The Simpsons (TV Series)

The President Wore Pearls (2003)

Harry Shearer: Kent Brockman, Principal Skinner, Eddie

Photos 

Quotes 

• Kent Brockman : [after Michael Moore has given Kent a ridiculous statistic]  Where did you get that statistic?

  Michael Moore : Your Mother!

• Lisa : Principal Skinner, I will not call off this strike until you bring back music and art.

  Principal Skinner : What about gym?

  Lisa : [indifferent]  Meh.

• Seymour : [singing]  I'm so happy with my evil plan. Say goodbye to music, gym, and art. Soon we will have the perfect school... where fun and excitement never start.

  Groundskeeper Willie : I'm so drunk, I can barely see. But it helps me get through another day. My stomach is filled with haggis and ham. I've got to go puke in some hay.

  Bart : Lisa is a fool.

  Seymour : I think the rules are cool.

  Groundskeeper Willie : I've fallen in the pool!

• Lisa : Principal Skinner, may I make an announcement to the school?

  Principal Skinner : I can't see the harm.

  Lisa : [taking his intercom microphone]  I hereby resign as your president, and for my last act, I call a general student strike, effective immediately!

  Principal Skinner : [taking it back]  Give me that! Any student caught striking will be severely disciplined, unless all of you do it, then I'm stymied.

• Principal Skinner : [after the students go on strike]  Lisa, please, help me lure them back. I had to do what I did. Our budget is stretched tighter than Mother's sauna pants.

  Agnes Skinner : Seymour! Quit using me in analogies.

  Principal Skinner : Yes, Mother.

• Lisa : In the Swedish public schools, the students grade the teachers on their performance...

  Principal Skinner : Outstanding notions! Each more implementable than the last.

  Edna Krabappel : It's a shame you can't stay to discuss them. Here's your schedule for the day.

  Lisa : [looking it over]  "Photo op helping kindergartners take off snow boots", "move the brushfire hazard needle". Um, shouldn't I stay here and work on school policy?

  Principal Skinner : Lisa, you were elected to be seen and enjoyed. Don't hide your light in a smoky back room, making dusty old decisions.

  Lisa : [giggling happily]  Well, I am proud of my light.

  Principal Skinner : But just in case you want to do any more thinking, I'm proud to present you with an official key to the study hall. Use it anytime you like.

  Lisa : You mean I can come to the school after hours, weekends, even during the summer?

  Principal Skinner : Yes, it's like you're Harry Potter without the magic and wonder. Just sign these authorization forms, and you can be on your way.

  [she does so, and he leads her out] 

  Principal Skinner : [chuckling]  That little girl should learn to read things before she signs 'em.

  Lisa : [coming back]  Excuse me? I was wondering if I should read what I just signed.

  Principal Skinner : Oh, it's just standard key release boilerplate.

  Lisa : [leaving]  Okay.

  Principal Skinner : Boy, she'll believe anything.

  Lisa : [coming back again]  Key release boilerplate? I find that very hard to believe.

  Principal Skinner : Mm-hmm, and yet there it is.

  [ushering her out] 

  Principal Skinner : I'll just lock this door.

  Lisa : [coming back yet again]  Boy, this key opens everything.

• Principal Skinner : Congratulations, Mr. Student Body President. Your Casino Night is a huge success.

  Martin Prince : Thanks, Principal Skinner. I got the idea from an episode of "Saved By the Bell."

  Principal Skinner : Mm, that was always on too late for me.

• Principal Skinner : [the striking students chant a "2, 4, 6, 8"-ish rhyme]  Why didn't I cancel Sign-Making and Creative Chanting?

  Marge Simpson : Principal Skinner, can't you just reinstate those programs?

  Principal Skinner : Would you be willing to pay an extra $1.23 in taxes to fund them?

  Homer Simpson : No way! I'm saving for a speedboat.

• Homer Simpson : I'd like to cash in these chips. Give me most of it in cash and the rest in suitcases to carry the cash.

  Martin Prince : Sir, this casino is for charity. These chips are only redeemable in cafeteria scrip or a day at the ballpark with Groundskeeper Willie.

  Groundskeeper Willie : I'll be bringin' sparkplugs to chuck at people I don't like, like you!

  Homer Simpson : But I'm up $200,000!

  [grabbing Martin] 

  Homer Simpson : Give me my money! You think I won't manhandle a little boy?

  Martin Prince : You don't understand; it's not real money! None of these people have won any money!

  [to the shocked people] 

  Martin Prince : Didn't anyone read the flyer? It was sent home last Tuesday.

  [the people begin rioting and overturning the game tables] 

  Lenny : [pushing a slot machine]  Look at me! I'm a big man!

  [it falls on top of him] 

  Lenny : But I break... just like a little girl.

• Principal Skinner : Mm, not a cloud in the sky; a perfect day to unveil Operation S.L.A.A.A.M: So Long Athletics, Art, and Music. Care for a t-shirt?

  Chalmers : T-shirt? Why don't you just give me a sandwich board that says "male prostitute"?

• Principal Skinner : Well, this was a disaster.

  Martin Prince : I should have known. The same thing happened on "Saved By the Bell."

  Principal Skinner : Care for a milk?

  Martin Prince : No, thank you.

  Principal Skinner : Martin, in light of this fiasco, you're going to have to resign as president.

  Martin Prince : [crying]  I'll have that milk now.

  Principal Skinner : [he starts drinking it]  Easy there. That's whole milk.

  Martin Prince : I'm a private citizen now. I can drink what I like. You won't have Martin Prince to kick around anymore.

  [he does the Richard Nixon double-"V for victory" salute and is pulled away in a red wagon] 

• Principal Skinner : [counting the student body president votes]  Lisa, Lisa, Lisa. Wow, she even beat perennial write-in candidate "Skinner Sucks".

  Chalmers : Skinner! I'm worried. This girl is extremely popular and thinks for herself. She's like a female Eleanor Roosevelt.

  Principal Skinner : Yeah, the students will do anything she says. She's captured their imagination like a bright piece of construction paper.

• Lisa : You tricked me into betraying my fellow students!

  Principal Skinner : Lisa, student government is meaningless. Look at your constitution. It's written on the back of a placemat.

  Chalmers : And not a good placemat. It's from some place called Doodles.

• Principal Skinner : Lisa Simpson, you've just been transferred to the Springfield Magnet School for the Gifted and Troublesome. Please climb into the idling bus.

• Kent Brockman : [reporting on the student strike]  The heart of the strike is former student body president Lisa Simpson. Her brother had this to say.

  Bart : [outside the school]  Lisa is a nut/She has a rubber butt/Every time she turns around, it goes "putt-putt".

  Kent Brockman : [back in the studio]  Indeed, but that rubber butt doesn't have much time for turning around these days. It's pointed squarely in the face of the administration.

  Chalmers : [turning a TV off]  Skinner! We have got to get these kids back in school.

  Principal Skinner : Willie, can't you turn your hose on them?

  Groundskeeper Willie : They are wee children. I'd sooner turn it on myself.

  Principal Skinner : Well, that's a good idea, too.

  Groundskeeper Willie : See, here, you nose-wiping hair-combers. Back in Edinburgh, we had a coal miner's strike. All we wanted were hats with a wee light on top. Then one day, the mine collapsed. No one made it out alive. Not even Willie.

  Chalmers : Skinner! I don't mean to interrupt your advice from the janitor, but I say cut off the head and the body will die.

  Principal Skinner : You want to get rid of Lisa? But she's such a good student.

  Chalmers : Yes, in fact, I think she's a little too good for this school.