- Homer: Dig him up. Dig up that corpse. If you really love Jebediah Springfield, you'll haul his bones out of the ground to prove my daughter wrong. Dig up his grave. Pull out his tongue.
- Mayor Quimby: Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?
- Mrs. Krabappel: Embiggens? I never heard that word before moving to Spingfield.
- Miss Hoover: I don't know why, it's a perfectly cromulent word.
- Hollis Hurlbut: Now get out. You're banned from this historical society. You and your children, and your children's children... for three months.
- [George Washington appears in Lisa's dream, urging her to reveal the truth about the town's founder. Lisa wakes up yelling]
- Lisa: Oh, let me help you, George Washington! I still want to help you!
- Bart: [walking by her room] "I want to help you... George Washington"?
- [scoffs]
- Bart: Even your dreams are square.
- Moe Szyslak: Awww, the little cutie wants to do something cute.
- Barney Gumble: Oh...
- Moe Szyslak: Shut up you bums! Shut up!
- [to the patrons]
- Moe Szyslak: Go ahead, angel.
- Lisa: Jebediah Springfield was nothing more than an evil blood-thirsty pirate who hated this town!
- Moe Szyslak: Good God! Ah, Homer, you know I support, ah, most any prejudice you can name, but your hero phobia sickens me.
- Miss Hoover: Lisa, a-hem, for your essay... Jebediah Springfield: Super Fraud, F.
- Lisa: But it's all true.
- Miss Hoover: Agh, this is nothing more than dead white male bashing from a PC thug. It's women like you who keep the rest of us from landing a husband!
- Ralph Wiggum: Can you open my milk, Mommy?
- Miss Hoover: I'm not Mommy, Ralph. I'm Miss Hoover.
- [the class laugh at Ralph]
- Hollis Hurlbut: Why didn't you tell them?
- Lisa Simpson: Because the myth of Jebediah has value too. It's brought out the best in everyone in this town. Regardless of who said it, "A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man".
- Mayor Quimby: Congratulations Ned, you are our new town crier. May your shrill, nasal voice ring throughout our streets and brains.
- Ned Flanders: Thankily-dank, Mayor, I shan't disappoint. Har ye, har ye. I declare myself pinkled tink about Springfield's Bicen-cidilly-ti-ten-toodly-rin-tin-tennial Day.
- Homer: You suck-diddily-uck, Flanders. Gimme that.
- [Grabs the bell from him]
- Homer: Hear ye. Hear ye. Ye olde town crier proclaimed crappy by all. Chooseth Homer Simpson, and he shalt rock thy world.
- Chief Wiggum: Good God, he is fabulous.
- Principal Skinner: He's embiggened that role with that cromulent performance.
- Betsy Ross: [Interrupting the fight between Washington and Jebediah Springfield] I got the white stars you wanted but not the red hearts, yellow moons, and or green clovers.
- George Washington: Well... I'll use it. But I'm not *paying* for it!
- Hollis Hurlbut: And here is his fife; upon which he sounded the sweet note of freedom. His hatchet with which he hacked at the chains of oppression. And his... chamber pot.
- Lisa: I hope you know you're sponsoring a celebration for a murderous pirate.
- Long John Silver's Representative: A pirate? Well, that's hardly the image we want for Long John Silver's!
- Homer: Hear ye, hear ye! The Homer Broadcasting System is on the air! All hollering, all the time! I'm going to...
- Mayor Quimby: You're going to restrict your criering to the parade and selected pre-approved publicity events!
- Homer: [meekly] Okay.
- Principal Skinner: Now, as you all know, Springfield's 200th birthday is only a week away. Every class will do its part to make our local bicentennial just as memorable as our national bicentennial. Of course, you children are too young to remember that, with the possible exception of Kearney.
- Kearney: [shaving] Those tall ships really lifted the nation's spirits after Watergate.
- Chief Wiggum: Oh my God! Jebediah's body has been replaced with a skeleton!
- Hollis Hurlbut: No, that's the skeleton *of* Jebediah.
- Ned Flanders: [marching in the parade] Well, hey, it's Homer. Good to see you, neigh...
- Homer: [shoving him away and taking his bell] Get lost. Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye!
- Helen Lovejoy: He is not the official town crier! Police, do something!
- Chief Wiggum: Well, I'd like to, ma'am, but he's too damn good. Let him march, boys. Let the man march!