The Simpsons (TV Series)

Jaws Wired Shut (2002)

Julie Kavner: Marge Simpson, Patty Bouvier

Quotes 

• [the Simpsons are buying tickets to a PG-13 movie] 

  Lisa : Mom, why is this movie rated PG-13?

  Marge : [reading pamphlet]  It says it may contain brief rudeness, adult explosions, and scenes with Garry Shandling.

  [Bart and Lisa shudder] 

• Marge : [to Homer]  I am not going to make you another spare rib smoothie. Most people with their jaws wired shut don't gain weight.

• Marge : [Marge has entered a demolition derby]  Don't hit me! I'm not like you people, I'm loved!

• Marge : Homer, you're going to get into trouble.

  Homer : I'm not scared of those ushers. What are they going to do, advance on me?

• Joy : Homelah, it's easy to change, but what's hard is not changing back.

  Barbara : Do you promise not to revive your "weckless, weckless" ways?

  Homer : I don't know. The demolition derby is next month.

  Marge : Please, Homie. No more craziness, for me?

  Homer : Well, okay. For you, I'll be as dull as Dilbert.

  Barbara : Very good. Our next topic, "My son still wets the bed."

  Milhouse : [entering with his mother]  You told me we were going to Red Lobster!

• Waylon Smithers : [in a gay pride parade float called "Stayin' in the Closet"]  We're gay! We're glad!

  Patty Bouvier : But don't tell mom and dad!

  Marge : Wouldn't it be great if that man and woman got together?

• Dr. Hibbert : Homer, you've suffered a broken jaw.

  Homer : [muffled]  Broken jaw? Oh!

  Dr. Hibbert : [chuckling]  He won't be able to talk for quite some time. I've wired his jaw shut. It's all explained in this pamphlet.

  Marge : [dismayed]  "So Your Life is Ruined.

  [flipping through it] 

  Marge : Oh, dear, you can't eat solid foods. Those are his favorite.

  Homer : I can't eat solid food?

  Marge : [he runs over and straps himself into a contraption labeled "Suicide Machine"]  Stop it, Homer!

  Dr. Hibbert : Oh, don't worry. On a man his size, that just provides sexual release.

  [shrugging Marge off, Homer sticks the needle in his arm and injects the drugs, moaning in erotic satisfaction] 

• Barbara : Well, Marge told us, when you didn't listen, it led to reckless, criminal behavior.

  Marge : He did such crazy things. Roll the clip.

  Homer : [at a cookout]  Ostrich burgers! Get your ostrich burgers!

  Lenny : I'll take one.

  Homer : Okay, you pick one out and I'll punch it to death.

  Lenny : [thinking]  Hmm...

  Homer : [going to the bird Lenny indicates]  Hey, there, little sweet...

  [he punches it in the stomach; in retaliation, it wraps its neck around his and kicks him in the stomach] 

  Homer : Oh, dude, I thought we were friends!

• Marge : [returning home from the store]  Hm! All clean, just the way I left it.

  Homer : [in the family room]  I'm gonna kill you!

  Marge : Well, so much for the new Homer.

  [going to check, nothing's wrong] 

  Marge : What's going on?

  Bart : We're rehearsing a play.

  Homer : Yes, and I was merely reading the title, "I'm Gonna Kill You."

  Marge : Oh. It's just a false alarm.

  Homer : Yep. Nothing to get excited about.

  Marge : Well, I'll be in the kitchen if you need me.

  Homer : [continuing as she leaves]  Professor Van Doren, so good to see you.

  Professor Van Doren : [entering]  Ah, rehearsing a play, I see.

• Barbara : Marge, what was Homer like before he broke his jaw?

  Marge : Well, he would eat all the time. We'd be making love and he'd have a mouthful of Hersey's miniatures.

  Homer : [ashamed]  Krackle was my favorite.

• Marge : A formal. The one place you can wear a tiara and not look crazy.

  Homer : Uh-huh.

  Montgomery Burns : So, how are we enjoying the festivities?

  Homer : [writing on his chalkboard]  So hungry.

  Montgomery Burns : Yes, the music is from southern Hungary. That's quite an ear.

  [giving him two handfuls of cash] 

  Montgomery Burns : Have some money.

• Marge : This has been one of the most magical evenings of my life.

  Homer : I'm... horny.

  Marge : I don't know what you said, but I'm sure it was beautiful. Oh, Homer, this is the kind of night I thought we could never have together; incident-free.

  Homer : [shaking off the donkey from the previous year, who gestures that a cake is waiting for them]  Mm-mm.

  [the donkey leaves, braying in disappointment] 

  Dr. Hibbert : [dancing with his wife]  Oh, Homer, drop by my office tomorrow and I can remove those jaw wires. You'll be just the way you used to be.

  [Marge gasps] 

  Dr. Hibbert : [dancing over to Rev. Lovejoy]  And, Reverend, I'll put in those pec implants on Thursday.

  Reverend Lovejoy : Super.

• Marge : You know, tomorrow is the Annual Springfield Formal Event. We weren't going to go after last year's... unpleasantness.

  [indicating a newspaper front page of a drunk Homer riding a donkey, crashing into a cake, under the headline "Local man ruins everything"] 

  Marge : That donkey is such a bad influence on you. But breaking your jaw has made you so sweet, maybe we can go.

  Homer : [nodding]  Mm-hmm.

  Marge : [he smiles]  Mmm, I better polish those jaw wires for tomorrow.

  [as she does so, he sighs contentedly and taps his foot like Thumper from "Bambi"] 

• Marge : [with his jaw wired shut, Homer uses a mini chalkboard to communicate]  Hmm. "How was your day?" Do you really wanna know?

  Homer : [nodding]  Uh-huh.

  Marge : Well, let's see... I was in the kitchen counting the corncobs on the curtains...

  Homer : Uh-huh.

  Marge : ...when who should ring the doorbell but Ned Flanders.

  [giggling as he writes "D'oh!" and does the accompanying head gesture] 

  Marge : It seems he wants to ban culottes in the school.

  [Homer growls in anger] 

  Marge : Pardon my French, but sometimes that man's a goofy-doofy.

  Homer : [thinking]  Marge thinks Flanders is annoying. This marriage just got interesting.