The Simpsons (TV Series)

Homer and Ned's Hail Mary Pass (2005)

Harry Shearer: Ned Flanders, Mr. Burns, Smithers, Lenny, Doctor Hibbert

Quotes 

• Comic Book Guy : [watching Homer do a victory dance]  He makes me look cool. And cool I am not. May I upload your footage onto my website?

  Ned Flanders : Well, sir, I don't think we've ever met.

  Comic Book Guy : My name is Jeff Albertson, but everyone calls me Comic Book Guy.

  Ned Flanders : Well, I'll just call you friend.

  [giving him the tape] 

  Ned Flanders : Here's your tape... friend.

• Marge Simpson : Ned, there's more to the Bible than blood and gore.

  Ned Flanders : Oh, I-I guess you'd rather see a film about a liberal European wizard school, or-or the latest sexcapade of Ms. Ashley Judd.

  Marge Simpson : Well, I don't like *this* movie, and I'm going to boycott your financier, Mr. Burns.

  Mr. Burns : Oh, really? And what will you use instead of nuclear power?

  Marge Simpson : Solar.

  Lenny : Hydroelectric.

  Moe Szyslak : A mix of conservation and wind.

  Mr. Burns : Who told you about those?

  Carl Carlson : A talking tree in a commercial.

• Ned Flanders : Now, boys, we're gonna film the world's first, and some would say best, murder mystery: the story of Cain and Abel.

  Todd Flanders : Daddy, if Cain and Abel were Adam and Eve's only children, how did they make more babies?

  Rod Flanders : Did they make babies with their mother? Or with each other?

  Ned Flanders : Your mouth is hopin' for a soapin', boy. Now stop asking silly questions and go kill your brother!

• Mr. Burns : [Flanders' filmed dramatization of the Cain and Abel story is a hit]  Smithers, we could make a fortune with these Bible pictures. And I've been looking for a way to launder the money I made selling club soda as flu vaccine.

• Carl Carlson : Hey, Lovejoy, you could take a lesson from Flanders; you know, inject your services with a little razzle-dazzle.

  Rev. Lovejoy : Oh, I already do, if by "razzle" you mean "piety" and by "dazzle" you mean "Scriptural accuracy."

  Carl Carlson : [to his friend Lenny]  What a tool.

• Marge Simpson : [seeing Flanders shooting a new movie]  Oh, my. Ned's next movie seems even bloodier than the last one.

  Ned Flanders : [as Lou whips Hans Moleman]  Now, there's no need to actually whip him. We can put the sound in later.

  Mr. Burns : No! As your financial backer, I insist upon reality. Pharaoh didn't put the sound in later.

  Ned Flanders : But who'd know the difference?

  Mr. Burns : The people being whipped!

  [taking Lou's whip, he starts whipping Hans himself] 

• Principal Skinner : Step right up and bid on items donated by local businesses.

  Homer Simpson : Oh, I only got $100. I better bid shrewdly.

  Principal Skinner : First up is this video camera.

  Homer Simpson : $100!

  Ned Flanders : $100.50!

  Principal Skinner : Sold!

  Homer Simpson : Damn it!

• LeBron James : Homer, this is LeBron James. The fans love my dunks, but they hate my dancing.

  [the crowd boos as he tries to dance] 

  Homer Simpson : I think I can fit you in.

  [going over a list of clients] 

  Homer Simpson : Let's see... Lenny, can I move you from Wednesday at noon to Sunday at 6:00?

  Lenny : Homer, you know that's when I play with neighborhood dogs.

  Homer Simpson : All right, all right, I'll work it out.