The Simpsons (TV Series)

The Secret War of Lisa Simpson (1997)

Nancy Cartwright: Bart Simpson, Ralph Wiggum, Nelson Muntz

Quotes 

• Firing Range Instructor : Since you've attended public schools, I'm going to assume you're already proficient with small arms. So, we'll start you off with something a little more advanced.

  [hands Bart a grenade launcher] 

  Bart Simpson : Wow.

  [Bart begins firing away at his targets, destroying four. The last grenade flies off into the distance] 

  Firing Range Instructor : Four out of five, Simpson. Impressive. But you missed your last target.

  Bart Simpson : [slyly]  Did I?

  [Springfield Elementary. Principal Skinner is standing next to the smoldering crater that was his car] 

  Nelson Muntz : HA-HA!

• Lisa : I can't do this, Bart. I'm not strong enough.

  Bart Simpson : I thought you came here looking for a challenge.

  Lisa : Duh! A challenge I could do!

• Lisa : Maybe everyone would be better off if I just quit.

  Bart Simpson : But if you quit, it'd be like an expert knot tier quitting a knot-tying contest right in the middle of tying a knot.

  Lisa : Why'd you say that?

  Bart Simpson : I dunno, I was just looking at my shoelaces.

• [the Simpsons pass a literature class at the academy] 

  Cadet in Poetry Class : Truth is beauty, beauty truth, sir!

  Lisa : They're discussing poetry! Oh, they never do that at my school.

  Poetry Instructor : But the truth can be harsh and disturbing! How can that be considered beautiful?

  Marge Simpson : Well, they sure sucked the fun out of that poem.

• Bart Simpson : Please don't make me stay, Dad. I'll do anything you say. I'll find religion! I'll be good sometimes!

• Homer Simpson : [nervously]  Well, Bart, did you make sure to return all the guns?

  Bart Simpson : Sir! Yes, sir! Luckily, I am now trained in six additional forms of unarmed combat, sir!

• Lisa : [after conquering the "Eliminator" rope climb]  I did it! I did it!

  Bart Simpson : Way to go, Lis! I'm so proud of you!

  [pause] 

  Bart Simpson : You can put your arms down now, Lis.

  Lisa : I can't, they're stuck!

• Bart Simpson : [Bart is all alone in the police megaphone storage room and decides to test out the megaphones]  Testing.

  [Bart then joins two megaphones together and speaks into them] 

  Bart Simpson : Testing!

  [Bart looks at all of the megaphones, and the two megaphones joined together and has a cunning plan] 

  Bart Simpson : Hmm... hmm... hmm...

  [He then concocts a good plan] 

  Bart Simpson : Hey!

  [the scene then cuts to all the police megaphones joined together to the window, Bart turning all of them on, attached to a chair. Bart laughs evilly as his plan is put into place. A fly buzzes past the megaphones and it echoes loudly. Bart then licks his lips together and then speaks into the megaphones] 

  Bart Simpson : TESTING!

  [Bart then is seen flying back into the shelves where the microphones have been kept; and a supersonic soundwave with Bart saying "testing" echoes throughout Springfield. The glass breaks at the local pet shop, with parrots repeating "testing!"; the supersonic echo continues at Professor Frink's lab and the glass and tank break, with the octopus latching onto Frink's head; and finally the echo continues into the Simpson house, where the echo breaks all of Homer's beer and Homer shrieks in fear] 

• Marge Simpson : [after Bart's prank]  Now, about your punishment, young man.

  Bart Simpson : I know. I'll go to my room and think about what I did.

  Homer Simpson : Oh, no. Your room is full of toys. You're going to, uh... the garage.

  Bart Simpson : [unbothered]  You're the boss.

• Bart Simpson : You're gonna make it, Lise, and I'm gonna stick by you.

  Lisa : Don't do that. Why should we both be outcasts?

  Bart Simpson : Then I'll just stick by you in secret, like a sock-maker secretly working on a top-secret sock that...

  Lisa : Will you stop looking at your feet?

• Marge Simpson : Well, it certainly was nice of you to accept Bart in the middle of a semester.

  The Commandant : Fortunately, we've had a couple of recent freak-outs, so that freed up a couple of bunks.

  Bart Simpson : "Freak-outs?"

  Homer Simpson : If, uh, that happens, are we still charged for the entire semester?

• The Commandant : Well, cadets, it's been a great year. You've all worked very hard developing academic skills and general killing skills.

  Bart Simpson : [sotto to Lisa]  My killing teacher says I'm a natural.

• Homer Simpson : Son, for the last time, you're staying at military school!

  Lisa : And so am I.

  [the family gasps] 

  Lisa : This school has everything I ever wanted.

  Marge Simpson : Lisa, no! This place is just a jail for children.

  Bart Simpson : No jail can hold me!

  [he runs away; with a chirp, a Jeep driven by MPs passes with him in the back seat] 

• Cadet Anderson : Uh, hey, Simpson. What are you doing out here?

  Bart Simpson : Nothing.

  Cadet Anderson : Nothing? Doesn't look like nothing.

  Bart Simpson : Oh, yeah? Well... um... what are you doing out here?

  Cadet Anderson : Uh... also nothing.

  Bart Simpson : Well. Okay.

  Cadet Anderson : Okay.

  Bart Simpson : Then carry on.

  Cadet Anderson : All right, we will.

• Bart Simpson : Cleaning graffiti off a statue makes a mockery of everything I stand for. I don't think I can survive here, Lise.

  Lisa : That's how they want you to feel. But if you just hang in there, they'll eventually accept you.

  Brown-Haired Cadet : Get to work! I wanna see my face in that horse's ass!

• Ralph Wiggum : [an educational film about the moon ends]  Miss Hoover, the movie's over.

  Lisa : [seeing she's not there]  Where's Miss Hoover?

  Janey Powell : [looking out the window]  Hey, her car's gone.

  Ralph Wiggum : Maybe she drove to the moon.

• The Commandant : In our 185 years, we have never had a female cadet. Oh, but that seems to be the way the wind is blowing these days. After all, we have female singers, female motorists. Welcome aboard.

  Marge Simpson : Lisa, if you ever want to quit and come home, I'll be here in half a jif.

  Bart Simpson : I wanna quit and come home.

  [cut to Homer and Marge preparing to leave] 

  Bart Simpson : I wanna quit and come home.

  Marge Simpson : Oh, honey, I heard you the first time.

• Bart Simpson : Military school? You lied to me!

  Homer Simpson : Well, I'm sorry if you *heard* "Disneyland," but I distinctly said "military school."