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Quotes
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Jerry Seinfeld : On my block, a lot of people walk their dogs, and I always see them walking along with their little poop bags, which to me is just the lowest function of human life. If aliens are watching this through telescopes, they're gonna think the dogs are the leaders. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume was in charge?
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[last lines]
Jerry Seinfeld : I had a parakeet when I was a kid. That was the only pet that I really enjoyed. We used to let him out of his cage, and he would fly around. And my mother had built one entire wall of our living room was mirrored, she felt this gives you a feeling of space. Have you ever heard this interior-design principle? The mirror makes it seem like you have entire other room. What kid of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey, look. There's a whole other room in there? There's a guy in there, looks just like me." But the parakeet will fall for this. You let him out of his cage. He flies around. Bang! With his little head. He would just go: "Oh!" And I'd always think, even if he thinks the mirror is another room, why doesn't he at least try and avoid hitting the other parakeet?
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Jerry Seinfeld : Let go, Farfel. Let go. Give me that. Give me that sneaker, you stupid idiot.
[dog barking loudly]
Jerry Seinfeld : Shut up! So, what would you do?
Elaine Benes : It's only been three days. I'm sure he's gonna call.
Jerry Seinfeld : Stop it! Shut Up! Do you believe this? You believe what I'm dealing with? I got a wild animal in the house. He'd deranged. Maybe he's got rabies. I can get lockjaw.
Elaine Benes : If only.
Jerry Seinfeld : Look at this place. He's going everywhere. I can't go out of the house at night. I haven't performed in three days. This will be my first night out since I got back.
Elaine Benes : Hey, when you walk him, do you...?
Jerry Seinfeld : Do I what?
Elaine Benes : Do you pick it up?
Jerry Seinfeld : Yes, I pick it up.
Elaine Benes : You pick it up?
Jerry Seinfeld : Well, you have to.
Elaine Benes : Oh, boy, would I love to see that.
Jerry Seinfeld : Shut up! Shut up, Farfel! Stop it! I don't know what to do. What if I take it to the pound, and then the guy shows up?
Elaine Benes : Maybe call the airline. They might know where he is.
Jerry Seinfeld : No, I tried. They don't know. You gotta put the syrup in first.
Elaine Benes : No, milk.
Jerry Seinfeld : I'm telling you. The guy's a drunk. He's probably on a bender.
Elaine Benes : What is a bender anyhow?
Jerry Seinfeld : I don't know. They drink and they bend things at the bar. I don't know.
Elaine Benes : I can't believe he hasn't called.
Jerry Seinfeld : Two hundred seats on a plane. I gotta wind up next to Yukon Jack and his dog, Cujo.
[dog barking]
Jerry Seinfeld : Shut up! One more day, and you are pound-bound!
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[first lines]
Jerry Seinfeld : So I'm on the plane. We left late. Pilot says, "We're going to be making up some time." Isn't that interesting? They just make up time. That's why you have to reset your watch when you land. Of course when they say they're making up time, obviously, they're increasing the speed of the aircraft. Now my question is, if you can go faster why don't you just go as fast as you can all the time? Come on. There's no cops up here. Nail it. Give it some gas. We're flying!
