The Simpsons (TV Series)

Homer's Enemy (1997)

Hank Azaria: Moe Szyslak, Chief Wiggum, Carl Carlson, Frank Grimes, Clerk, Auctioneer

Photos 

Quotes 

• Frank Grimes : God! I've had to work hard every day of my life and what do I have to show for it? This briefcase and this haircut! And what do you have to show for your lifetime of sloth and ignorance?

  Homer : [Stares blankly]  What?

  Frank Grimes : [Enraged]  E - Everything! A dreamhouse, two cars, a beautiful wife, a son who owns a factory, fancy clothes and...

  [sniffs] 

  Frank Grimes : lobsters for dinner! And do you deserve any of it? NO!

  Homer : [Gets worried and gasps]  What are you saying?

  Frank Grimes : I'm saying you're what's wrong with America, Simpson. You coast through life, you do as little as possible, and you leech off decent, hardworking people like me. Ha! If you lived in any other country in the world, you'd have starved to death long ago.

  Bart : He's got you there, dad.

  Frank Grimes : You're a fraud! A total fraud.

  [to the family] 

  Frank Grimes : It was nice meeting you.

• Bart : Milhouse, how could you let this happen? You were supposed to be the night watchman.

  Milhouse : I was watching. I saw the whole thing. First it started falling over, then it fell over.

  Bart : Wow. I wonder where all the rats are gonna go.

  [the rats run over to Moe's] 

  Moe : Okay, everybody, tuck your pants into your socks.

• Frank Grimes : God, he eats like a pig!

  Lenny : I don't know. Pigs tend to chew. I'd say he eats more like a duck.

  Frank Grimes : Well, some kind of farm animal, anyway. And earlier today, I saw him asleep inside a radiation suit. Can you imagine that? He was hanging from a coat hook!

  Lenny : He had three beers at lunch. That would make anybody sleepy.

  Frank Grimes : I've never seen him do any work around here. W-What is his job?

  Lenny : Safety inspector.

  Frank Grimes : That irresponsible oaf? A man who by all rights... should have been killed dozens of times by now?

  Lenny : Eh, 316 times by my count.

  Frank Grimes : That's the man who's in charge of our safety? I-It boggles the mind!

  Carl : It's best not to think about it.

• Carl : [after Homer wins a contest, much to Grimes' shock]  Way to go, Homer!

  Lenny : You're number one, Homer!

  Frank Grimes : But this was a contest for CHILDREN!

  Lenny : Yeah! And Homer beat their brains out!

  Frank Grimes : [the audience applauds and he runs up in front of them]  I can't stand it anymore, this whole plant is insane! INSANE I TELL YOU!

  [Holds his head and screams a few times as he loses his mind, then runs out to a random coworker] 

  Frank Grimes : I can be lazy, too. Look at me! I am a worthless employee, just like Homer Simpson! Give me a promotion!

  [Heads to a box of donuts] 

  Frank Grimes : Oh, I eat like a slob, but nobody minds...

  [Loudly gobbles a bit of the donuts, then heads into the restroom] 

  Frank Grimes : I'm peeing on the seat, give me a raise! Now I'm returning to work without washing my hands, *but* it doesn't matter, because *I'm* Homer Simpson!

  [Heads to Homer's workstation and sits down in his chair and spins around on it] 

  Frank Grimes : I don't need to do my work, cause someone else will do it for me! D'oh, D'oh, D'oh!

  Homer : You okay, Grimey?

  Frank Grimes : I'm better than okay, I'm Homer Simpson.

  Homer : Ha! You wish!

  Frank Grimes : [to Mr. Burns]  Oh, hey, Mr. Burns. I'm the worst worker in the world. Time to go home to my mansion and eat my lobster!

  [sees a pair of big electrical wires] 

  Frank Grimes : Oh what's this? "Extremely high voltage." Well, I don't need safety gloves, because I'm Homer Simp...

  [Grabs the wires and gets severely electrocuted and dies as the others cringe upon seeing that] 

• Frank Grimes : [Referring to the Simpsons' house, speechless]  Good heavens! This... This is a palace! How in... How in the world can you afford to live in a house like this, Simpson?

  Homer : [Stares blankly]  I dunno. Don't ask me how the economy works.

  Frank Grimes : Yeah, but look at the size of this place! I... I live in a single room above a bowling alley and below another bowling alley.

• Homer : Oh, what'll I do, Moe?

  Moe : Well, why don't you invite him over to dinner? Turn him from an enemy into a friend. Then, when he's not expecting it... bam! The old fork in the eye.

  Homer : Do you think it might work without the fork in the eye?

  Moe : There's always a first time.

• Frank Grimes : [Homer's back is turned to his workstation, where an alarm went off]  Simpson, you got a 513!

  [Homer checks his watch] 

  Frank Grimes : No! A 513! In your procedures manual, a 513?

  [Homer stares blankly and then checks his watch again] 

  Frank Grimes : Look at your control panel!

  Homer : [turns around and speaks casually]  Oh, a 5 *13*! I'll handle it.

  [goes to his workstation and picks up a bucket of water and dumps it on the control panel, shorting it out and stopping the alarm] 

  Homer : That got it.

  [Walks off as Frank Grimes stares in shock through the window] 

• Homer : Good morning, fellow employee. You'll notice that I am now a model worker. We should continue this conversation later during a designated break period. Sincerely, Homer Simpson.

  Frank Grimes : [rolling his eyes, he leaves and enters the break room]  Can you believe that guy? He's in his office making a pathetic attempt to look professional.

  Carl : Hey, what do you got against Homer, anyway?

  Frank Grimes : Are you kidding? Does this whole plant have some disease where it can't see that he's an idiot? Look here.

  [indicating a chart on the bulletin board] 

  Frank Grimes : Accidents have doubled every year since he became safety inspector. A-And meltdowns have tripled. Has he been fired? No. Has he been disciplined? No, no.

  Lenny : Ah, everybody makes mistakes. That's why they put erasers on pencils.

  Carl : Yeah, Homer's okay. Give him a break.

  Frank Grimes : No! Homer is not okay. And I want everyone in this plant to realize it.

• Homer : So, how's it going, Grimy?

  Frank Grimes : [trying to work]  I-I'd appreciate it if you'd stay out of my office, Simpson.

  Homer : [laughing to himself]  I wish I had a nickel for every time I heard that.

• Homer : Hi, Grimy, old buddy.

  Frank Grimes : I'm not your buddy, Simpson! I don't like you. In fact, I hate you. Stay the hell away from me! Because from now on... we're enemies!

  Homer : [a little dejected]  Okay.

  [as Grimes leaves] 

  Homer : Do I have to do anything?

• Homer : Oh, I can't believe it. I got an enemy. Me! The most beloved man in Springfield.

  Moe : Ah, it's a weird world, Homer. As hard as it is to believe, some people don't care for me, neither.

  Homer : No, I won't accept that.

  Moe : No, it's true. I got their names written down right here in what I call my, uh, enemies list.

  Barney Gumble : [giving it a once-over]  Jane Fonda, Daniel Shore, Jack Anderson... hey! This is Richard Nixon's enemies list. You just crossed out his name and put yours.

  Moe : [taking it back]  Yeah, okay, give me that. Give me it back.

  [writing] 

  Moe : Barney Gumble.

• Homer : [spinning in his chair at work]  Chair goes round, chair goes round...

  Lenny : Hey, Homie, you busy?

  Homer : Yes.

  Carl : Hey, there's a new guy at the plant. Maybe we ought to say hi to him.

  Homer : I don't know. I'm kind of dizzy. I should probably go home sick.

• Montgomery Burns : How dare you destroy my valuable wall and spill my priceless acid! Did you really think you were going to get away with it?

  Frank Grimes : I wasn't...

  Montgomery Burns : Silence! I'm going to give you one more chance. At a reduced salary. So straighten up and fly right.

• Homer : Hey, you seem like a great guy, so I'll give you a little tip: if you turn that security camera around, you can sleep and no one will ever know.

  Frank Grimes : Uh, I don't think we're being paid to sleep.

  Homer : Oh, yeah, they're always tryin' to screw ya.

• Frank Grimes : I would die a happy man if I can prove to you that Homer Simpson has the intelligence of a six year old.

• Frank Grimes : You're eating my special dietetic lunch.

  Homer : Huh?

  Frank Grimes : [showing him "Property of Frank Grimes" on the lunch bag]  Uh, huh?

  Homer : [chuckling]  Oh, gee... oh, I'm sorry.

  Frank Grimes : The bag was clearly marked. Please be more careful in the future.

  Homer : Check.

  [he takes two more bites of the sandwich, then gives it back] 

• Homer : Design your own power plant, eh? This is my chance to prove to everyone how professional I am.

  [to a framed picture of Lenny] 

  Homer : Lenny, tell Mr. Burns I've gone home to work on the contest.

  [watching him leave, Grimes chuckles evilly, until Homer backs up into his car] 

  Frank Grimes : Oh, God!

• Frank Grimes : You idiot! You nearly drank a beaker full of sulfuric acid!

  Homer : Acid, eh? Gee, that would have been stupid.

  [laughing] 

  Homer : Boy, would my face have been red.

  Frank Grimes : Stop laughing, you imbecile! Don't you realize how close you just came to killing yourself?

  Montgomery Burns : [passing by]  Who did this to my wall?

  Homer : He did.

  Montgomery Burns : Is this true?

  Frank Grimes : Uh, well, uh, technically, it is true, sir, but...

  Montgomery Burns : Come with me.

  Homer : [whispering]  He likes you.

• Homer : Wow. You got pencils with your name on 'em, just like a pencil company executive. I'd give anything for one of these.

  Frank Grimes : Any office supply company can have them made up for you.

  Homer : Can I have this one?

  Frank Grimes : No.

  Homer : Can Lenny have it?

  Frank Grimes : No.

• Frank Grimes : [seeing framed pictures in the Simpsons' house]  I'm sorry, isn't that...?

  Homer : Yeah, that's me, all right. And the guy standing next to me is President Gerald Ford. And this is when I was on tour with the Smashing Pumpkins. Oh, and here's a picture of me in outer space.

  Frank Grimes : You... went into outer space? You?

  Homer : Sure. You've never been? Would you like to see my Grammy Award?

• Montgomery Burns : And the bold new ideas these tiny tykes unveil for us today could make thousands of jobs like yours obsolete!

  [scant applause] 

  Waylon Smithers : Our first little genius is Ralph Wiggum.

  [Ralph comes out with a Malibu Stacy Dream House, with "Malibu Stacy" crossed out and "Nuclear" written in] 

  Waylon Smithers : It's pretty good, sir.

  Montgomery Burns : Hot tub? Media room? It's supposed to be a power plant, not Aunt Beulah's bordello. Thank you. Get out. Next.

  Chief Wiggum : [Ralph stares blankly]  Uh, Ralphy, get off the stage, sweetheart.

  [Ralph leaves, and Martin enters with his model, his nose pompously in the air] 

  Martin Prince : Behold! The power plant of the future... today!

  Montgomery Burns : [groaning in distaste]  Too cold and sterile. Where's the heart?

  Martin Prince : But it really generates power. I-It's lighting this room right now.

  [as a demonstration, he turns a knob and the room's lights go down and come back up] 

  Montgomery Burns : You lose. Get off my property. Let's have the next child.

  Frank Grimes : [as Homer comes out]  Look, everybody! Simpson's in a contest with children!

  Lenny : Hey, shh!

  Carl : You're making us miss the contest.

• Frank Grimes : I can't take it anymore this whole plant is insane I tell you.