The Simpsons (TV Series)
Homer and Apu (1994)
Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Kwik-E-Mart Customer #1, Homeless Man #1, Monkeys, Barney Gumble, Squeaky-Voiced Teen, Grampa, Christian, Train Announcer
Photos
Quotes
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Homer : Apu, if it'll make you feel any better, I've learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.
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The Preisdent of the Kwik-E-Mart : Approach, my sons. You may ask me three questions.
Apu : That's great, because all I need is one.
Homer : Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart?
The Preisdent of the Kwik-E-Mart : Yes.
Homer : Really?
The Preisdent of the Kwik-E-Mart : Yes.
Homer : You?
The Preisdent of the Kwik-E-Mart : Yes. I hope this has been enlightening for you. Thank you, come again.
Apu : But sir, I!
The Preisdent of the Kwik-E-Mart : Thank you, come again.
[Homer and Apu are leaving the Kwik-E-Mart]
Homer : Well, that was a big bust. Is he really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart?
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Apu : [singing] Whether igloo, hut, or lean-to, or a geodesic dome, there's no structure I have been to which I'd rather call my home. When I first arrived, you were all such jerks, but now I've come to love your quirks. Maggie with her eyes so bright, Marge with hair by Frank Lloyd Wright, Lisa can philosophize, Bart's adept at spinning lies, Homer's a delightful fella, sorry about the salmonella.
Homer : [laughing] That's okay.
Apu : Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart? Now here's the tricky part. Oh, won't you rhyme with me? Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
Marge : Their floors are sticky-mart.
Lisa : They made dad sick-e-mart.
Bart : Let's hurl a brick-e-mart.
Homer : The Kwik-E-Mart is real... D'OH!
Homer , Marge , Lisa , Bart : Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
Apu : Not me!
Homer , Marge , Lisa , Bart : Forget the Kwik-E-Mart. Goodbye to Kwik-E-Mart. Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
Apu : Not me.
Homer : Everything really wrapped up nicely. Hmm, much quicker than usual.
Marge : I guess we've learned that happiness is wherever you find it.
Homer : And we've all found happiness. Every one of us.
Apu : [Sobbing]
Homer : Hey, what's that sound?
Apu : Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart? I do.
Homer : Hey, he's not happy at all. He lied to us through song! I hate it when people do that!
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Apu : I have come to make amends, sir. At first, I blamed you for squealing, but then I realized, it was I who wronged you. So I have come to work off my debt. I am at your service.
Homer : You're... selling what, now?
Apu : I am selling only the concept of karmic realignment.
Homer : You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos.
[Slams the door]
Apu : He's got me there.
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[Apu sniffs the expired meat]
Apu : Jiminy Cricket! Ooh! Expired ham.
[scribbles out the expiration date and sets it on a for-sale rack]
Apu : No, this time, I am going too far. No,
[Homer walks in]
Apu : no one will forfeit...
Homer : Woohoo! Cheap meat!
[grabs the ham]
Homer : Ooh! This one's open.
[eats the ham]
Homer : [Homer is now in the living room, still eating the ham. His stomach growls]
Homer : Ooh! Stomach churning!
[eats some more]
Homer : Bowls clenching! Not much time!
[falls to the floor, off-screen]
Homer : Must finish!
[we hear him eating more]
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[Homer is watching a stand-up routine on TV]
Comedian : Yo, check this out. Black guys drive a car like this...
[leans back while miming holding a steering wheel, and does a baritone scat. Audience laughs]
Comedian : Yeah, but white guys, see, they drive a car like this...
[leans forward while miming holding the wheel, and does the scat with a nasally voice. Audience laughs]
Homer : [laughing] It's true! It's true! We're so lame!
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Homer : Your old meat made me sick!
Apu : Ooh, I am so sorry.
[puts a bucket of shrimp on the counter]
Apu : Please accept five pounds of frozen shrimp.
Homer : [sniffs the shrimp] This shrimp isn't frozen! And it smells funny!
Apu : [sets another bucket of shrimp on the counter] Okay. Ten pounds.
Homer : Woohoo!
