The Simpsons (TV Series)

The Secret War of Lisa Simpson (1997)

Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Santa's Little Helper, Grampa Simpson, Cadet Anderson

Quotes 

• [about Bart's incorrigible behavior] 

  Chief Wiggum : You know, you do have options. For example, there are behavior-modifying drugs. How wedded are you to the Bart you know?

  Homer Simpson : Not very.

• Homer Simpson : [nervously]  Well, Bart, did you make sure to return all the guns?

  Bart Simpson : Sir! Yes, sir! Luckily, I am now trained in six additional forms of unarmed combat, sir!

• Marge Simpson : [after Bart's prank]  Now, about your punishment, young man.

  Bart Simpson : I know. I'll go to my room and think about what I did.

  Homer Simpson : Oh, no. Your room is full of toys. You're going to, uh... the garage.

  Bart Simpson : [unbothered]  You're the boss.

• Marge Simpson : Well, it certainly was nice of you to accept Bart in the middle of a semester.

  The Commandant : Fortunately, we've had a couple of recent freak-outs, so that freed up a couple of bunks.

  Bart Simpson : "Freak-outs?"

  Homer Simpson : If, uh, that happens, are we still charged for the entire semester?

• [Bart's latest prank has shattered windows all over the city] 

  Homer Simpson : [shouting]  You've really done it this time, Bart! You're in for the punishment of a lifetime!

  Lisa : [shouting]  When do you expect the ringing will stop?

  Chief Wiggum : [checking his watch, shouting]  In about ten to fifteen seconds!

  Marge Simpson : [shouting]  I certainly hope-!

  [ringing stops] 

  Marge Simpson : -so!

  [covers her mouth, embarrassed; normal voice] 

  Marge Simpson : That's better.

• Orderly : [answering a phone call]  Simpson.

  Grampa Simpson : Hot diggity! I don't care if it's bad news.

  Lisa : Oh, Grampa, you're not busy, are you?

  Grampa Simpson : Well, you're really asking two questions there. The first one takes me back to 1934. Admiral Byrd had just reached the pole, only hours ahead of the Three Stooges.

  [later] 

  Grampa Simpson : And I guess he won the argument, but I walked away with the turnips. The following morning, I resigned my commission in the Coast Guard. The next thing I heard, there was civil war in Spain.

  [even later] 

  Grampa Simpson : And that's everything that happened in my life right up to the time I got this phone call.

  Lisa : Uh-huh. So, anything else you wanna talk about?

  Grampa Simpson : Oh, I'm afraid I'd just be repeating myself, honey. Anyway, other people need to use the phone.

  Jasper : [the other retirees express their disinterest]  Mm-mm. I've already talked to her for twenty damn minutes.

• The Commandant : Our high standards challenge students to reach their full potential.

  Lisa : [impressed]  Look at how disciplined they are. They're just like the terra-cotta warriors of Xian.

  Homer Simpson : They sure are.

  [throwing rocks at a couple of cadets and watching them squirm in pain] 

  Homer Simpson : That's not so disciplined.

  The Commandant : They're just children, Mr. Simpson.

  Homer Simpson : Pfft! I guess.

• Homer Simpson : Son, for the last time, you're staying at military school!

  Lisa : And so am I.

  [the family gasps] 

  Lisa : This school has everything I ever wanted.

  Marge Simpson : Lisa, no! This place is just a jail for children.

  Bart Simpson : No jail can hold me!

  [he runs away; with a chirp, a Jeep driven by MPs passes with him in the back seat] 

• Cadet Anderson : Uh, hey, Simpson. What are you doing out here?

  Bart Simpson : Nothing.

  Cadet Anderson : Nothing? Doesn't look like nothing.

  Bart Simpson : Oh, yeah? Well... um... what are you doing out here?

  Cadet Anderson : Uh... also nothing.

  Bart Simpson : Well. Okay.

  Cadet Anderson : Okay.

  Bart Simpson : Then carry on.

  Cadet Anderson : All right, we will.

• Homer Simpson : [lazing on the couch, he hears the phone ring]  Marge! You got that? Marge!

  [nudging Santa's Little Helper off the couch with his feet] 

  Homer Simpson : Hey, go on, boy. Go get it. Answer the phone.

  [SLH licks his face] 

  Homer Simpson : Oh!

  [pressing buttons on the TV remote] 

  Homer Simpson : There's gotta be something on this thing for that thing.

  [the ringing stops] 

  Homer Simpson : [relieved]  Ahh.

• Bart Simpson : Military school? You lied to me!

  Homer Simpson : Well, I'm sorry if you *heard* "Disneyland," but I distinctly said "military school."