The Simpsons (TV Series)

One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish (1991)

Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Richie Sakai, Grampa Simpson, Barney Gumble, TV Voice #1

Photos 

Quotes 

• Dr. Julius Hibbert : Now, a little death anxiety is normal. You can expect to go through five stages. The first is denial.

  Homer Simpson : No way, because I'm not dying!

  Dr. Julius Hibbert : Second is anger.

  Homer Simpson : [furiously]  Why you little... !

  Dr. Julius Hibbert : After that comes fear.

  Homer Simpson : [worried]  What's after fear? What's after fear?

  Dr. Julius Hibbert : Bargaining.

  Homer Simpson : Doc, you gotta get me outta this. I'll make it worth your while.

  Dr. Julius Hibbert : Finally acceptance.

  Homer Simpson : Well, we all gotta go sometime.

  Dr. Julius Hibbert : Mr. Simpson, your progress astounds me.

• [Believing he is going to die during the night, Homer is tucking in and kissing each of his sleeping children one last time] 

  Homer Simpson : Goodbye, Maggie. Stay as sweet as you are.

  [in Lisa's room] 

  Homer Simpson : Goodbye, Lisa. I know you'll make me proud.

  [in Bart's room. Bart has Krusty the Klown themed bed sheets] 

  Homer Simpson : Goodbye, Bart.

  [pause as he struggles to think of something to say to his naughtiest and least promising child] 

  Homer Simpson : I like your sheets.

• Dr. Julius Hibbert : Erm... your wife agreed that should I break this to you.

  Homer Simpson : No need, Doc. I can read Marge like a book.

  [he looks at Marge, who is frowning] 

  Homer Simpson : [excited]  Oooh! It's good news, isn't it?

• Dr. Julius Hibbert : If in fact you've consumed the venom of the blowfish, and from what the chef has told me, it's quite probable... You have 24 hours to live.

  Homer Simpson : 24 hours!

  Dr. Julius Hibbert : Well, 22, I'm sorry I kept you waiting so long.

• Marge Simpson : I wrote a poem for you this afternoon, Homer. It's called "To a Husband".

  Homer Simpson : Okay, okay.

  Marge Simpson : The blackened clouds are forming.

  Homer Simpson : Oh, give me a break, Marge.

  Marge Simpson : Soon the rain will fall. My dear one is departing. But first, please heed this call. That always will I love you, my one, my love, my all.

  Homer Simpson : That was beautiful.

  [they hold hands and kiss] 

• Eddie : [opening Homer's jail cell door]  OK, flash. You get one phone call.

  Homer Simpson : [at a phone, about to dial]  Wait, I can't call Marge. It's our last day on Earth together, I can't drag her into this mess. I know, I'll call Barney.

  [he dials. Cut to an answering machine in Barney's filthy apartment. Barney is sitting on the couch cutting his toenails] 

  Voices on Answering Machine : [to the tune of Beethoven's 5th Symphony]  Nobody's here! Nobody's here! Nobody's here, nobody's here, nobody's here!

  Homer Simpson : Damn those novelty telephone answering machine tapes! Thanks a lot, Barney, I just wasted my one phone call on your stupid...

  Barney Gumble : [rushes to the phone and picks up it up]  What? Wait! I'm home! I'm home! Hi, Homer.

  Homer Simpson : You've got to help me, Barney, I'm in jail.

  Barney Gumble : You are? Hey, Homer, go to the window.

  [looks out of his window overlooking the police station, sees Homer inside and waves to him] 

  Barney Gumble : Hiya neighbour! I can seee you!

  Homer Simpson : D'oh, gah! Just get over here and bring 50 bucks for bail!

  Barney Gumble : 50 bucks! What'd you do, kill a judge?

• [one of the things on Homer's list of things to do before he dies is "Tell off boss". While riding in Barney's car, he happens to spot Mr. Burns sitting on a park bench] 

  Homer Simpson : [leaning out of the car window as he goes past]  Hey, Burns! Eat my shorts!

  Mr. Burns : [annoyed]  Who the Sam Hill was that?

  Smithers : Why, it's... Homer Simpson, sir. One of the schmoes from sector 7G.

  Mr. Burns : Simpson, eh? I want him in my office at 9 o'clock Monday morning. We'll see who eats whose shorts.

• Toshiro : Mr. Simpson-san, I shall be blunt. We have reason to believe you have eaten... poison.

  Homer Simpson : Poison! Wh... what should I do? What should I do? Tell me quick!

  Toshiro : [holds up a menu]  Oh, no need to panic. There's a map to the hospital on the back of the menu.

• Homer Simpson : [to Bart]  I want to share something with you. The three little sentences that will get you through life; Number One: "Cover for me". Number Two: "Oh, good idea, boss!" Number Three: "I was like that when I got here."

• [video camera POV of Homer sitting in a chair in the lounge] 

  Homer Simpson : This is a video tape for my daughter, Maggie. Hi, Maggie. I'm speaking to you from beyond the grave.

  [like a ghost] 

  Homer Simpson : Wooooooohhh!

  [chuckles] 

  Homer Simpson : Hee, hee, hee. Hope that didn't scare you. Well, Maggie, you're grown up now, and unless you taped over this, you're probably wondering what kind of man your father was. He was a simple man, a kind man, a gentle man who loved his children and...

  [the phone rings] 

  Homer Simpson : D'oh!

  [he gets up, walks up close to the camera to answer the phone, resulting in a close-up of his legs and backside. He scratches his bottom] 

  Homer Simpson : [gruffly]  Hello. Yeah, he's here, who is this? Bart's friend Milhouse? Bart! Get your butt down here!

• Lisa : [sighs]  Thursday, meatloaf night. As it was, is now, and ever shall be.

  Homer : What are you getting at?

  Lisa : Well, you're always trying to teach me to be open-minded, try new things, live life to...

  Homer : What are you talking about? Nobody's trying to teach you that!

  [he squirts the ketchup bottle onto his meatloaf, which makes a farting noise. Bart laughs] 

  Homer : Shut up, boy.

  Marge : Well, maybe Lisa's right. Tomorrow night it might be nice to go out for dinner.

  Homer : Tomorrow night? Friday? Pork chop night? Marge! We haven't missed pork chop night since the great big scare in '87!

  Lisa : [sighs]  Friday night, pork chops. From cradle to grave, etched in stone in God's library somewhere up in heaven...

  Homer : OK, OK, OK. Where do you want to go?

  Lisa : Anywhere but hamburgers, pizza or fried chicken!

  Homer : Fine, we'll go to Mars!

• Homer Simpson : Dad, we've never been too close, have we?

  Grandpa Simpson : Not to my knowledge.

  Homer Simpson : Never went fishing or played catch or even hugged each other.

  Grandpa Simpson : We never danced the hootchie-koo, either. What's your point?

• Homer Simpson : [in a jail cell, listening to his cellmate playing the harmonica]  That's sorta nice. What are you in for?

  Homer's Cellmate : Atmosphere.

• Homer Simpson : [as the chefs argue loudly in Japanese after they realise Homer may have been served poisonous blowfish]  Beautiful language, isn't it, Marge?

• Homer Simpson : [showing Bart how to shave]  And finally, the little spot under your nose. Next, we take some toilet paper, tear off some teensy little squares, and stick one there, and there, and any place you're bleeding, there, and there. Don't worry, the blood'll hold it right on your face. Now, some aftershave.

  [he puts the aftershave on his face] 

  Homer Simpson : [in pain]  Oooh! Ahh! Eee! YEEAAAAAAAARRRGGGHHH! Nnnghh! Oooh! Yeaargh! You son-of-a... ! Ohh! Eeeee!

  [calm again] 

  Homer Simpson : And that's how we shave.

• Homer Simpson : [has been pulled over by Eddie and Lou, who are each wearing sunglasses and in a rather cocky mood]  I'm sorry, officer, I know I was going too fast, just give me a ticket.

  Eddie : I beg your pardon?

  Homer Simpson : Just give me a ticket!

  Lou : Whoa, well, that sounded like an order.

  Homer Simpson : I pay my taxes and they pay your salary, so when I say give me a ticket, just give me a ticket!

  Eddie : Uh-huh. Maybe we don't want to give you a ticket.

  Lou : Maybe we want to haul your butt in, wiseguy.

  [cut to Homer being shoved into a jail cell] 

  Eddie : [off-camera]  Hey, look what else your tax dollars pay for, huh?

  [Eddie and Lou laugh as the door slams shut] 

• Homer Simpson : [singing]  Oh how I want to be in that number, when the saints go over there.

• Toshiro : [looking at the diagram for cutting Fugu fish]  Mmm-hmm... uh... poison, poison... tasty fish!

  [holds his knife over the fish] 

  Toshiro : Concentrate... concentrate...

  Homer Simpson : [from the other room]  I WANT FUGU!

  Toshiro : [startled, he slips the knife]  Aagh!