- Elaine Benes: I couldn't find it anywhere. How did you get fleas anyway?
- Jerry Seinfeld: Don't know. Who could've been in my apartment?
- Elaine Benes: I looked everywhere, even under the couch, but all I could find were these stupid Chunky wrappers. I couldn't...
- Jerry Seinfeld: [interrupts] Wait a minute! Did you say Chunky wrappers?
- Elaine Benes: Yeah!
- Jerry Seinfeld: Let me see those.
- [smells the wrappers]
- Jerry Seinfeld: Oh! I know the chunky that left these Chunkies... Newman! I've got him!
- Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, my God! What the hell is this? Don't tell me... Velvet!
- George Costanza: It's the real deal.
- Jerry Seinfeld: She's seen you in this thing?
- George Costanza: That's right. We just had sex. You know, Jerry, I've been searching for someone a long time. Well, the search is over.
- Jerry Seinfeld: And now the search for the right psychiatrist begins.
- [Jerry knocks on Newman's door]
- Jerry Seinfeld: Newman! Open the door, Newman! I know you're in there!
- Newman: Hello, Jerry. What a pleasant surprise.
- Jerry Seinfeld: There's nothing pleasant about it, so let's just cut the crap. You gave me fleas. I know it and you know it.
- Newman: Fleas? Bwa ha ha ha ha.That's preposterous! How can I give you fleas? Now, if you don't mind...
- Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, but I do. There's probably fleas crawling all over your little snack bar.
- [Newman is scratching his back and stops when Jerry turns around]
- Newman: So you have fleas. Maybe you keep your house in a state of disrepair. Maybe you live in squalor.
- Jerry Seinfeld: You know, Newman, the thing about fleas is that they irritate the skin and they start to itch. Oh, maybe you can hold out five seconds or ten, maybe fifteen or twenty. But after a while, no matter how much will power a person may have, it won't matter, because they're crawling, crawling on your skin. Up your legs, up your spine, up your back...
- Newman: [finally snaps] Baaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh... I'm ripped with fleas!
- Mandel: Three hours of massage time, 12 in-room movies including several adult features, five shoe shines and $400 worth of snacks. Not to mention the damage to the room.
- Elaine Benes: Mr. Mandel, you don't understand! My... my friend had fleas! I ran into the gas! It could have killed me! And my... my other friend couldn't taste his peaches! They're only good for two weeks!
- Mandel: I think you've read one too many Billy Mumphrey stories. Good day, Miss Benes.
- Jerry Seinfeld: There's a lot of ugly people out there walking around, but they don't know they're ugly because nobody actually tells them.
- George Costanza: So, what's your point?
- Cosmo Kramer: The 15th? Yes! Last day for the Mackinaws. I can still make it. Wait... Newman...
- Newman: [just finished off a Mackinaw peach] Sorry, last one. Would you want to suck the pit?
- Cosmo Kramer: [laughs sarcastically, then speaks to the bulldog] Look, Buford! It's the mailman! You remember the mailman, don't you?
- [Kramer takes the dog off the leash and it chases Newman down the street]
- [George shows Jerry the doodle]
- George Costanza: Don't you see what this is?
- Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah! It's a doodle.
- George Costanza: Yeah! A doodle of me! Look at the size of the nose! The ears! All my features are distorted!
- Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, It's an affectionate caricature.
- George Costanza: I'm grotesque! I look like a troll!
- Jerry Seinfeld: It's just a drawing.
- [first lines]
- Jerry Seinfeld: And, you know, these pest control companies. They call themselves exterminators, but they can't really do it. The best they can do is get the bugs to go to somebody else's house. They just relocate them. You know what I mean? They're bug realtors is what they are. "Uh, I think you'll be happy here. There's a lot of crumbs, not much light. They usually sleep through the night. You'll really have your run of the place most of the time". Nobody really cares about killing insects. Even the animal rights people don't care. You could probably walk into an animal rights organization meeting and hear a speech like, "The only way to stop the cruelty of the scientific testing on animals... ahh, got him... is to boycott these companies".
- Helen: What's wrong?
- Jerry Seinfeld: Nothing.
- Helen: Jerry, I'm your mother. Now, what is it?
- Jerry Seinfeld: Mom, Dad... I have fleas.
- Exterminator: I'm gonna have to seal the place up for 48 hours and fog it. That's the only way to get rid of 'em.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Nobody can be in here for 48 hours? I have my parents in town!
- Exterminator: Well, unless you want to kill 'em, they can't stay here.