The Simpsons (TV Series)

Lisa's Pony (1991)

Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Groundskeeper Willie, Tattoo, Grampa Simpson

Quotes 

• Bart : Hey, how come Lisa gets a pony?

  Homer : Because she stopped loving me.

  Bart : I don't love you either, so give me a moped.

  Homer : I know you love me, so you don't get squat.

  [laughs] 

• Homer : Moe, gimme a beer quick. I've got five minutes before the music store closes.

  Moe : Why don't you just go there first?

  Homer : Hey, I don't tell you how to do *your* job.

  Moe : Sorry, Homer.

  Homer : You know, if you tip the glass, you won't get so much foam on top.

  Moe : Sorry, Homer.

• Homer : Look, Lisa, grown ups have a thing called money.

• [Homer goes to the plant credit union to get a loan to buy Lisa a pony] 

  Homer : Uh, I'd like to borrow $5,000.

  Bank Clerk : Sorry, I can't approve a loan that size myself.

  [she walks off; Mr. Burns and Smithers appear] 

  Mr. Burns : Hello.

  Homer : Aah!

  Mr. Burns : Simpson, eh? How can I help you?

  Homer : Mr. Burns, you do this personally?

  Mr. Burns : Oh, it's a hobby. I'm not in this for any personal gain, heavens no! By the way, are you acquainted with our state's stringent usury laws?

  Homer : Us-ury?

  Mr. Burns : Oh, silly me! I must have just made up a word that doesn't exist. Now, what is the purpose of this loan?

  Homer : I want to buy a pony.

  Mr. Burns : Isn't that cute! Smithers, he's planning on joining the horsey set!

  [lowers voice] 

  Mr. Burns : That is it, isn't it? You're not planning to eat it?

  Homer : No, I need to get it for my little girl because she doesn't love me any more...

  Smithers : Shut up, Simpson.

  Homer : Sorry.

  Smithers : Do you have any collateral?

  Mr. Burns : Oh Smithers, let's not be so cold. His spirit is my collateral. Just sign this form, and the money will be yours.

  Mr. Burns : [as Homer begins to sign, Burns starts laughing evilly] 

  Mr. Burns : Sorry, I was just, um, thinking of something funny Smithers did today.

  Smithers : I didn't do anything funny, sir.

  Mr. Burns : [whispering]  Shut up!

• Marge : We can't afford to buy a pony.

  Homer : Marge, with today's gasoline prices, we can't afford not to buy a pony.

• Apu : Homer, you are asleep at your post! No go change the expiration dates on the dairy products.

  Homer : Yes, sir.

• Marge Simpson : [looking at expenses]  Ohhh dear, we're in serious trouble here. We're just gonna have to cut down on luxuries.

  Homer : Well, you know, we're always buying Maggie vaccinations for diseases she doesn't even have.

  Marge Simpson : Actually, I was thinking we could cut down on your beer.

  Homer : Nah, we're not gonna be doing that.

• [Homer has to buy Lisa a pony] 

  Millicent : Our ponies start at five thousand dollars, cash.

  Homer : Isn't there like a pound where you can pick up cheap ponies that ran away from home?

  Millicent : I sincerely hope not!

• [Homer bought Lisa a pony after Marge told him not to] 

  Marge : I am very upset with you.

  Homer : Sounds like someone's angling for a pony of her own.

• Homer : Homer sleep now.

• Homer : Excuse me, do you sell ponies?

  Pet Shop Owner : [leaning on a sign that says: "You pet it. You bought it."]  Uhh... sure, pal. *Right* here.

  [motions to a glass cage] 

  Homer : [reads sign]  Scot-tish deer hound. Hey, this is a dog!

  Pet Shop Owner : Ooh, my friend, you're smarter than I gave you credit for! I suggest you try the *pony* farm on Route 401. Merely take a left at the rendering plant.

• Grampa : [playing Bart's video game]  What do I do? What do I do?

  Bart : If you want to go right, move the joystick left.

  Grampa : Yes. Move the - What's a joystick?

  Bart : Oh! Here comes a Xylon cruiser! Go into hyperspace!

  Grampa : Wait! Where's the hyperspace?

  Bart : Grandpa, you're the spaceship.

  Grampa : I thought I was this guy.

  [spaceship crashes] 

  Grampa : Oh! Oh! Game's over. I got down on the floor for this?

• Apu : You're hired.

  Homer : Whoo hoo!

  Apu : Always I dreamed the day would come when one of you would be working for me.

• Homer : Marge, Lisa loves me. The pony stays.

  Marge : Alright. You got us into this, you get us out.

  Homer : Fine, I will. There's plenty of money out there for a guy who's willing to work for it.

  [guzzles beer] 

  Homer : Do you have any jewelry you don't need any more?

  Marge : [groans angrily]  Hmmmmm.

• Irish Judge : [while listening to the cacophony of Lisa's off-key, broken sax performance]  Ehh, sounds like that gopher I caught in me lawnmower.

  Homer : [upon hearing it while running thru the hallway]  Eww, I'd hate to be that kid's father.

  [walks into school auditorium late and gasps when he sees that it's his daughter] 

  Homer : Uh oh.

• Homer : [after working for nearly 22 hours, speaking to Marge in a separate room]  I'll work from midnight to eight, come home, sleep for five minutes, eat breakfast, sleep six more minutes, shower, then I have ten minutes to bask in Lisa's love, then I'm off to the power plant, fresh as a daisy.

  Bart : [Sitting at the breakfast table with Maggie and Lisa, hearing a loud thud as Homer collapses from exhaustion]  Oh my God, she killed him!