- Homer: [drunk] Look, the thing about my family is there's five of us: Marge, Bart, Girl-Bart, the one who doesn't talk, and the fat guy. How I loathe him!
- Homer: I'm gonna come back with the best gift a husband can get a wife- an annulment from his secret wife.
- [Ginger wakes up next to Abe]
- Ginger: Wha?
- Abe Simpson: Good morning, honey.
- Ginger: Who are you?
- Abe Simpson: I'm your husband. We got married yesterday.
- Ginger: But, how? We didn't?... You know. Did we?
- Abe Simpson: You know, we almost didn't. But you wouldn't take "I can't" for an answer.
- Bart: Hey, Vegas Mom, how long you gonna stay here?
- Amber: Oh, I'm not goin' anywhere. I already unpacked my delicates!
- [points to a row of wigs]
- Lisa Simpson: Doesn't it bother you that you've breaking up our family?
- Amber: You know, I bet you and me could be friends. I could show you how to put on makeup!
- Lisa Simpson: I'm eight years old.
- Amber: You could look seven. And I could teach you to count cards!
- Bart: Nah, I already got a system.
- [playing Monopoly]
- Lisa Simpson: These hotels are made of LEGOs. Bart, you're cheating!
- Marge Simpson: Lisa, it was probably an accident.
- Lisa Simpson: Oh, sure. You take his side, just because he bought you that house on St. James Place.
- Bart Simpson: Who else is going to take care of her? Dad?
- Homer Simpson: Why you little...!
- [Homer starts strangling Bart]
- Marge Simpson: Stop fighting!
- [Marge starts strangling Homer]
- Lisa Simpson: Mom, that's not how you pry them apart.
- [Lisa grabs Bart's arm and tries to pull him away from Homer]
- Marge Simpson: I've been prying them apart since before you were born!
- Gabriel: Homer, you're a bad man and your seed should be wiped from the earth... no offense, children.
- Gabriel: So, this is your room?
- Lisa: Yes. My room is my sanctuary. My family members know that and respect that.
- Bart: [runs in] Lisa, I got sprayed by a skunk. Let me rub it off on your sweaters.
- Lisa: [takes out stress ball and starts squeezing it] Just ten more years, just ten more years, just ten more years...
- Gabriel: I brought you out here to shake off your negative behavior patterns. Marge, you medicate your family with food. Bart, you'll do anything for attention. Cut that out!
- Bart Simpson: [with a beard of bees] They chose me.
- Gabriel: Homer, your problem is quite simple. You're a drunken, childish buffoon.
- Homer Simpson: Which is society's fault, because...?
- Gabriel: It's YOUR fault, Homer!
- Ginger: Where's my cigarettes?
- Rod Flanders: We flushed your sin sticks down to hell. Smokers are jokers.
- Rod Flanders, Todd Flanders: Smokers are jokers!
- Judge Constance Harm: Mr. Simpson, under Nevada law, bigamy - or Mormon Hold 'Em - is perfectly legal.
- Marge Simpson: We don't need TV to have family fun. Why don't we play Monopoly?
- Lisa Simpson: [grabbing the game boxes from the cupboard] Which version? We've got Star Wars Monopoly, Rasta-Mon-opoly, Galip-olopoly, Edna Krabappoly...
- Marge Simpson: Let's stick to original Monopoly. The game is crazy enough as it is - how can an iron be a landlord?
- [after showing Amber the video of her wedding to Grampa]
- Bart: You crapped out, Vegas Mom!
- Marge Simpson: Our plan worked perfectly.
- Lisa: And we carried it out as a family.
- Amber: What plan? You got me drunk!
- Abe Simpson: Yeah, but this time you woke up with more than a hangover. You're married to me - ME!
- [laughs evilly]
- Carl: Geez Homer, I thought someone with two wives would be happy.
- Lenny: No, you're thinking of someone with two *knives*.
- Moe Szyslak: [holding up two butcher knives] I gotta tell you, this is pretty terrific.
- [laughs]
- Moe Szyslak: Yeah!
- Marge Simpson: Bart, I know this sounds crazy, but do you think you can drive a car?
- Bart Simpson: Okay, but it's my first time.
- Marge Simpson: Here's the keys.
- Bart Simpson: I got a set.
- Krusty the Clown: Let's get rid of PBS. Those lousy Muppets have been taking food out of mouth for way to long.