Seinfeld (TV Series)

The Wizard (1998)

Jason Alexander: George Costanza

Photos 

Quotes 

• George Costanza : What's that?

  Jerry Seinfeld : It's a Wizard electronic organizer for my dad. I'm going to Florida for his birthday.

  George Costanza : How much was it?

  Jerry Seinfeld : Two hundred, but I'll tell him it's fifty. He doesn't care about the gift; he gets excited about the deal.

  George Costanza : Where are you gettin' a Wizard for fifty dollars?

  Jerry Seinfeld : Eh, I'll tell him I got it on the street; maybe it's hot - that's his favorite.

• George Costanza : I got a message from the Rosses at work today.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Susan's parents? When's the last time you talked with them?

  George Costanza : At the funeral, give or take.... You know, deep down, I always kinda felt that they blamed me for Susan's death.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Why? Because you picked out the poison envelopes?... That's silly.

• [Jerry is in Florida; Elaine is in his apartment, talking to him on the telephone. George enters the apartment] 

  George Costanza : Jerry?

  Elaine Benes : He's still down with his folks.

  George Costanza : What are you doing here?

  Jerry Seinfeld : [worriedly]  Elaine? *Elaine?*

  Elaine Benes : [ignoring Jerry]  I'm gettin' his mail.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Oh, no.

  George Costanza : He asked you to get the mail?

  Elaine Benes : Mm-hmm.

  George Costanza : [George grabs the phone from Elaine]  Jerry, why is Elaine getting your mail?

  Jerry Seinfeld : George, listen to me. I have a very important job for you.... I want you to come by twice a day and flush the toilet so the gaskets don't dry out and leak.

  George Costanza : Well, what about the mail?

  Jerry Seinfeld : This is far more important. You *must* exercise the gaskets, George.

  George Costanza : All right, Jerry; I'll do it. See ya.

  [hangs up] 

• Mrs. Ross : George, the Susan Ross Foundation is having an event this weekend.

  George Costanza : Oh, I just, uh, leased a house, out in the Hamptons, and I've *got* to get out there this weekend and sign the papers.

  Mrs. Ross : Thank you for calling, George.

  [she moves to hang up the phone] 

  George Costanza : Oh, sure. I mean, after all, you were almost my, uh, uh, okay, I gotta go.

• [George is on the telephone] 

  George Costanza : Uh, Mrs. Ross, it's - it's George.

  Mrs. Ross : Who?

  George Costanza : George Costanza, Susan's, uh, friend?... Long time, no speak.

• [Jerry has heard George's end of his telephone conversation with Mrs. Ross] 

  Jerry Seinfeld : House in the Hamptons?

  George Costanza : Well, you know, I've been lying about my income for a few years; I figured I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons.

• [George comes upon Mr. and Mrs. Ross] 

  George Costanza : Rosses.

  Mr. Ross : George, we were just talking about you.

  George Costanza : [nervously]  Oh...

  [more confidently] 

  George Costanza : Well, sorry I missed that, uh, charity thing, but this was one of those truly glorious Hampton weekends that you always hear about.

  Mrs. Ross : [falsely interested]  Really?

  George Costanza : Yeah, I may move out there.

  [the Rosses look bored] 

  George Costanza : I mean it - I'll do it!... Okay, I'll see you later.... Keep it real!

• George Costanza : So, ran into the Rosses again.

  Elaine Benes : Oh, right, at the coffee shop. Where did they get the idea that you have a place in the Hamptons?

  George Costanza : From me.

  Elaine Benes : What did you say?

  George Costanza : I told them I have a place in the Hamptons. What did *you* say?

  Elaine Benes : I told them you didn't. And I laughed and I laughed.

  [laughing] 

  George Costanza : So they knew? Those liars!

  Elaine Benes : But, you lied first!

  George Costanza : [Angrily]  Yeah, but they let me go on and on all about the Hamptons; they never said a thing! You don't let somebody lie when you know they're lying - you *call* them a liar!

  Elaine Benes : Like, "You're a liar."

  George Costanza : Yes! Thank you! Was that so hard?

  Elaine Benes : So is this over? Not over?... I'm bettin' "not over."

  George Costanza : Not by a long shot. I'm calling up the Rosses and inviting them out to my nonexistent place in the Hamptons. Then, we'll see who blinks first.

  Elaine Benes : Haven't you done enough to these people?

  George Costanza : This is not about them. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to exercise Jerry's gaskets.

• [George is driving the Rosses to the Hamptons to visit his fictitious house] 

  George Costanza : ...and that leads into the master bedroom.

  Mrs. Ross : Tell us more.

  George Costanza : Wanna hear more?... The master bedroom opens into the solarium.

  Mr. Ross : Another solarium?

  George Costanza : Yes, two solariums. Quite a find.... And, I... have horses, too.

  Mr. Ross : What are their names?

  George Costanza : [after a pause]  Snoopy and Prickly Pete.... Should I keep driving?

  Mrs. Ross : Oh, look: an antique stand. Pull over; we'll buy you a housewarming gift.

  George Costanza : [chuckles and speaks to himself]  Housewarming gift....

  [louder] 

  George Costanza : All right - we're taking it up a notch!

• George Costanza : [folding the newspaper he was reading]  When are they gonna learn that any news about China is an instant page-turner?