- Principal Skinner: Are you the substitute?
- Mr. Bergstrom: Yessir, yes I aim.
- Principal Skinner: Are you insane?
- Mr. Bergstrom: [lowers voice] Uh, no sir, no I'm not. It's my way of getting their attention.
- [for Show-and-Tell, Bart shows a videotape, titled, 'How Kittens are Born: The UGLY story']
- Bart: Oh look, this is really cool. When I hit reverse, I can make them go back in.
- Martin Prince: As your president, I would demand a science-fiction library, featuring an ABC of the genre. Asimov, Bester, Clarke.
- Student: What about Ray Bradbury?
- Martin Prince: I'm aware of his work...
- [despite Bart's runaway popularity during the presidential campaign, he loses the election because only two kids bother to vote]
- Bart: I demand a recount!
- Edna Krabappel: [empties the box] One for Martin. Two for Martin. Would you like another recount?
- Bart: No.
- Edna Krabappel: Well, I just want to make sure. One for Martin, two for Martin.
- [Homer is trying to comfort Lisa after Mr. Bergstrom has left]
- Homer: Oh, this isn't working at all!
- Lisa Simpson: [wanting him gone] Look, if you just want me to forgive you...!
- Homer: No, no! I just wish I knew what to say.
- [he opens Lisa's music box, and a tune begins to play]
- Homer: Although, maybe this music will help. Now, you you lost someone special to you, and it hurts. I'm lucky, because I never lost anyone special to me. Everyone special to me is right under this roof.
- Lisa Simpson: Oh...
- Homer: No, it's true. Now you'll have lots of special people in your life, Lisa. There's probably some place where they all get together and the food is real good, and guys like me are serving drinks.
- Homer: [to Bart] I always knew you had personality. The doctor said it was hyperactivity, but I knew better.
- [Lisa's crying in her room]
- Homer: Are you crying because you called Daddy a baboon?
- Lisa Simpson: No!
- Homer: [aggravated] Nuts!
- Miss Hoover: So, you see, children, my Lyme disease turned out to be...
- [writes it on the board]
- Miss Hoover: Psychosomatic.
- Ralph: Does that mean you went crazy?
- Janey: No, it means she was faking it.
- Miss Hoover: No, actually, it was a little bit of both.
- Marge Simpson: Homer! Did you take care of...
- Homer: Ah-ah-ah. Don't say anything, Marge. Let's just go to bed. Right now I'm on the biggest roll of my life.
- Bart: [after Lisa calls Homer a baboon] Somebody was bound to say it someday, I just can't believe it was her!
- [after hearing about mummies]
- Homer: Ooh, pretty creepy. Still, I'd rather have him chasing me than the Wolf Man.
- Miss Hoover: Children, I won't be staying long. I just came from the doctor, and I have Lyme disease. Principal Skinner will run the class until a substitute arrives.
- Ralph: What's Lyme disease?
- Principal Skinner: I'll field that one.
- [goes to blackboard]
- Principal Skinner: Lyme disease is spread by small parasites called 'ticks'.
- [writes 'TICKS' on blackboard]
- Principal Skinner: When a diseased tick attaches itself to you, it begins sucking your blood...
- Miss Hoover: [not calmed] Oh...
- Principal Skinner: Malignant spirochetes infect your bloodstream, eventually spreading to your spinal fluid and on into the brain.
- Miss Hoover: The brain? Oh, dear God...
- Class: Wow.
- Mr. Bergstrom: And for the record, there were a few Jewish cowboys. Big guys, who were great shots, and spent money freely.
- Lisa Simpson: I guess this is it. If you don't mind, I'll just run alongside the train as it speeds you from my life.
- Lisa Simpson: im glad im not crying cause i would hste for you to think whst im about to say is out of emotion. but you sir are a baboon baboon baboon baboon.