The Simpsons (TV Series)

Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie (1992)

Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Scotty, Grampa, Groundskeeper Willie, Santa's Little Helper, Hiccupping Man, Al Capone, Itchy, Man in Queue

Quotes 

• Marge : Do you want your son to become Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper?

  Homer : Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?

  Marge : Earl Warren wasn't a stripper!

  Homer : *Now* who's being naive?

• Marge : Now be good for Grampa while we're at the parent-teacher meeting. We'll bring back dinner.

  Lisa : What are we gonna have?

  Homer : Well, that depends on what your teachers say. If you've been good, pizza. If you've been bad... uh... let's see... poison.

  Lisa : What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad?

  Bart : Poison pizza.

  Homer : Oh, no. I'm not making two stops.

• Homer : I know my punishment may seem harsh, but I can't go back on it. You're welcome to watch anything you want on TV.

  Bart : TV sucks.

  Homer : [with restrained anger]  I know you're upset right now, so I'll pretend you didn't say that!

• Grampa : Look what your bad egg of a son did to my teeth!

  Homer : [rolling eyes]  Dad, you and your stories. "Bart broke my teeth," "The nurses are stealing my money," "This thing on my neck is getting bigger."

• Homer : If you don't start making more sense, we're going to have to put you in a home.

  Grampa : You already put me in a home.

  Homer : Then we'll put you in the crooked home we saw on 60 Minutes.

  Grampa : [cowering]  I'll be good.

• Homer : You know, when I was a boy I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. The doctor thought I might have brain damage.

  Bart : Dad, what's the point of this story?

  Homer : I like stories.

• Homer : Now, what were we talking about, boy?

  Bart : Uhhhh... we were talking about the time you beat jury duty.

  Homer : Oh, yeah. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

• Homer : [Bart has broken Grandpa's dentures]  Young man, since you broke Grandpa's teeth, he gets to break yours.

  Grampa : Oh, this is gonna be sweet.

• Homer : Well, I've always been a firm believer in the three R's. Reading TV Guide, um... Writing to TV Guide, um... and Renewing TV Guide.

• Marge : Homer, we'd like to talk to you.

  Homer : But then I won't be watching TV. You can see the bind I'm in.

• [as punishment for letting Maggie wander off, Homer decrees that Bart can never go to the "Itchy & Scratchy Movie."] 

  Bart : Dad, you gotta let me see that movie! Can't you just give me a spanking?

  [drops his pants, turns around, and bends over] 

  Bart : Come on, go nuts!

  Homer : Don't point that thing at me!

• [on the bridge of the Enterprise, everyone is well past their prime] 

  Cpt. Kirk : Captain's log, Stardate 6051. Had trouble sleeping last night. My hiatal hernia is acting up. The ship is drafty and damp. I complain, but nobody listens.

  Announcer : "Star Trek XII: So Very Tired"... see the original cast in the latest and greatest adventure!

  [three Birds of Prey confront the Enterprise] 

  Sulu : Captain, Klingons off the starboard bow.

  Cpt. Kirk : [exasperated]  Again with the Klingons.

  [activates communicator] 

  Cpt. Kirk : Mr. Scott, give me full power.

  [in the engine room] 

  Scotty : It's no good, captain.

  [Scotty is too fat reach the engineering computer] 

  Scotty : I ca'not reach the control panel!

• [last lines] 

  Homer : Which one's the mouse?

  Bart : Itchy.

  Homer : Itchy's a jerk.

  Bart : [chuckles]  Yeah.