The Simpsons (TV Series)

The President Wore Pearls (2003)

Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson

Quotes 

• Seymour : [singing]  I'm so happy with my evil plan. Say goodbye to music, gym, and art. Soon we will have the perfect school... where fun and excitement never start.

  Groundskeeper Willie : I'm so drunk, I can barely see. But it helps me get through another day. My stomach is filled with haggis and ham. I've got to go puke in some hay.

  Bart : Lisa is a fool.

  Seymour : I think the rules are cool.

  Groundskeeper Willie : I've fallen in the pool!

• Marge Simpson : Lisa, you look so successful. Like you're the wife of a businessman.

  Homer Simpson : I wish I married a businessman. Then I'd have nice things.

• Homer Simpson : [after Lisa is transferred to a new school]  I'm not driving 45 minutes a day! You can't go to that school!

  Lisa : But this is my dream.

  Homer Simpson : Oh, why can't you have a normal dream like being an Olympic figure skater?

  Lisa : [getting into the car]  Okay, let me take figure skating.

  Homer Simpson : [driving away]  Are you crazy? I'm not getting up at 6:30 every morning so you can prance around a frozen pond and think you're better than me.

  Lisa : Well, what can I be?

  Homer Simpson : I don't know. How about a horse whisperer?

  Lisa : Okay.

  Homer Simpson : Over my dead body.

• Principal Skinner : [the striking students chant a "2, 4, 6, 8"-ish rhyme]  Why didn't I cancel Sign-Making and Creative Chanting?

  Marge Simpson : Principal Skinner, can't you just reinstate those programs?

  Principal Skinner : Would you be willing to pay an extra $1.23 in taxes to fund them?

  Homer Simpson : No way! I'm saving for a speedboat.

• Homer Simpson : I'd like to cash in these chips. Give me most of it in cash and the rest in suitcases to carry the cash.

  Martin Prince : Sir, this casino is for charity. These chips are only redeemable in cafeteria scrip or a day at the ballpark with Groundskeeper Willie.

  Groundskeeper Willie : I'll be bringin' sparkplugs to chuck at people I don't like, like you!

  Homer Simpson : But I'm up $200,000!

  [grabbing Martin] 

  Homer Simpson : Give me my money! You think I won't manhandle a little boy?

  Martin Prince : You don't understand; it's not real money! None of these people have won any money!

  [to the shocked people] 

  Martin Prince : Didn't anyone read the flyer? It was sent home last Tuesday.

  [the people begin rioting and overturning the game tables] 

  Lenny : [pushing a slot machine]  Look at me! I'm a big man!

  [it falls on top of him] 

  Lenny : But I break... just like a little girl.

• Homer Simpson : I'll put everything on lucky 17.

  [Lisa spins her prize wheel] 

  Homer Simpson : D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! Whoo-hoo!

  [as the wheel slows down] 

  Homer Simpson : D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! Whoo-hoo! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'ooooh!

  [the wheel lands on 17] 

  Homer Simpson : Whoo-hoo!

  Lisa : And the winner is... 17!

  Homer Simpson : I win!

  [hugging Marge] 

  Homer Simpson : This is it, baby. First thing tomorrow, we're getting a PlayStation One!

  Marge Simpson : Ooh!

• Lisa : I can't beat Nelson.

  Homer Simpson : Why don't you start a rumor that he's... ding-a-ling-a-ling!

  [in a high-pitched falsetto, sing-songy voice] 

  Homer Simpson : Hello! Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho, what a delicious quiche! I drive a pink Miata.

  Lisa : I can't believe Nelson is more popular than me.

  [Homer prances around the front yard, humming] 

  Marge Simpson : Honey, you can be popular. You've just got to be yourself... in a whole new way.

  Lisa : No, I'm gonna stick to my platform of incremental policy amelioration: fluoridated water fountains, vegan lunch options...

  Homer Simpson : [coming back in wearing a tutu, lisping]  "My name is Nelson! I use a thalad fork. La-dee-dah! I wash my face."

  Marge Simpson : Where did you get that tutu?

  Homer Simpson : Clothesline.

• Milhouse Van Houten : Hey, Lisa, can I get a photo for the front page? It'll either be a picture of you or the drinking fountain that won't stop running.

  Lisa : Make it snappy, Milhouse. I've got an important meeting in the teachers' lounge.

  Milhouse Van Houten : [taking a picture as she poses]  The teachers' lounge. Is it true they make fun of students in there?

  Lisa : Oh, don't be silly.

  Groundskeeper Willie : [she opens the door]  Look at me, I'm Milhouse. I've tucked me shirt into me underpants!

  [teachers, Otto, and Skinner roar with laughter] 

  Groundskeeper Willie : I've got no friends, so I confide in Willie!

• Homer Simpson : Oh, boy, Casino Night! Finally, they'll teach our kids the dangers of doubling down on a six.

  Marge Simpson : I really shouldn't be here; I have a problem with games of chance. I played Candyland with Maggie and ended up throwing vodka in her face.

  Homer Simpson : Aw, Marge, I bet you've gotten that out of your system.

  Marge Simpson : Bet... system... betting system! God is telling me to gamble!

  [pushing her way through, she goes to Ralph Wiggum's blackjack table] 

  Marge Simpson : Deal! Hit me! Hit me! Hit me! Busted! Mmm.

  [she throws a martini in his face] 

• Lisa : I think I can say with all humility, I am going to be the best school president ever.

  Bart : [clapping, sarcastic]  Bravo, Lisa. Bravo.

  Marge Simpson : Oh, isn't that sweet? Even your brother's adding his kudos.

  Bart : I was being sarcastic.

  Marge Simpson : You were?

  Bart : [with heavy sarcasm]  No, I was being sincere.

  Homer Simpson : Oh, I'm so confused.

  Bart : Lise, Skinner is using you, like a pawn on his unholy chess set.

  Homer Simpson : On my chess set, the pawns are all Hamburglars.

• Kent Brockman : [reporting on the student strike]  The heart of the strike is former student body president Lisa Simpson. Her brother had this to say.

  Bart : [outside the school]  Lisa is a nut/She has a rubber butt/Every time she turns around, it goes "putt-putt".

  Kent Brockman : [back in the studio]  Indeed, but that rubber butt doesn't have much time for turning around these days. It's pointed squarely in the face of the administration.

  Chalmers : [turning a TV off]  Skinner! We have got to get these kids back in school.

  Principal Skinner : Willie, can't you turn your hose on them?

  Groundskeeper Willie : They are wee children. I'd sooner turn it on myself.

  Principal Skinner : Well, that's a good idea, too.

  Groundskeeper Willie : See, here, you nose-wiping hair-combers. Back in Edinburgh, we had a coal miner's strike. All we wanted were hats with a wee light on top. Then one day, the mine collapsed. No one made it out alive. Not even Willie.

  Chalmers : Skinner! I don't mean to interrupt your advice from the janitor, but I say cut off the head and the body will die.

  Principal Skinner : You want to get rid of Lisa? But she's such a good student.

  Chalmers : Yes, in fact, I think she's a little too good for this school.