Seinfeld (TV Series)

The Fusilli Jerry (1995)

Jerry Seinfeld: Jerry Seinfeld

Photos 

Quotes 

• George Costanza : So, did you get your new plates?

  Cosmo Kramer : Oh... yeah. I got my new plates. But they mixed them up. Somebody got mine and I got their vanity plates.

  George Costanza : What do they say?

  Cosmo Kramer : Assman.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Assman?

  Cosmo Kramer : Yeah. Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman!

  Jerry Seinfeld : Who would order a license plate that says "Assman"?

  George Costanza : Maybe they're Wilt Chamberlain's.

  Jerry Seinfeld : It doesn't have to be someone who gets a lot of women. It could be just some guy with a big ass.

  Cosmo Kramer : Yeah, or it could be a proctologist.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Yeah. Proctologist.

  George Costanza : Come on! No doctor would put that on his car.

  Cosmo Kramer : Have you ever met a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. Plant yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they stuck something up there. Never! It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way: "It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one!"

• Cosmo Kramer : [hands Jerry a pasta figure]  There you go, buddy.

  Jerry Seinfeld : What is it?

  Cosmo Kramer : It's fusilli Jerry. It's made from fusilli pasta. See the microphone?

  Jerry Seinfeld : When did you do this?

  Cosmo Kramer : In my spare time.

• Frank Costanza : Where's your friend Kramer?

  Jerry Seinfeld : I don't know. Why?

  Frank Costanza : Because I'm looking for him. That's why. He stopped short.

  Jerry Seinfeld : What do you mean?

  Frank Costanza : In a car, with my wife. He stopped short. You think I don't know what that's about? That's my old move! I used it on Estelle forty years ago! I told everybody about it! Everybody knows!

  [Demonstrates] 

  Frank Costanza : Hmmph! I stopped short.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Really, stopping short. That's a good move.

  Frank Costanza : You're not kidding it's a good move!

• Jerry Seinfeld : Hey, David.

  David Puddy : Oh, hi, Jerry.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Hey, what's the story? I hear you're doing my move.

  David Puddy : What move?

  Jerry Seinfeld : What move? My move. The one I told you about. You used it on Elaine.

  David Puddy : Your move? What, are you kidding? I was doing that before I knew you. All you told me about was the ending.

  Jerry Seinfeld : The ending is the whole thing. Without the ending, it's nothing. You had nothing

  David Puddy : Oh, that ending was so obvious. I would have figured it out anyway. I didn't need you to tell me that stupid twist.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Swirl

  David Puddy : Whatever. I don't even do it.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Oh, yeah, I know. You do the pinch.

  David Puddy : Yeah, that's right.

  Jerry Seinfeld : You can't come up with your own stuff, so you steal other peoples? You're nothing but a hack.

• [first lines] 

  Jerry Seinfeld : The worse part about a car breaking down is when you're out on the road, you're a guy, 'cause now you have to get out and pretend like you know what you're doing. You gotta go, "All right, honey, I'm gonna go check it out." Walk around the front, open up the hood. That's good 'cause it obscures her view. That's the main reason you wanna do that. You're lookin' in there. You know, you're hoping you're going to see something in there so simple, so obvious, so incredibly easy to fix, even you can handle it, like a giant on/off switch turned off.