- Artie Ziff: [on a device to help Marge sleep] He's a loser Marge... dump him!
- [sings]
- Artie Ziff: Yeah, I traveled the world and the seven seas... I am watching you through a camera!
- [the oil rig Homer's working on has caught on fire]
- Homer: Oh no. This is how faceless Joe lost his legs.
- Artie Ziff: Tell me, Homer, what's it like being married to Marge?
- Homer Simpson: It's like being married to your best friend - who lets you touch her boobies!
- Homer Simpson: This is the perfect job. I'll leave the world the same way I came into it - dirty, screaming and torn away from the woman I love.
- Patty: Overnight bag, no husband in sight - it's happened!
- Selma: She left Homer? I'll get the champale!
- Patty: And let's get that ring off!
- Marge Simpson: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Delilah! I didn't leave Homer, and I never will. I just need one night away from his snoring.
- Selma: Great - we'll have a girls' night.
- Patty: No bras!
- Marge Simpson: I haven't lost so much sleep since little Barty had the scoots.
- Dr. Hibbert: Well, there's a surgical option, but it's not cheap.
- [Writes something on a slip of paper, and slides it across his desk to Homer]
- Dr. Hibbert: Here's what it costs.
- Homer Simpson: [Reads paper] Interesting. Here's my counter-offer.
- [Writes something on the paper and gives it back to Hibbert]
- Dr. Hibbert: [Reads. The note says, "Do it for free"]
- [Chuckles, then turns very serious]
- Dr. Hibbert: Get out.
- Selma: Let's catch the tail end of Nookie in New York.
- Marge Simpson: Nookie in New York?
- Patty: It's a cable show about four single women who act like gay men.
- Marge Simpson: That sounds great!
- Miranda: [Marge, Patty and Selma turn on "Nookie in New York"] If I'm not having sex by the end of this goat-cheese quesadilla, I'm going to scream.
- Charlotte: I also enjoy sex.
- Samantha: Since this morning, I've had sex with a New York Knick, two subway cops, and a guy who works on Wall Street.
- Charlotte: Broker?
- Carrie: Nah. She's just really sore.
- [They all laugh]
- Patty: [Back in the apartment] This is so like our lives.
- Selma: It's like they hid a camera in our apartment.
- Homer Simpson: Okay, Artie, you get her for the weekend - but no funny stuff. And by "funny stuff" I mean hand-holding, goo-goo eyes, misdirected woo - which is pretty much any John Woo film...
- Artie Ziff: Your wife's virtue shall remain as untouched as Bill Gates' weight room.
- Marge Simpson: I knew this weekend was just an excuse to get in my mouth! Keep your money - I'm going home!
- Cab Driver: That's nine hundred and twelve dollars.
- Marge Simpson: Send the bill to Baron von Kiss-a-lot.
- Cab Driver: No problem-o.
- [He drives away]
- Butler: [the scene cuts to a shot of a Bavarian castle, and then to an aristocratic drawing room. A butler approaches a man seated by a fireplace] This just arrived, Herr Baron.
- [Hands him the taxi bill, which he reads]
- Baron: [In German accent] Okay, who's the wise guy?