : [impressed] Look at how disciplined they are. They're just like the terra-cotta warriors of Xian.
Homer Simpson : They sure are.
[throwing rocks at a couple of cadets and watching them squirm in pain]
Homer Simpson : That's not so disciplined.
The Commandant : They're just children, Mr. Simpson.
Homer Simpson : Pfft! I guess.
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Homer Simpson : Son, for the last time, you're staying at military school!
Lisa : And so am I.
[the family gasps]
Lisa : This school has everything I ever wanted.
Marge Simpson : Lisa, no! This place is just a jail for children.
Bart Simpson : No jail can hold me!
[he runs away; with a chirp, a Jeep driven by MPs passes with him in the back seat]
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Bart Simpson : Cleaning graffiti off a statue makes a mockery of everything I stand for. I don't think I can survive here, Lise.
Lisa : That's how they want you to feel. But if you just hang in there, they'll eventually accept you.
Brown-Haired Cadet : Get to work! I wanna see my face in that horse's ass!
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Lisa : It's not my nature to complain, but so far today, we've had three movies, two filmstrips, and an hour and a half of magazine time. I just don't feel challenged.
Principal Skinner : Of course, we can make things more challenging, Lisa, but then the stupider students would be in here complaining, furrowing their brows in a vain attempt to understand the situation.
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Miss Hoover : [ending an educational film] Okay, that was the sand movie. Now, it'll just take me a second to set up our next movie.
Lisa : Oh, Miss Hoover, movies are a nice break, but couldn't we be doing something a little more challenging?
Miss Hoover : [indifferently] Probably.
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Ralph Wiggum : [an educational film about the moon ends] Miss Hoover, the movie's over.
Lisa : [seeing she's not there] Where's Miss Hoover?
Janey Powell : [looking out the window] Hey, her car's gone.
Ralph Wiggum : Maybe she drove to the moon.
