- [Homer rides into the derby arena on a trouble-making donkey]
- Derby Announcer 1: A man on a donkey! Never in my six weeks on the job have I seen the likes of this!
- [the donkey stops, exhausted]
- Homer: [Like Pop-Eye] Eh, looks like I need fuel for me mule; gas for me ass
- [chuckles]
- Marge: [to Homer] I am not going to make you another spare rib smoothie. Most people with their jaws wired shut don't gain weight.
- Homer: I was just telling all the guys how losing the power of speech made me a better man.
- Lindsay Naegle: I couldn't agree more. You're today's modern, enlightened man; the kind we television producers have been booking since the mid-'70s.
- Carl: Hey, what are you doin' in here?
- Lindsay Naegle: I'm an alcoholic. Homer, will you appear on my show?
- Homer: Sure thing, Alky.
- Duffman: Hey, Duff lovers! Does anyone in this bar love Duff?
- Carl: Hey, it's Duffman.
- Lenny: Newsweek said you died of liver failure.
- Duffman: Duffman can never die. Only the actors who play him.
- [thrusting his hips]
- Duffman: Oh, yeah!
- Moe Szyslak: Ah, you must be here for the, uh, Duff trivia challenge.
- Duffman: That's right, local distributor. One of you could win a lifetime supply of Duff.
- [one of his bikini girls hands him an envelope]
- Duffman: Okay, chug-monkeys. "What beverage brewed since ancient times is made from hops and grains?"
- Lenny: How about "Ancient Hop Grain Juice"?
- Homer: [trying to speak] Beer! Beer! Beer!
- Moe Szyslak: Wait, wait, wait. Homer's trying to make a guess.
- Homer: Beer! Beer! Beer!
- Moe Szyslak: [Homer turns on one of his taps] What are you doing? You're getting some kind of booze all over me.
- [Homer wails in despair]
- Duffman: [blowing an air horn] Time's up. The answer is... "beer." Ooh, Duff luck.
- Carl: I never would have figured that out.
- Lenny: That's the kind of thing you just gotta know.
- [Homer sobs into his hands]
- Joy: Homelah, it's easy to change, but what's hard is not changing back.
- Barbara: Do you promise not to revive your "weckless, weckless" ways?
- Homer: I don't know. The demolition derby is next month.
- Marge: Please, Homie. No more craziness, for me?
- Homer: Well, okay. For you, I'll be as dull as Dilbert.
- Barbara: Very good. Our next topic, "My son still wets the bed."
- Milhouse: [entering with his mother] You told me we were going to Red Lobster!
- Homer: [seeing Lisa come home in a fit, he writes on his chalkboard] What's wrong?
- Lisa: [surprised] You wanna know what happened?
- Homer: [writing] Yes.
- Lisa: Really?
- Homer: [erasing and re-writing] Yes.
- Lisa: We were playing four square, and I called no double taps, and Ralph double-taps. And I said, "You're out." And he says
- [imitating Ralph]
- Lisa: "I can do a sum-ber-salt." Which has nothing to do with anything.
- Homer: [thinking as he hugs her] Aw, maybe a hug will cork her cry-hole.
- Homer: [seeing a gay pride parade float called "Fab Abs"] Aw, look at those abs. Everyone here has a six-pack, and I'm the only one with a keg.
- [he lifts up his shirt]
- Horrified Man: Oh, God, cover up!
- Waylon Smithers: [in a gay pride parade float called "Stayin' in the Closet"] We're gay! We're glad!
- Patty Bouvier: But don't tell mom and dad!
- Marge: Wouldn't it be great if that man and woman got together?
- Lisa: [seeing a "movie star scramble" game at the theater] These are so easy. It's obviously Tom Hanks.
- [seeing the answer is Otm Shank]
- Lisa: Who?
- Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Otm Shank. He is India's answer to Brian Dennehy.
- Dr. Hibbert: Homer, you've suffered a broken jaw.
- Homer: [muffled] Broken jaw? Oh!
- Dr. Hibbert: [chuckling] He won't be able to talk for quite some time. I've wired his jaw shut. It's all explained in this pamphlet.
- Marge: [dismayed] "So Your Life is Ruined.
- [flipping through it]
- Marge: Oh, dear, you can't eat solid foods. Those are his favorite.
- Homer: I can't eat solid food?
- Marge: [he runs over and straps himself into a contraption labeled "Suicide Machine"] Stop it, Homer!
- Dr. Hibbert: Oh, don't worry. On a man his size, that just provides sexual release.
- [shrugging Marge off, Homer sticks the needle in his arm and injects the drugs, moaning in erotic satisfaction]
- Barbara: Well, Marge told us, when you didn't listen, it led to reckless, criminal behavior.
- Marge: He did such crazy things. Roll the clip.
- Homer: [at a cookout] Ostrich burgers! Get your ostrich burgers!
- Lenny: I'll take one.
- Homer: Okay, you pick one out and I'll punch it to death.
- Lenny: [thinking] Hmm...
- Homer: [going to the bird Lenny indicates] Hey, there, little sweet...
- [he punches it in the stomach; in retaliation, it wraps its neck around his and kicks him in the stomach]
- Homer: Oh, dude, I thought we were friends!
- Mayor Quimby: And so, for helping to K.O. litter in our community, I hereby dedicate this statue of Drederick Tatum.
- Drederick Tatum: [applause] Litter is my most treacherous foe. I would like to eat its children.
- Homer: [running away from movie ushers] So long, suckers!
- [not looking where he's going, he runs into the statue's outstretched fist]
- Homer: [in pain] Oh... my mouth! My beautiful mouth.
- Drederick Tatum: [patting the statue's other arm] Excellent bout. Now we go party.
- Dr. Hibbert: [removing Homer's jaw wires] Whew! Homer, your breath smells terrible. I'll have to take off my shoes to cover the odor.
- Homer: [he does so] Nicely done.
- Homer: And when I couldn't talk, I learned to listen. I learned so much about my family. You'd be surprised how much you hear if you just listen once in a while.
- Lenny: Really? Let's try it.
- Moe Szyslak: [after a moment of silence, from another room] Hello? Yeah, I'd like to arrange, uh, for an escort, please. To where? How about "Orgasmville"?
- Marge: [returning home from the store] Hm! All clean, just the way I left it.
- Homer: [in the family room] I'm gonna kill you!
- Marge: Well, so much for the new Homer.
- [going to check, nothing's wrong]
- Marge: What's going on?
- Bart: We're rehearsing a play.
- Homer: Yes, and I was merely reading the title, "I'm Gonna Kill You."
- Marge: Oh. It's just a false alarm.
- Homer: Yep. Nothing to get excited about.
- Marge: Well, I'll be in the kitchen if you need me.
- Homer: [continuing as she leaves] Professor Van Doren, so good to see you.
- Professor Van Doren: [entering] Ah, rehearsing a play, I see.
- Marge: A formal. The one place you can wear a tiara and not look crazy.
- Homer: Uh-huh.
- Montgomery Burns: So, how are we enjoying the festivities?
- Homer: [writing on his chalkboard] So hungry.
- Montgomery Burns: Yes, the music is from southern Hungary. That's quite an ear.
- [giving him two handfuls of cash]
- Montgomery Burns: Have some money.
- Marge: This has been one of the most magical evenings of my life.
- Homer: I'm... horny.
- Marge: I don't know what you said, but I'm sure it was beautiful. Oh, Homer, this is the kind of night I thought we could never have together; incident-free.
- Homer: [shaking off the donkey from the previous year, who gestures that a cake is waiting for them] Mm-mm.
- [the donkey leaves, braying in disappointment]
- Dr. Hibbert: [dancing with his wife] Oh, Homer, drop by my office tomorrow and I can remove those jaw wires. You'll be just the way you used to be.
- [Marge gasps]
- Dr. Hibbert: [dancing over to Rev. Lovejoy] And, Reverend, I'll put in those pec implants on Thursday.
- Reverend Lovejoy: Super.
- Marge: You know, tomorrow is the Annual Springfield Formal Event. We weren't going to go after last year's... unpleasantness.
- [indicating a newspaper front page of a drunk Homer riding a donkey, crashing into a cake, under the headline "Local man ruins everything"]
- Marge: That donkey is such a bad influence on you. But breaking your jaw has made you so sweet, maybe we can go.
- Homer: [nodding] Mm-hmm.
- Marge: [he smiles] Mmm, I better polish those jaw wires for tomorrow.
- [as she does so, he sighs contentedly and taps his foot like Thumper from "Bambi"]
- Marge: [with his jaw wired shut, Homer uses a mini chalkboard to communicate] Hmm. "How was your day?" Do you really wanna know?
- Homer: [nodding] Uh-huh.
- Marge: Well, let's see... I was in the kitchen counting the corncobs on the curtains...
- Homer: Uh-huh.
- Marge: ...when who should ring the doorbell but Ned Flanders.
- [giggling as he writes "D'oh!" and does the accompanying head gesture]
- Marge: It seems he wants to ban culottes in the school.
- [Homer growls in anger]
- Marge: Pardon my French, but sometimes that man's a goofy-doofy.
- Homer: [thinking] Marge thinks Flanders is annoying. This marriage just got interesting.