The Simpsons (TV Series)
The Front (1993)
Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Krusty the Clown, Itchy, Elvis, Writer #1, Grampa, Artie Ziff, Barney Gumble, Audience Member #1
Quotes
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[Bart and Lisa explain that they used Grampa's name on their script]
Bart Simpson : Didn't you wonder why you were getting checks for doing absolutely nothing?
Grampa : I figured 'cause the Democrats were in power again.
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Grampa : [writing a letter] Dear Mr. President, there are too many states these days. Please eliminate three. I am NOT a crackpot.
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Principal Dondelinger : All right, here are your exams. Fifty questions, True or False.
Homer : True.
Principal Dondelinger : Eh, homer, I was just describing the test.
Homer : True.
Principal Dondelinger : Look, Homer, just take the test, and you'll be fine.
Homer : False.
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Homer : All right, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can continue killing you with beer.
Homer's Brain : It's a deal.
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Principal Dondelinger : Now, I'm going to burn this doughnut to show you how many calories it has.
Homer : Noooooo!
Principal Dondelinger : The bright blue flame indicates this was a particularly sweet doughnut.
Homer : This is not happening...
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Roger Meyers Jr. : If I puked in a fountain pen and mailed it to the monkey house, I'd get better scripts.
Writer #1 : But, sir, at Harvard...
Roger Meyers Jr. : Oh, at Harvard they taught you? Hit the streets, egghead! You should've majored in not getting fired!
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Marge Simpson : An invitation to our high school reunion! Gee, that's odd, they didn't send one to you.
Homer's Brain : This is it, Homer. It's time to tell her the terrible secret from your past.
Homer : Marge, I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom.
Marge Simpson : Oh my God!
Homer's Brain : No, the other secret.
Homer : Marge, I never graduated from high school.
Marge Simpson : Well, that still doesn't explain why you ate my soap. Wait, maybe it does.
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Bart Simpson : Grampa, we need to know your first name.
Grampa : [gasps] You're making my tombstone?
Lisa Simpson : No, no, we're just curious.
Grampa : All right, let's see. First name, first name... well, whenever I'm confused, I just check my underwear.
[pulls them out]
Grampa : It holds the answer to all the important questions.
[reads]
Grampa : "Call me... Abraham Simpson."
Lisa Simpson : Grampa, how'd you take off your underwear without taking off your pants?
Grampa : ...I don't know.
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[News has just gotten out that Homer never graduated]
Barney Gumble : Didn't graduate? How low can you get?
Audience Member #2 : Barney, where's your cummerbund?
Barney Gumble : [sadly] It fell in the toilet.
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Roger Meyers Jr. : You're a comedy writer? My god, you're so old.
Grampa : I want my check!
Roger Meyers Jr. : [laughing] You're a writer, all right. All right, here you go, Simpson.
Grampa : I want another one!
Roger Meyers Jr. : You're a funny guy. How would you like a staff job? I'll start you at $800 a week.
Grampa : My chest hurts.
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Jingle singer : Hens love roosters! Geese love ganders! Everybody else loves Ned Flanders!
Homer : Not me!
Jingle singer : Everyone who counts loves Ned Flanders!
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Lisa Simpson : [watching an "Itchy & Scratchy" cartoon] This is a rather lifeless outing.
Bart Simpson : Don't worry, they're building to something.
Scratchy : [Itchy hits him with a mallet] Ow.
Itchy , Scratchy : Kids, say "no" to drugs.
[they smile, and the cartoon ends]
Krusty the Clown : Eh, I could pull a better cartoon out of my a...
[realizing the cameras are rolling]
Krusty the Clown : Hey, whoa, wasn't that great, kids?
Lisa Simpson : That's as bad as the tasteless Itchy and Sambo cartoons of the late '30s. The writers should be ashamed of themselves.
Bart Simpson : Cartoons have writers?
Lisa Simpson : Yeah, sort of.
Bart Simpson : Oh, yeah? Well, you and I could write a better cartoon than that.
Lisa Simpson : [getting an idea] Write a cartoon ourselves? Bart, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Bart Simpson : Probably not.
[in a thought bubble, he holds on a gun on Santa Claus]
Bart Simpson : Lie in the snow and count to 60.
[as Santa does so, he climbs into Santa's sleigh and flies away with an evil laugh]
Bart Simpson : Merry Christmas, suckers!
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Lisa Simpson : It's so sad that Krusty is ashamed of his roots.
[Homer walks in, with a plunger stuck on his head]
Homer : Marge, it happened again!
[he wrenches at it, but only pulls off the handle]
Bart Simpson : What are you gonna change your name to when you grow up?
Lisa Simpson : Lois Sanborn.
Bart Simpson : [points to himself] Steve Bennett.
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Krusty the Clown : So, this patch steadily releases nicotine into my body, eliminating my need for cigarettes.
[goofy laugh; after a moment of silence, he starts licking the patch]
Krusty the Clown : Roll the cartoon.
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Lisa Simpson : Grampa, we could write the scripts for you and split the money three ways.
Grampa : I don't know. I'd better sleep on it.
Bart Simpson : [he falls asleep] Grampa?
[tapping his shoulder]
Bart Simpson : Grampa.
Grampa : [jerking awake] Ah! Duh! Oh, why did you wake me? I was having the nicest dream. I dreamt I was the queen of the Old West. I kept a six-shooter in my garter, I did.
Bart Simpson : Do we have a deal?
Grampa : Sure, sure.
[he falls asleep again; in his thought bubble, two cowboys prepare to duel]
Grampa : [coming out dressed as an Old West showgirl] Boys, stop! You can both marry me.
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Homer : Bart, Lisa, I have something to tell you, and I'm not proud of it.
Bart Simpson : Dad, whatever you say, you know you'll always have my love and respect.
Homer : I never graduated from high school.
[Bart starts laughing; enraged, Homer grabs and strangles him]
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Homer : Marge, I have my pride. I'm going to go to night school, earn my high school diploma, and get back my "most improved odor" trophy.
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Marge Simpson : Hello, Principal Dondelinger.
Principal Dondelinger : Oh, Marge Bouvier, it's so good to see you. Sorry, sir. We're not letting vagrants sleep in the gym tonight, but we will be putting some scraps by the back door.
Homer : D'oh!
Principal Dondelinger : Oh, it's you, Simpson.
[shaking his head]
Principal Dondelinger : Yeech.
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Bobby Mindich : [handing out alumni awards] First, the award for the alumnus who's gained the most weight. Homer Simpson.
Homer : [running up to accept it] Oh, my god!
Bobby Mindich : How'd you do it, Homer?
Homer : I discovered a meal between breakfast and brunch.
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Roxie : Sir, a Lisa and Bart Simpson sent you a script.
Roger Meyers Jr. : Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[reading the accompanying note]
Roger Meyers Jr. : "Dear, Mr. Meyers. My brother and I watch your show. You should be proud that children everywhere..." blah, blah, blah, bling-bling-bling, blah.
[crumpling it up]
Roger Meyers Jr. : Hey, egghead! Sing "Fair Harvard".
Writer #1 : [singing] Fair, Harvard, I...
[Meyers throws the note into his mouth]
Writer #1 : [taking it out] You, sir, have the boorish manners of a Yalie.
Roger Meyers Jr. : Here's a witty rejoinder for ya!
[he throws his nameplate at the writer, which hits him in the forehead]
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Bobby Mindich : And now, the award for most improved odor. Homer Simpson.
Homer : Yes!
Bobby Mindich : And the person who traveled the least distance to be here...
[Southern accent]
Bobby Mindich : Well, kiss my grits. Homer Simpson.
Homer : [accepting the award] What can I say? It hasn't been easy staying in my rut.
Principal Dondelinger : [clearing his throat] Ahem. Class of '74, I was just, uh, leafing through your permanent records when I discovered something shocking. Homer Simpson never passed Remedial Science 1A and thus never graduated from high school. I'm sorry, Simpson, I'm gonna have to take back those awards.
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Grampa : Hello, son. I was on my way home from work and thought I'd drop by.
Homer : Oh... you have a job?
Grampa : They pay me $800 a week to tell a cat and mouse what to do.
Homer : I see.
[in a thought bubble, he carries a humming Grampa to the nuthouse in a wheelbarrow and leaves him there]
Bart Simpson : Dad, can we talk to Grampa alone for a minute?
Homer : All right, but if he starts to wig out, try to lure him into the cellar.
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Marge Simpson : Time to go to the reunion.
Homer : It'll be great to see the old gang again. Potsie, Ralph Malph, the Fonz.
Marge Simpson : That was "Happy Days".
Homer : No, they weren't all happy days. Like the time Pinky Tuscadero crashed her motorcycle, or the night I lost all my money to those card sharks and my dad, Tom Bosley, had to get it back.
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Writer #1 : Sir, you locked my office, and I wanted to get my Harvard mug.
Roger Meyers Jr. : [throwing his nameplate again] Shut up!
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Artie Ziff : Hello, Marge. Have you heard? I'm stinking rich.
[sticking the head of his cane in Homer's face]
Artie Ziff : Jealous?
Homer : I'll bet you'd trade it all for one night with my wife.
Artie Ziff : I would.
Homer : [considering it] Hmm!
Marge Simpson : Homer!
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Krusty's Chef : Now, Krusty, I hear it's your birthday. So I got your mother's recipe for matzo balls.
Krusty the Clown : Hey, I don't do the Jewish stuff on the air.
Krusty's Chef : But, Herschel, bubelah...
Krusty the Clown : [through gritted teeth] Ixnay on the ew-jay.
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Homer : I never passed Remedial Science 1A.
Marge Simpson : And you're a nuclear technician?
Homer : Marge, ixnay on the uclear-nay echnician-tay.
Marge Simpson : What did you say?
Homer : [ashamed] I don't know. I flunked Latin, too.
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Principal Dondelinger : Welcome to Remedial Science 1A. My, uh, wife recently passed away. I thought teaching might ease my loneliness.
Homer : Will this be on the test?
Principal Dondelinger : No!
Homer : [disappointed] Oh.
[he erases "dead wife" from his notebook]
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Roger Meyers Jr. : Hey, how would you kids like a tour of the studio?
Bart Simpson , Lisa Simpson : Yay!
Roger Meyers Jr. : Abe, you coming?
Grampa : Any stairs?
Roger Meyers Jr. : Just one.
Grampa : Nuts to you.
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Grampa : [accepting his writing award] That was the first time I ever saw Itchy and Scratchy, and I didn't like it one bit. It was disgusting and violent. I think all you people are despicable. For shame!
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Roger Meyers Jr. : Good news, Abe.
Grampa : Who are you?
Roger Meyers Jr. : [laughing] No, no, you've been nominated for an award. You're so good, I fired the other writers. From now on, the fate of the entire company rests on that delightful coconut of yours.
Grampa : Oh, no, we're all doomed. I'm a complete fraud.
Roger Meyers Jr. : Huh? Sorry, I didn't catch any of that.
[checking his watch]
Roger Meyers Jr. : And now I gotta go.
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Homer : Marge, I passed!
Marge Simpson : That's wonderful, Homie.
Homer : At our next high school reunion, I'll have nothing to be ashamed of.
[flashforward to their 50th reunion in 2024]
Homer : Hello, Dondalinger.
Principal Dondelinger : Simpson, is that a plunger stuck on your head?
Homer : [Marge face-palms in embarrassment] D'oh!
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Grampa : Here, kids, I guess you deserve this. Let's go.
Lisa Simpson : I guess nobody likes the truth, huh, Grampa?
Grampa : Nope.
Bart Simpson : I'll never watch an awards show again, unless that delightful Billy Crystal's involved.
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Bart Simpson : Yo, Grampa, time for the awards.
Grampa : Did you call the girl from the escort service?
Lisa Simpson : They said their insurance won't cover you.
Grampa : Ooh, that's an onion in the ointment.
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Animation Awards Announcer : And now, to present the award for outstanding writing in a cartoon series, Krusty the Clown and Brooke Shields.
Krusty the Clown : Well, here we are; the star of "The Blue Lagoon" and me, the blue-haired goon. What the...
[double-checking the cue card]
Krusty the Clown : That's terrible.
Brooke Shields : Cartoons have the power to make us laugh and to make us cry. Wouldn't you agree, Krusty?
Krusty the Clown : First of all, my hair is green, not blue. I got nothing to work with here. Nothing.
Brooke Shields : Uh...
Krusty the Clown : [walking offstage] Well, at least I can take off this girdle.
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[practicing his acceptance speech]
Grampa : Thank you for this award. It is a tribute to this great country, that a man who once took a shot at Teddy Roosevelt could win back your trust...
