- Homer Simpson: Now son, on your first day of school, I'd like to pass on the words of advice my father gave me.
- Grampa Simpson: [in Homer's mind, as he remembers] Homer, you're dumb as a mule and twice as ugly! If a strange man offers you a ride, I say, take it!
- Homer Simpson: Lousy traumatic childhood!
- Teacher: And the ugly duckling was amazed to realize it had grown into a beautiful swan. So you see children, there is hope for anyone.
- Bart Simpson: Even me?
- Teacher: No.
- Man in "Twin Peaks": That's damn fine coffee you got here in Twin Peaks. And damn good cherry pie.
- [on TV we see The Giant dancing with a white horse, as a traffic light hangs from a nearby tree]
- Homer Simpson: Brilliant.
- [chuckles]
- Homer Simpson: I have absolutley no idea what's going on.
- Marge Simpson: Homer, I want you to look at this drawing Bart did!
- [presents Homer with a very morbid drawing]
- Homer Simpson: [faking excitement, watching TV] Oh, it's beautiful! Oh, oh, let's put Bart's beautiful drawing up on the fridge!
- Marge Simpson: Homer, stop. Will you please look at the drawing?
- Homer Simpson: Oh, all right. What...
- [looks at drawing]
- Homer Simpson: ...AAAH! Burn it! Send it to hell!
- Marge Simpson: I think we're going to have to get Bart some help.
- Homer Simpson: [cringing] Get it away!
- Bart Simpson: [singing his ABC's] A, B, C, uhh, line?
- Teacher: D
- Bart Simpson: D, E, uhh, line?
- Teacher: F, Bart, and believe me, you'll be seeing plenty of them.
- [meeting with Homer and Marge about Bart's problems in kindergarten]
- Dr. J. Loren Pryor: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, there's nothing to be alarmed about. Public school can be intimidating to a young child, particularly one with as many flamboyantly homosexual tendencies as your son.
- Marge Simpson: Bart's gay?
- Dr. J. Loren Pryor: Bart?
- [looks at the file]
- Dr. J. Loren Pryor: Ah, whoo, wrong file.
- [puts the file, labeled "Milhouse Van Houten," back]
- Marge: There must be something we can do to encourage Lisa's gift. An art class. Ballet lessons. They have fun things to do at the museum on Saturday.
- Homer: Whoa, whoa, Marge. I'm not spending my Saturdays at a museum. Unless... museums don't have foosball do they?
- [in Homer's mind, he's playing against the Statue of David and wins]
- Homer: You lose, Michaelangelo's David! Who's next?
- The Scream: [Edvard Munch's The Scream runs out] MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
- [Bart discovers he can make kids laugh, and puts on a show for the Kindergarteners]
- Bart Simpson: [singing] Skinner is a nut, he has a rubber butt!
- Principal Skinner: [appearing from behind a tree] Young man, I can assure you my posterior is nothing more than flesh, bone, and... that metal plate I got in 'Nam.
- Bart Simpson: [gulps]
- Principal Skinner: Now, I want you to knock off that potty talk right now!
- Bart Simpson: [laughing] The principal said potty!
- [the kids laugh. Skinner shudders in frustration]
- Principal Skinner: You listen to me, son. You just started school, and the path you choose now may be the one you follow for the rest of your life! Now, what did you say?
- Bart Simpson: [looks at Skinner, then at Jimbo. It is his moment of truth] Eat my shorts!
- Principal Skinner: All right, I'll ea... eat your shorts?
- Bart Simpson: That's right, eat my shorts!
- [singing to "Batman" theme]
- Bart Simpson: Buttman! Na na na na na na na na, Buttman!
- Homer Simpson: Our family was suffering its worst crisis ever. Bart was miserable at school, and Lisa's gifts were going to waste.
- Bart Simpson: Uh, Homer, its five years later and I'm still miserable at school.
- Lisa Simpson: And my gifts are still going to waste!
- Marge Simpson: And sometimes I just feel so smothered by this family I just want to scream till my lungs explode!
- Music Store Clerk: Would you like an inscription, sir?
- Homer Simpson: Yes. To Lisa, never forget that your daddy loves -
- [accidentally drops the saxophone]
- Homer Simpson: D'oh!
- Homer Simpson: [in the present] And that inscription is still here today!
- [inscription of flattened saxophone says, "To Lisa, never forget that your daddy loves d'oh!"]
- Homer Simpson: Boy, the way the Bee Gees played...
- Marge: Movies John Travolta made...
- Homer Simpson: Guessing how much Elvis weighed...
- Homer Simpson, Marge: Those were the days!
- Marge: And you knew where you were then...
- Homer Simpson: Watching shows like Gentle Ben...
- Homer Simpson, Marge: Mister, we could use a man like Sheriff Lobo again!
- Homer Simpson: Disco Duck and Fleetwood Mac...
- Marge: Coming out of my eight-track...
- Homer Simpson, Marge: Michael Jackson still was black... those were the days!
- [later on in episode]
- Homer Simpson: Bart was feeling might blue...
- Marge: It's a shame what school can do...
- Apu: For no reason here's Apu!
- Homer Simpson, Marge, Apu: Those were the days!
- Homer Simpson: Oh, my father gave me beer as a child.'Til wrapped my little red wagon around a tree.
- Barney Gumble: [Flashback to Homer and Barney as boys] Let's never drink again.
- Homer Simpson: [Flashback to the present, Homer has a Duff beer in his hand] And we never did.
- [Drinks it]
- Marge Simpson: Well, Grandpa, as long as you're here, we were telling a story that took place when Bart was five, and Lisa was three.
- Grampa Simpson: Oh, I know this story! The year was nineteen-ought-six. The President is the divine Miss Sarah Burnheart. And all over America, people were doin' a dance called the "Funky Grandpa"!
- [sings]
- Grampa Simpson: Oh... I'm... the...
- [falls asleep standing up]
- Marge: You know, Homer, there's $200 in the air conditioning account.
- Homer: Oh Marge! Am I doomed to spend the rest of my life sweating like a pig?
- Bart: Not to mention eating like a pig and dressing like a pig.
- Apu: Don't forget the smell.
- Homer: Will you get off of my lawn?
- Apu: Why don't you make me?
- Homer: Why, you...! Oh, forget it.
- Homer Simpson: Bart son, do you want to play catch?
- Bart Simpson: No.
- Homer Simpson: Oh, when a boy doesn't wanna play catch with his old man, something is seriously wrong.
- Grampa Simpson: I'll play catch with you, son.
- Homer Simpson: Get the hell out!
- Grampa Simpson: I'm gone.
- Principal Skinner: Hello, everybody and welcome to Springfield Elementary. I'm Principal Sinner.
- [realizing his mistake]
- Principal Skinner: Uh, uh, uh Skinner.
- [the children laugh]
- Principal Skinner: Well, that's it. I've lost them forever.
- Marge Simpson: And so, just as things looked their worst...
- Grampa Simpson: I realized I could make money selling my medication to dead-heads!
- Marge Simpson: Grandpa, what are you talking about?
- Grampa Simpson: Ohh... nothing.
- [to the tune of the "All in the Family" theme song]
- Homer Simpson: Bart was feeling mighty blue,
- Marge Simpson: It's asham what school can do,
- Apu: For no reason here's Apu,
- Homer Simpson, Marge Simpson, Apu: Those were the days!
- Bart: Skinner is a nut, he has a rubber butt!
- Principal Skinner: Young man, I can assure you my posterior is nothing more than flesh, bone, and that metal plate I got in 'Nam.