The Simpsons (TV Series)

Homer's Enemy (1997)

Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Barney Gumble

Photos 

Quotes 

• Frank Grimes : God! I've had to work hard every day of my life and what do I have to show for it? This briefcase and this haircut! And what do you have to show for your lifetime of sloth and ignorance?

  Homer : [Stares blankly]  What?

  Frank Grimes : [Enraged]  E - Everything! A dreamhouse, two cars, a beautiful wife, a son who owns a factory, fancy clothes and...

  [sniffs] 

  Frank Grimes : lobsters for dinner! And do you deserve any of it? NO!

  Homer : [Gets worried and gasps]  What are you saying?

  Frank Grimes : I'm saying you're what's wrong with America, Simpson. You coast through life, you do as little as possible, and you leech off decent, hardworking people like me. Ha! If you lived in any other country in the world, you'd have starved to death long ago.

  Bart : He's got you there, dad.

  Frank Grimes : You're a fraud! A total fraud.

  [to the family] 

  Frank Grimes : It was nice meeting you.

• Carl : [after Homer wins a contest, much to Grimes' shock]  Way to go, Homer!

  Lenny : You're number one, Homer!

  Frank Grimes : But this was a contest for CHILDREN!

  Lenny : Yeah! And Homer beat their brains out!

  Frank Grimes : [the audience applauds and he runs up in front of them]  I can't stand it anymore, this whole plant is insane! INSANE I TELL YOU!

  [Holds his head and screams a few times as he loses his mind, then runs out to a random coworker] 

  Frank Grimes : I can be lazy, too. Look at me! I am a worthless employee, just like Homer Simpson! Give me a promotion!

  [Heads to a box of donuts] 

  Frank Grimes : Oh, I eat like a slob, but nobody minds...

  [Loudly gobbles a bit of the donuts, then heads into the restroom] 

  Frank Grimes : I'm peeing on the seat, give me a raise! Now I'm returning to work without washing my hands, *but* it doesn't matter, because *I'm* Homer Simpson!

  [Heads to Homer's workstation and sits down in his chair and spins around on it] 

  Frank Grimes : I don't need to do my work, cause someone else will do it for me! D'oh, D'oh, D'oh!

  Homer : You okay, Grimey?

  Frank Grimes : I'm better than okay, I'm Homer Simpson.

  Homer : Ha! You wish!

  Frank Grimes : [to Mr. Burns]  Oh, hey, Mr. Burns. I'm the worst worker in the world. Time to go home to my mansion and eat my lobster!

  [sees a pair of big electrical wires] 

  Frank Grimes : Oh what's this? "Extremely high voltage." Well, I don't need safety gloves, because I'm Homer Simp...

  [Grabs the wires and gets severely electrocuted and dies as the others cringe upon seeing that] 

• Frank Grimes : [Referring to the Simpsons' house, speechless]  Good heavens! This... This is a palace! How in... How in the world can you afford to live in a house like this, Simpson?

  Homer : [Stares blankly]  I dunno. Don't ask me how the economy works.

  Frank Grimes : Yeah, but look at the size of this place! I... I live in a single room above a bowling alley and below another bowling alley.

• Homer : Oh, what'll I do, Moe?

  Moe : Well, why don't you invite him over to dinner? Turn him from an enemy into a friend. Then, when he's not expecting it... bam! The old fork in the eye.

  Homer : Do you think it might work without the fork in the eye?

  Moe : There's always a first time.

• Frank Grimes : [Homer's back is turned to his workstation, where an alarm went off]  Simpson, you got a 513!

  [Homer checks his watch] 

  Frank Grimes : No! A 513! In your procedures manual, a 513?

  [Homer stares blankly and then checks his watch again] 

  Frank Grimes : Look at your control panel!

  Homer : [turns around and speaks casually]  Oh, a 5 *13*! I'll handle it.

  [goes to his workstation and picks up a bucket of water and dumps it on the control panel, shorting it out and stopping the alarm] 

  Homer : That got it.

  [Walks off as Frank Grimes stares in shock through the window] 

• Homer : Good morning, fellow employee. You'll notice that I am now a model worker. We should continue this conversation later during a designated break period. Sincerely, Homer Simpson.

  Frank Grimes : [rolling his eyes, he leaves and enters the break room]  Can you believe that guy? He's in his office making a pathetic attempt to look professional.

  Carl : Hey, what do you got against Homer, anyway?

  Frank Grimes : Are you kidding? Does this whole plant have some disease where it can't see that he's an idiot? Look here.

  [indicating a chart on the bulletin board] 

  Frank Grimes : Accidents have doubled every year since he became safety inspector. A-And meltdowns have tripled. Has he been fired? No. Has he been disciplined? No, no.

  Lenny : Ah, everybody makes mistakes. That's why they put erasers on pencils.

  Carl : Yeah, Homer's okay. Give him a break.

  Frank Grimes : No! Homer is not okay. And I want everyone in this plant to realize it.

• Homer : So, how's it going, Grimy?

  Frank Grimes : [trying to work]  I-I'd appreciate it if you'd stay out of my office, Simpson.

  Homer : [laughing to himself]  I wish I had a nickel for every time I heard that.

• Homer : Hi, Grimy, old buddy.

  Frank Grimes : I'm not your buddy, Simpson! I don't like you. In fact, I hate you. Stay the hell away from me! Because from now on... we're enemies!

  Homer : [a little dejected]  Okay.

  [as Grimes leaves] 

  Homer : Do I have to do anything?

• Homer : Oh, I can't believe it. I got an enemy. Me! The most beloved man in Springfield.

  Moe : Ah, it's a weird world, Homer. As hard as it is to believe, some people don't care for me, neither.

  Homer : No, I won't accept that.

  Moe : No, it's true. I got their names written down right here in what I call my, uh, enemies list.

  Barney Gumble : [giving it a once-over]  Jane Fonda, Daniel Shore, Jack Anderson... hey! This is Richard Nixon's enemies list. You just crossed out his name and put yours.

  Moe : [taking it back]  Yeah, okay, give me that. Give me it back.

  [writing] 

  Moe : Barney Gumble.

• Homer : [spinning in his chair at work]  Chair goes round, chair goes round...

  Lenny : Hey, Homie, you busy?

  Homer : Yes.

  Carl : Hey, there's a new guy at the plant. Maybe we ought to say hi to him.

  Homer : I don't know. I'm kind of dizzy. I should probably go home sick.

• Homer : This dinner has to go absolutely perfect if Grimy and me are going to be friends. Lisa, be perfect.

  Lisa Simpson : Okay.

  Homer : Marge, perfect. Bart, perfect. Other kid, perfect.

• Lisa Simpson : Can I go downstairs and see what dad's doing?

  Marge Simpson : I wouldn't bother him, honey. He's making some kind of model for a contest. He says it's really high-tech stuff that we wouldn't understand.

  Homer : [poking his head out of the basement door]  Marge, do we have any elbow macaroni and glue-on sparkles?

• Homer : Hey, you seem like a great guy, so I'll give you a little tip: if you turn that security camera around, you can sleep and no one will ever know.

  Frank Grimes : Uh, I don't think we're being paid to sleep.

  Homer : Oh, yeah, they're always tryin' to screw ya.

• Homer Simpson : [as he is sleeping during Frank's funeral service]  Change the channel, Marge!

  [everyone laughs at Homer while Frank's casket is being placed into the ground] 

  Lenny : That's our Homer!

• Frank Grimes : You're eating my special dietetic lunch.

  Homer : Huh?

  Frank Grimes : [showing him "Property of Frank Grimes" on the lunch bag]  Uh, huh?

  Homer : [chuckling]  Oh, gee... oh, I'm sorry.

  Frank Grimes : The bag was clearly marked. Please be more careful in the future.

  Homer : Check.

  [he takes two more bites of the sandwich, then gives it back] 

• Homer : Design your own power plant, eh? This is my chance to prove to everyone how professional I am.

  [to a framed picture of Lenny] 

  Homer : Lenny, tell Mr. Burns I've gone home to work on the contest.

  [watching him leave, Grimes chuckles evilly, until Homer backs up into his car] 

  Frank Grimes : Oh, God!

• Frank Grimes : You idiot! You nearly drank a beaker full of sulfuric acid!

  Homer : Acid, eh? Gee, that would have been stupid.

  [laughing] 

  Homer : Boy, would my face have been red.

  Frank Grimes : Stop laughing, you imbecile! Don't you realize how close you just came to killing yourself?

  Montgomery Burns : [passing by]  Who did this to my wall?

  Homer : He did.

  Montgomery Burns : Is this true?

  Frank Grimes : Uh, well, uh, technically, it is true, sir, but...

  Montgomery Burns : Come with me.

  Homer : [whispering]  He likes you.

• Homer : Wow. You got pencils with your name on 'em, just like a pencil company executive. I'd give anything for one of these.

  Frank Grimes : Any office supply company can have them made up for you.

  Homer : Can I have this one?

  Frank Grimes : No.

  Homer : Can Lenny have it?

  Frank Grimes : No.

• Marge Simpson : I only have five lobsters. Are you sure he's not bringing anyone with him?

  Homer : No, no. He doesn't know he's coming to dinner. I didn't think he'd come, so I called and said I have something really important to tell him and that I could only tell him about it here.

  [hearing the doorbell, he starts panicking] 

  Homer : It's him! It's him! It's him! It's him! It's him! It's him!

  Marge Simpson : Calm down. Homer, calm down. Answer the door.

• Marge Simpson : Homer, why aren't you at work?

  Homer : [sitting in his car in the driveway]  The car won't start. I don't feel very good today. I am at work.

  Marge Simpson : You're afraid to go to work because Frank Grimes will be there, aren't you?

  Homer : That's crazy talk. You're crazy, Marge. Get off the road!

  [he honks the horn] 

  Marge Simpson : [getting in]  You'll have to face him sometime, and when you do, I'm sure he'll be just as anxious to make up as you are.

  Homer : No, he won't. He hates me.

  Marge Simpson : He doesn't hate you. He just feels insecure because you're getting through life so easily and it's been so difficult for him.

  Homer : Yeah! Yeah. That's his problem. He's a nut! It's not about me being lazy. It's about him being a crazy nut.

  Marge Simpson : Well... maybe. But I'll bet he would be less crazy if you were just a little more, mmm... professional in your work.

  [he gasps] 

  Marge Simpson : Just a little more. Then he won't have any reason to resent you.

  Homer : I'll do it.

  [raising a beer] 

  Homer : To professionalism!

• Frank Grimes : [seeing framed pictures in the Simpsons' house]  I'm sorry, isn't that...?

  Homer : Yeah, that's me, all right. And the guy standing next to me is President Gerald Ford. And this is when I was on tour with the Smashing Pumpkins. Oh, and here's a picture of me in outer space.

  Frank Grimes : You... went into outer space? You?

  Homer : Sure. You've never been? Would you like to see my Grammy Award?