The Simpsons (TV Series)

Marge vs. the Monorail (1993)

Phil Hartman: Lyle Lanley

Photos 

Quotes 

• Lyle Lanely : [begins to chant rhythmically]  Well sir, there's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bona-fide, electrified, six-car monorail! What'd I say?

  [points at Ned Flanders] 

  Ned Flanders : Monorail!

  Lyle Lanely : What's it called?

  Patty Bouvier , Selma Bouvier : Monorail.

  Lyle Lanely : That's right, monorail!

  [runs up to the stage, the crowd begins chanting] 

  Crowd : Monorail. Monorail. Monorail.

  [continues underneath those who speak] 

  Miss Hoover : I hear those things are awfully loud.

  Lyle Lanely : [playing the piano on stage]  It glides as softly as a cloud.

  Apu : Is there a chance the track could bend?

  Lyle Lanely : Not on your life, my Hindu friend.

  Barney Gumble : What about us brain-dead slobs?

  Lyle Lanely : You'll be given cushy jobs.

  Grampa Simpson : Were you sent here by the devil?

  Lyle Lanely : No, good sir, I'm on the level.

  Chief Wiggum : The ring came off my pudding can.

  Lyle Lanely : Take my pen knife, my good man. I swear, it's Springfield's only choice! Throw up your hands and raise your voice!

  Crowd : [singing]  Monorail...

  Lyle Lanely : [speaking]  What's it called?

  Crowd : [singing]  Monorail...

  Lyle Lanely : Once again!

  Crowd : [still singing]  Monoraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaail!

• Lyle Lanely : So in conlusion, Mono means one and rail means rail.

• Airline Pilot : [over PA]  Folks, this is your captain speaking. Our nonstop flight to Tahiti will be making a brief layover in North Haverbrook.

  Lyle Lanely : [sitting in first class, sipping a martini]  North Haverbrook... where have I heard that name before?

  [realizes] 

  Lyle Lanely : Oh, no... OH, NO!

  North Haverbrook Man : [as the plane lands]  There he is! Seat 3-F!

  [as soon as the plane touches down, a lynch mob rushes on board] 

• Lyle Lanely : You know, a town with money is a little like the mule with the spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it.

  [crowd laughs] 

  Homer : He heh... mule.

  Lyle Lanely : The name's Lanely! Lyle Lanely. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest... Aw, it's not for you. It's more of a Shelbyville idea.

  [starts to walk out of the room] 

  Mayor Quimby : [at the podium]  Now wait just a minute! We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville. You just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it!

  Lyle Lanely : All right. I'll tell you what I'll do! I'll show you my idea.

  [runs over to a display covered by a sheet, and he whips it off, revealing a diorama of Springfield with a monorail model going through it] 

  Lyle Lanely : I give you the Springfield Monorail!

  [crowd gasps] 

  Lyle Lanely : I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and by gum I've put them on the map!

  [holds up a map of the U.S. with those towns' names drawn on with pen] 

• Miss Hoover : Thank you for coming, Mr. Lanley. I'm Miss Hoover.

  Miss Hoover : MISS Hoover? That is hard to believe!

  Miss Hoover : Oh, you. Ho, ho!

  Lyle Lanely : Now, I'm here to answer any questions you children have about the monorail.

  [kids raise their hands and call out "Me! Me!"] 

  Ralph Wiggum : Can it outrun The Flash?

  Lyle Lanely : You bet!

  Child in Lisa's Class : Can Superman outrun The Flash?

  Lyle Lanely : Eh - sure, why not. Hello, little girl! Wondering if your dolly can ride the monorail for free?

  Lisa Simpson : Hardly. I'd like you to explain why we should build a mass-transit system in a small town with a centralized population.

  Lyle Lanely : Ha, ha! Young lady, that's the most intelligent question I've ever been asked.

  Lisa Simpson : Really?

  Lyle Lanely : Oh, I could give you an answer. But the only ones who'd understand it would be you and me - and that includes your teacher!

  [Lisa giggles, flattered] 

  Lyle Lanely : Next question - you there, eating the paste.