Seinfeld (TV Series)

The Opposite (1994)

Jerry Seinfeld: Jerry Seinfeld

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Quotes 

• George Costanza : Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but... I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every of life, be it something to wear, something to eat... It's all been wrong.

  Waitress : Tuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee.

  George Costanza : Yeah. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always have tuna on toast. Nothing's ever worked out for me with tuna on toast. I want the complete opposite of on toast. Chicken salad, on rye, untoasted... and a cup of tea.

  Elaine Benes : Well, there's no telling what can happen from this.

  Jerry Seinfeld : You know chicken salad is not the opposite of tuna, salmon is the opposite of tuna, because salmon swim against the current, and the tuna swim with it.

  George Costanza : [Sarcastically]  Good for the tuna.

  Elaine Benes : [a blonde looks at George]  Ah, George, you know, that woman just looked at you.

  George Costanza : So what? What am I supposed to do?

  Elaine Benes : Go talk to her.

  George Costanza : Elaine, bald men, with no jobs, and no money, who live with their parents, don't approach strange women.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Well, here's your chance to try the opposite. Instead of tuna salad and being intimidated by women, chicken salad and going right up to them.

  George Costanza : Yeah, I should do the opposite, I should.

  Jerry Seinfeld : If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.

  George Costanza : Yes, I will do the opposite. I used to sit here and do nothing, and regret it for the rest of the day, so now I will do the opposite, and I will do something!

  George Costanza : [He goes over to the woman]  Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice that you were looking in my direction.

  Victoria : Oh, yes I was. You just ordered the same exact lunch as me.

  George Costanza : [Takes a deep breath]  My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.

  Victoria : I'm Victoria. Hi.

• Jerry Seinfeld : [George is telling Jerry he's been hired by the Yankees]  The New York Yankees?

  George Costanza : The New York Yankees!

  Jerry Seinfeld : Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle... Costanza?

• Elaine Benes : [Closing scene at Monk's. Elaine is telling Jerry and Kramer how, by eating Jujyfruits, she couldn't tell Mr. Lippman to take his handkerchief. Because he didn't have it after he sneezed, he didn't shake hands with the Japanese businessmen who were going to buy Pendant Publishing, which led to them not going through with the merger]  I must've had at least eight in my mouth. I couldn't talk. I couldn't talk!

  Jerry Seinfeld : Why'd you have to eat so many?

  Elaine Benes : Because they're Jujyfruit. I like them. I didn't know it would start a chain reaction that would lead to the end of Pendant Publishing.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Not to mention the end of Kramer's coffee table book.

  Kramer : Yeah, you knew he had a cold. How'd you expect him to blow his nose?

  Elaine Benes : Do you know what's going on here? Can't you see what's happened? I've become George.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Don't say that.

  Elaine Benes : It's true. I'm George! I'm George!

• [last lines] 

  Jerry Seinfeld : Coffee's a drink that seems to encourage a lot of accessories around it. Coffee cake, coffee table, coffee table book. Klatches of people. Say what you want about alcohol, but not only are there not a lot of optional accessories, alcohol actually helps you get rid of things. Family, home, job, driver's license. In fact, at a certain point the only thing you have to remember to get is more alcohol. And maybe a rag for your squeegee.

• [first lines] 

  Jerry Seinfeld : It seems pretty hard to justify, at this point in human history, the existence of men and their handkerchiefs. I mean, they open it up, blow their nose in it, then put it in their pocket with their other valuables. Wallet, keys, mucous. Yep, got everything. Is it because men can't give birth? Are they just proud of anything that comes out of us? We'll actually have a monogram sewn onto it. What is the source of pride here? We like to have it sticking up out of our breast pocket of our jacket. "I have a snot rag!"