The Simpsons (TV Series)
Marge vs. the Monorail (1993)
Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Grampa Simpson, Barney Gumble, Marlon Brando Impersonator, Investigative Reporter, Krusty the Clown, Mayor Quimby, Genghis Khan, Krusty's Son, Monorail Switchboard Operator #2, Cackling Woman, Siamese Twins
Quotes
-
[whistle sounds; Homer slides down the power plant into his car, drives away, and sings to the tune of "The Flintstones"]
Homer : Simpson, Homer Simpson. He's the greatest guy in history. From the town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree. AAH!
[crashes into a chestnut tree]
-
Marge Simpson : [Marge opens a closet in the monorail] Homer, there's a family of opossums in here!
Homer : I call the big one Bitey.
-
Mayor Quimby : And now, I'd like to turn things over to our Grand Marshall, Mr. Leonard Nimoy.
Leonard Nimoy : [referring to the monorail] I'd say this vessel could do at least Warp Five.
[crowd laughs]
Mayor Quimby : And let me say, "May the Force be with you."
Leonard Nimoy : [annoyed] Do you even know who I am?
Mayor Quimby : I think I do. Weren't you one of the Little Rascals?
-
Mayor Quimby : All right, I'm in charge here.
Chief Wiggum : Oh, run along, Quimby. I think they're dedicating a phone booth somewhere.
Mayor Quimby : Watch it, you talking tub of donut batter.
Chief Wiggum : Hey, I got pictures of you, Quimby.
Mayor Quimby : You don't scare me, that could be anyone's ass. Now beat it! I'm calling the shots.
Chief Wiggum : I think that sash is cutting off the air to your brain! The town charter says, in an emergency I run the show!
Mayor Quimby : Well, we'll just see about that! Let's go to Town Hall!
Chief Wiggum : Fine!
[then]
Chief Wiggum : Should we take one car, or should I follow you?
-
Homer : Donuts - is there anything they can't do?
-
Marge : My name is Marge Simpson and I have an idea. It may sound a little boring at first.
Mayor Quimby : Chat away. I'll just amuse myself with some pornographic playing cards.
-
Homer : Marge, I wanna be a monorail conductor.
Marge : Homer, no.
Homer : It's my lifelong dream!
Marge : Your lifelong dream was to run out onto the field during a baseball game, and you did it last year, remember?
[Points to a framed newspaper reading "IDIOT RUINS GAME - Springfield forfeits pennant"]
-
Lyle Lanely : [begins to chant rhythmically] Well sir, there's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bona-fide, electrified, six-car monorail! What'd I say?
[points at Ned Flanders]
Ned Flanders : Monorail!
Lyle Lanely : What's it called?
Patty Bouvier , Selma Bouvier : Monorail.
Lyle Lanely : That's right, monorail!
[runs up to the stage, the crowd begins chanting]
Crowd : Monorail. Monorail. Monorail.
[continues underneath those who speak]
Miss Hoover : I hear those things are awfully loud.
Lyle Lanely : [playing the piano on stage] It glides as softly as a cloud.
Apu : Is there a chance the track could bend?
Lyle Lanely : Not on your life, my Hindu friend.
Barney Gumble : What about us brain-dead slobs?
Lyle Lanely : You'll be given cushy jobs.
Grampa Simpson : Were you sent here by the devil?
Lyle Lanely : No, good sir, I'm on the level.
Chief Wiggum : The ring came off my pudding can.
Lyle Lanely : Take my pen knife, my good man. I swear, it's Springfield's only choice! Throw up your hands and raise your voice!
Crowd : [singing] Monorail...
Lyle Lanely : [speaking] What's it called?
Crowd : [singing] Monorail...
Lyle Lanely : Once again!
Crowd : [still singing] Monoraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaail!
-
Leonard Nimoy : My job here is done.
Barney Gumble : What do you mean? You didn't do anything.
Leonard Nimoy : [chuckles] Didn't I?
[gets "beamed" away, a la "Star Trek"]
-
Sebastian Kobb : [showing Marge North Haverbrook's monorail] This is all that's left of one of the crappiest trains ever built.
Marge Simpson : [worried] Mr Kobb, what can we do?
Sebastian Kobb : You just better have a damn good conductor.
[cuts to the monorail where Homer is clattering a metal wire over the monorail door]
Homer : Ohh, I locked my keys in there!
[to Bart]
Homer : Get a rock.
-
[as the monorail speeds out of control]
Krusty the Clown : Krusty wants out!
[He wrenches open the door and starts to drop to his death]
Leonard Nimoy : [pulls him back] No! The world needs laughter.
-
Mayor Quimby : Order! Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance.
Homer : Get to the money!
Mayor Quimby : In a moment. First, let's review the minutes from our last meeting.
Apu : Get to the money!
Rev. Lovejoy : Get to the money!
Grampa Simpson : Get to the moneeey!
Mayor Quimby : Very well. We will now hear suggestions for the disbursement of the $2 million.
Lisa Simpson : Don't you mean $3 million?
Mayor Quimby : ...Of course. How silly of me.
-
Airline Pilot : [over PA] Folks, this is your captain speaking. Our nonstop flight to Tahiti will be making a brief layover in North Haverbrook.
Lyle Lanely : [sitting in first class, sipping a martini] North Haverbrook... where have I heard that name before?
[realizes]
Lyle Lanely : Oh, no... OH, NO!
North Haverbrook Man : [as the plane lands] There he is! Seat 3-F!
[as soon as the plane touches down, a lynch mob rushes on board]
-
Homer : [driving the car with a giant piano strapped to the top, therefore the total weight seriously damaging the road] Whoo-hoo! Look at that pavement fly!
-
TV announcer : Coming soon, it's "Truckasaurus: The Movie", starring Marlon Brando as the voice of John Truckasaurus.
John Truckasaurus : You crazy car, I don't know whether to eat you or kiss you.
[beat]
TV disclaimer : Celebrity voice impersonated.
-
Lyle Lanely : You know, a town with money is a little like the mule with the spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it.
[crowd laughs]
Homer : He heh... mule.
Lyle Lanely : The name's Lanely! Lyle Lanely. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest... Aw, it's not for you. It's more of a Shelbyville idea.
[starts to walk out of the room]
Mayor Quimby : [at the podium] Now wait just a minute! We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville. You just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it!
Lyle Lanely : All right. I'll tell you what I'll do! I'll show you my idea.
[runs over to a display covered by a sheet, and he whips it off, revealing a diorama of Springfield with a monorail model going through it]
Lyle Lanely : I give you the Springfield Monorail!
[crowd gasps]
Lyle Lanely : I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and by gum I've put them on the map!
[holds up a map of the U.S. with those towns' names drawn on with pen]
-
Marge Simpson : Well, I think we should spend the money on something the whole town can be proud of.
Homer : Like a giant billboard that says "No fat chicks"?
Marge Simpson : No.
-
Maude Flanders : Excuse me, we could use the money to hire fireman to finally put out that blaze on the east side of town.
Homer : Boring!
-
[about the $3 million fined from Mr. Burns]
Lisa Simpson : Oh, what a boon it could be for our underfunded public schools.
[in Lisa's fantasy]
Miss Hoover : Children, it's time for your history lesson. Put on your virtual reality helmets.
[the children do]
Genghis Khan : Hmm, excellent... hello, Lisa! I'm Genghis Khan! You'll go where I go, defile what I defile, eat who I eat!
-
[Chief Wiggum and Mayor Quimby are reviewing the town charter]
Chief Wiggum : Hey, according to the charter, as chief constable, I'm supposed to get a pig every month!
[reads]
Chief Wiggum : And "two comely lasses of virtue true".
Mayor Quimby : Keep the pig. How many broads do I get?
[pulls the charter away]
Chief Wiggum : Hey, hey, hey! Let go, you're rippin' it!
Mayor Quimby : No, you are!
Chief Wiggum : No, you are!
Mayor Quimby : Let go; that's the charter!
-
Homer : Ah, Andy Capp, you wife-beating drunk.
-
Marge Simpson : My name is Marge Simpson, and I have an idea. It may sound a little boring at first.
Mayor Quimby : Chat away. I'll just amuse myself with some pornographic playing cards.
