The Simpsons (TV Series)

Marge vs. the Monorail (1993)

Julie Kavner: Marge Simpson, Patty Bouvier, Selma Bouvier

Quotes 

• [Homer can't stop the monorail] 

  Marge : Homer, there's a man here who thinks he can help you.

  Homer : Batman?

  Marge : No, he's a scientist.

  Homer : Batman's a scientist.

  Marge : It's *not* Batman.

• Marge Simpson : [Marge opens a closet in the monorail]  Homer, there's a family of opossums in here!

  Homer : I call the big one Bitey.

• Marge : My name is Marge Simpson and I have an idea. It may sound a little boring at first.

  Mayor Quimby : Chat away. I'll just amuse myself with some pornographic playing cards.

• Homer : Marge, I wanna be a monorail conductor.

  Marge : Homer, no.

  Homer : It's my lifelong dream!

  Marge : Your lifelong dream was to run out onto the field during a baseball game, and you did it last year, remember?

  [Points to a framed newspaper reading "IDIOT RUINS GAME - Springfield forfeits pennant"] 

• Marge : I still thing we should have used the money to fix Main Street.

  Homer : Well, you should have written a song like that guy.

• Lyle Lanely : [begins to chant rhythmically]  Well sir, there's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bona-fide, electrified, six-car monorail! What'd I say?

  [points at Ned Flanders] 

  Ned Flanders : Monorail!

  Lyle Lanely : What's it called?

  Patty Bouvier , Selma Bouvier : Monorail.

  Lyle Lanely : That's right, monorail!

  [runs up to the stage, the crowd begins chanting] 

  Crowd : Monorail. Monorail. Monorail.

  [continues underneath those who speak] 

  Miss Hoover : I hear those things are awfully loud.

  Lyle Lanely : [playing the piano on stage]  It glides as softly as a cloud.

  Apu : Is there a chance the track could bend?

  Lyle Lanely : Not on your life, my Hindu friend.

  Barney Gumble : What about us brain-dead slobs?

  Lyle Lanely : You'll be given cushy jobs.

  Grampa Simpson : Were you sent here by the devil?

  Lyle Lanely : No, good sir, I'm on the level.

  Chief Wiggum : The ring came off my pudding can.

  Lyle Lanely : Take my pen knife, my good man. I swear, it's Springfield's only choice! Throw up your hands and raise your voice!

  Crowd : [singing]  Monorail...

  Lyle Lanely : [speaking]  What's it called?

  Crowd : [singing]  Monorail...

  Lyle Lanely : Once again!

  Crowd : [still singing]  Monoraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaail!

• Marge : And that was the only folly the people of Springfield ever took on... Except for the Popsicle stick skyscraper, and that 50 ft magnifying glass, and the escalator to nowhere.

  [people yelping as they fall off of the escalator] 

• [Homer and Marge discuss the dangers of a monorail] 

  Marge : What if something goes wrong?

  Homer : Pffft... what if. What if I'm taking a shower and I slip on a bar of soap? Oh my god, I'd be killed!

• Sebastian Kobb : [showing Marge North Haverbrook's monorail]  This is all that's left of one of the crappiest trains ever built.

  Marge Simpson : [worried]  Mr Kobb, what can we do?

  Sebastian Kobb : You just better have a damn good conductor.

  [cuts to the monorail where Homer is clattering a metal wire over the monorail door] 

  Homer : Ohh, I locked my keys in there!

  [to Bart] 

  Homer : Get a rock.

• Marge Simpson : Well, I think we should spend the money on something the whole town can be proud of.

  Homer : Like a giant billboard that says "No fat chicks"?

  Marge Simpson : No.

• Marge : But Main Street's still all cracked and broken.

  Bart : Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken!

  Crowd : [heading outside to the front steps while singing]  Monorail... Monorail... Monoraaaaaaaaail! MONORAIL!

  Homer : Mono - D'oh!

• Marge : [at the town meeting]  Ooh, it looks like everyone in Springfield showed up for this.

  [cut to a group of burglars breaking into various houses] 

  Snake : Could this town be any stupider?

• Marge Simpson : My name is Marge Simpson, and I have an idea. It may sound a little boring at first.

  Mayor Quimby : Chat away. I'll just amuse myself with some pornographic playing cards.