The Simpsons (TV Series)

Like Father, Like Clown (1991)

Nancy Cartwright: Bart Simpson, Mother

Quotes 

• Bart : We came to talk to you about your son.

  Rabbi Hyman Krustofski : I have no son!

  [slams the door in their faces] 

  Bart : Oh, great. We came all this way and it's the wrong guy.

  [opens the door] 

  Rabbi Hyman Krustofski : I didn't mean that literally.

• Lisa : We've been going about this all wrong, Bart. What's the one thing Rabbis prize above everything else?

  Bart : Those stupid hats?

  Lisa : No, Bart, knowledge. We're gonna hit him where it hurts. Right in the Judaica.

• Homer : Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps.

  Bart : Don't worry, I don't even like using the bathroom after you.

  Homer : Why you little...

• Man Seeking Advice #1 : Reb Krustofsky, should I finish college?

  Rabbi Hyman Krustofski : Yes. No one is poor except he who lacks knowledge.

  Mother : Rabbi, should I have another child?

  Rabbi Hyman Krustofski : Yes. Another child would be a blessing on your house.

  Man Seeking Advice #2 : Rabbi, should I buy a Chrysler?

  Rabbi Hyman Krustofski : Could you rephrase that as an ethical question?

  Man Seeking Advice #2 : Um... is it right to buy a Chrysler?

  Rabbi Hyman Krustofski : Oh, yes. For great is the car with power steering and dyna-flow suspension.

• Krusty the Clown : [Krusty is telling the Simpsons the story of how he became estranged from his father, Rabbi Krustofski when he was the entertainer at a rabbi's convention]  My father would have never suspected a thing if it were not for one rowdy Rabbi.

  Rowdy Rabbi : [a Rabbi in the audience stands up with a bottle full of Seltzer]  Hey, funny man!

  Krusty the Clown : No, no, no!

  [the Rabbi sprays Krusty washing off his clown makeup unmasking him to the audience] 

  Rabbi Hyman Krustofski : [recognising his son]  Herschel? Herschel! Oy, vei is mir! You have brought shame on our family. Oh, if you were a musician or a jazz singer this I could forgive but... but, but this. I never want to see you again you, you... clown!

  [Krusty walks off the stage in tears] 

  Krusty the Clown : And I haven't seen my father since.

  Lisa : That is so sad.

  Bart : Krusty, do you think about your father a lot?

  Krusty the Clown : All the time. Except when I'm at the track. Then it's all business.

• Bart : [Yawns]  Rabbi, did not a great man say, and I quote 'The Jews are a swinging bunch of people. I mean, I've heard of persecution, but what they went through is ridiculous. But the great thing is, after thousands of years of waiting and holding on and fighting, they finally made it.' End quote.

  Rabbi Hyman Krustofski : Oh, I never heard the plight of my people phrased so eloquently. Who said that? Rabbi Hillel?

  Bart : No.

  Rabbi Hyman Krustofski : It was Judah the Prince?

  Bart : No.

  Rabbi Hyman Krustofski : Maimonides?

  Bart : No.

  Rabbi Hyman Krustofski : Oh, I got it! The Dead Sea Scrolls!

  Bart : I'm afraid not, Rabbi. It's from Yes, I Can, by Sammy Davis Jr. An entertainer, like your son.

  Rabbi Hyman Krustofski : [Gasps]  The Candy Man? If a performer could think that way, maybe I'm completely upside down on this whole problem. Oh, all the years of joy that I've lost! Why? Because of my stubborn ways...

  [Begins to cry] 

  Lisa : There there, Rabbi. It's not too late.

• Rabbi Hyman Krustofski : You I told to go away!

  Bart : But-but-but-but Rabbi! Is it not written in the Babylonian Talmud, and I quote, "a child should be pushed aside with the left hand, and drawn closer with the right"?

  Rabbi Hyman Krustofski : Yes...

  Bart : Then doesn't your religion command you to make up with Krusty?

  Rabbi Hyman Krustofski : But in Exodus, the Fifth Commandment says, "Honor thy father and thy mother." End of story.

• Bart : Dear Krusty, this is Bart Simpson, Krusty Buddy #16302 , respectfully returning his badge. I always suspected that nothing in life mattered. Now I know for sure. Get bent. Bart Simpson.

• [Bart is sitting in a sauna with a group of rabbis in towels] 

  Bart : "At all times let a man be supple as a reed, and not rigid as a cedar."

  [the other rabbis murmur approvingly] 

  Rabbi Hyman Krustofski : But, my short, learned friend, the Book of Joshua says, "Ye shall meditate on the Torah all day and all night."

  [the other rabbis murmur approvingly again] 

• [after being dressed in a miniature rabbi's costume] 

  Bart : Yiddle, my man, you're a genius.

  Yiddle : I love my work.

• Waitress : Are you kids ready to order now?

  Bart : No, but we would like another bowl of complimentary pickles.

  Waitress : [impatiently]  Watch how fast I go.

  [to Rabbi Krustofski] 

  Waitress : And for you, sir?

  Rabbi Hyman Krustofski : Well, I want a good sandwich. But the Joey Bishop? Too fatty. The Jackie Mason? I don't know. Sauerkraut makes me gassy. The Bruce Willis? I don't even like his work. And what's this, a Krusty the Clown?

  Waitress : That's ham, sausage and bacon with a smidge of mayo.

  Rabbi Hyman Krustofski : What?

  Waitress : On white bread.

  Rabbi Hyman Krustofski : Listen, you tell Mr. Saul Bellows, the Nobel-winning Jewish novelist, that I've lost my appetite!

• Bart : Oy, this guy's tough.

• [Bart appears at a meeting of rabbis, dressed in a miniature rabbi's costume] 

  Bart : Speaking of charity, Rabbi Krustofsky, don't you think it's time you forgave your son?

  Rabbi Hyman Krustofski : Don't you understand that my boy broke my heart? He turned his back on our faith, and our traditions, and on me! Get out of here, you little pisher!