Seinfeld (TV Series)

The Merv Griffin Show (1997)

Jerry Seinfeld: Jerry Seinfeld

Photos 

Quotes 

• George Costanza : I don't get these birds; they're breakin' the deal! It's like the pigeons decided to ignore me.

  Jerry Seinfeld : So they're like everyone else.

• Elaine Benes : I was sittin' there, making Cup-a-Soup, singing that song from The Lion King.

  Jerry Seinfeld : "Hakuna Matata"?

  Elaine Benes : [ashamedly]  I thought I was alone.

  Jerry Seinfeld : That doesn't make it right.

• George Costanza : Miranda thinks I'm a butcher, but - it's not my fault, is it? Don't we have a deal with the pigeons?

  Jerry Seinfeld : Of course we have a deal: They get out of the way of our cars; we look the other way on the statue defecations.

• Jerry Seinfeld : See, to me, the "Hakuna Matata" is not nearly as embarrassing as the Cup-a-Soup.

  Elaine Benes : Would you just... let it go?

• George Costanza : [George and Jerry are seated as guests on "The Merv Griffin Show"]  So, they're flying the tiny instruments in from El Paso.

  Cosmo Kramer : El Paso, I spent a month there one night.

  Newman : [laughing hard]  El Paso!

  Jerry Seinfeld : What's he here for?

  Cosmo Kramer : He takes some of the pressure off of me. So Jerry what's going on with you? I understand there's a young lady in your life. Hmmm

  Jerry Seinfeld : Actually it's kind of a funny story.She has this amazing toy collection and last night I finally got to play with them.

  Cosmo Kramer : Well it sounds like things are progressing. Do I hear wedding bells?

  Newman : Are you married right now?

  [Kramer slaps Newman] 

  Jerry Seinfeld : Actually she doesn't even know about the toys. I gave her the wrong kind of medicine and I guess she passed out.

  Cosmo Kramer : What do you mean "wrong kind of medicine"?

  Jerry Seinfeld : [to George]  She's even got that old Mattel football game that we love.

  George Costanza : Ah come on! You got to get me over there!

  Cosmo Kramer : Wait a minute! You mean to say that you drugged a woman so you could take advantage of her toys?

  [to Newman] 

  Cosmo Kramer : Could we pause a moment?

  [Newman turns on "commercial break music"] 

  Cosmo Kramer : Jerry, now what you do with your personal life is your business but when your on my set, you clean it up mister!

  Newman : I told you he was a risk.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Oh like he's not just carrying you and has been for years!

  Newman : Yeah? Well you bombed! That story stunk worse than these chairs.

  [Kramer mediates] 

  Cosmo Kramer : ["Commercial music" ends]  Smile everyone we're back.

• Jerry Seinfeld : So Miranda's cooled on you?

  George Costanza : I'm gettin' nothin'!

  Jerry Seinfeld : Yeah, me neither.

  George Costanza : Really? I thought you and Celia were sleeping together.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Oh, the sex is wild, but she's got this incredible toy collection and she won't let me near it!

• Jerry Seinfeld : Tic Tacs worked?

  Elaine Benes : He's a human maraca.

• Cosmo Kramer : Jerry, this is the set from the old Merv Griffin show. They must be throwing it out. This stuff belongs in the Smithsonian.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Or at least the dumpster behind the Smithsonian.

• Jerry Seinfeld : You ran over some pigeons? How many?

  George Costanza : Whatever they had.

• [entering Celia's apartment, Jerry admires her toy collection] 

  Jerry Seinfeld : Where did you get all these?

  Celia : My dad was a collector. I inherited them after he died from a long, painful bout with -

  Jerry Seinfeld : SuperBall!

• Jerry Seinfeld : So, where are you gonna sleep?

  Cosmo Kramer : Backstage.