The Simpsons (TV Series)

Lisa's Substitute (1991)

Nancy Cartwright: Bart Simpson, Ralph Wiggum, Anonymous Students

Quotes 

• Bart : [on Lisa]  I knew someone was gonna say it, but I can't believe it was her.

  Homer : Did you hear that, Marge? She called me a baboon. The stupidest, ugliest, smelliest ape of them all!

• [for Show-and-Tell, Bart shows a videotape, titled, 'How Kittens are Born: The UGLY story'] 

  Bart : Oh look, this is really cool. When I hit reverse, I can make them go back in.

• [despite Bart's runaway popularity during the presidential campaign, he loses the election because only two kids bother to vote] 

  Bart : I demand a recount!

  Edna Krabappel : [empties the box]  One for Martin. Two for Martin. Would you like another recount?

  Bart : No.

  Edna Krabappel : Well, I just want to make sure. One for Martin, two for Martin.

• Miss Hoover : So, you see, children, my Lyme disease turned out to be...

  [writes it on the board] 

  Miss Hoover : Psychosomatic.

  Ralph : Does that mean you went crazy?

  Janey : No, it means she was faking it.

  Miss Hoover : No, actually, it was a little bit of both.

• Bart : [after Lisa calls Homer a baboon]  Somebody was bound to say it someday, I just can't believe it was her!

• Miss Hoover : Children, I won't be staying long. I just came from the doctor, and I have Lyme disease. Principal Skinner will run the class until a substitute arrives.

  Ralph : What's Lyme disease?

  Principal Skinner : I'll field that one.

  [goes to blackboard] 

  Principal Skinner : Lyme disease is spread by small parasites called 'ticks'.

  [writes 'TICKS' on blackboard] 

  Principal Skinner : When a diseased tick attaches itself to you, it begins sucking your blood...

  Miss Hoover : [not calmed]  Oh...

  Principal Skinner : Malignant spirochetes infect your bloodstream, eventually spreading to your spinal fluid and on into the brain.

  Miss Hoover : The brain? Oh, dear God...

  Class : Wow.