Seinfeld (TV Series)

The Apartment (1991)

Jerry Seinfeld: Jerry Seinfeld

Photos 

Quotes 

• Cosmo Kramer : I still don't understand what the problem is having her in the building.

  Jerry : Let me explain something to you. You see, you're not normal. You're a great guy, I love you, but - - you're a pod. I, on the other hand, am a human being. I sometimes feel anxious, uncomfortable, even inhibited in certain situations with the other human beings. You wouldn't understand.

  Cosmo Kramer : Yeah, 'cause I'm a pod.

  Jerry : [Jerry shrugs in agreement] 

• Jerry Seinfeld : People don't turn down money. This is what separates us from animals.

• Jerry Seinfeld : You may think you're an idiot, but with all due respect, I'm a much bigger idiot than you.

  George : Don't insult me, my friend. Remember who you're talking to. No one's a bigger idiot than me.

• [first lines] 

  Jerry Seinfeld : Well, I painted my apartment again. I've been living in this apartment for years and years, and every time I paint it, it kind of gets me down. I look around and think, "Well it's a little bit smaller now." And I realize it's just the thickness of the paint, but I'm aware of it. It just keeps coming in and coming in. Every time I paint it, it's closer and closer. I don't even know where the wall outlets are anymore. I just look for, like, a lump with two slots in it. It kind of looks like a pig. He's trying to push his way through from the other side. That's where I plug in. My idea of the perfect living room would be the bridge on the Starship Enterprise. You know what I mean? Big chair, nice screen, remote control. That's why Star Trek really was the ultimate male fantasy -- just hurtling through space in your living room, watching TV. That's why all the aliens were always dropping in, because Kirk was the only one that had the big screen. They'd come over Friday nights... Klingon boxing. Got to be there.

• George : You're doomed. You're gonna have to have all your sex at women's apartments. It'll be like a permanent road trip. Forget about the home bed advantage.

  Jerry : But I need the home bed advantage.

  George : Of course. We all do.

• Roxanne : The marathon is great, isn't it?

  Jerry Seinfeld : Yes, particularly if you're not in it.

• [last lines] 

  Jerry Seinfeld : What do you do when a neighbor is making, like, a lot of noise at 3:00 in the morning? I mean, can you knock on someone's door and tell 'em to keep it down? You're really altering your whole self-image. I mean, what am I, Fred Mertz now? What's happening to me? Can I do this? Am I a shusher? I used to be a shushee. There's a lot of shushing going on in movie theaters. People are always shushing. "Shh. Shh, shh. Shh!" It doesn't work... Because nobody knows where a shush is coming from. They just hear a "shh!" Was that a shush? I think somebody shushed me. Some people you can't shush in a movie theater. There's always a certain group of people talking and talking. Everyone around them is shushing them, shushing them.