Seinfeld (TV Series)

The Andrea Doria (1996)

Jason Alexander: George Costanza

Photos 

Quotes 

• Cosmo Kramer : 51 people died

  George Costanza : 51 people? That's it? I thought it was like a thousand.

  Cosmo Kramer : 1660 survivors.

  George Costanza : That's no tragedy. How many people do you lose on a normal cruise? 30? 40?

• George Costanza : Ahoy! Mr. Eldridge. I understand you were on the Andrea Doria.

  Clarence : Yes, it was a terrifying ordeal.

  George Costanza : I tell ya, I hear people really stuff themselves on those cruise ships.

  [laughs] 

  George Costanza : The buffet, that's the real ordeal, huh, Clarence?

  [laughs] 

  George Costanza : .

  Clarence : [Defensively]  We had to abandon ship.

  George Costanza : Well, all vacations have to end eventually.

  Clarence : The boat sank!

  George Costanza : [Holding up Kramer's book]  According to this, it took 10 hours. It eased into the water like an old man into a nice warm bath - no offence.

  [pause] 

  George Costanza : So, Clarence, how about abandoning this apartment, and letting me shove off in this beauty?

• George Costanza : I was handcuffed to the bed... In my underwear, where I remained...

  [Scene cuts to another story] 

  George Costanza : She was attractive... She was, also, in fact, a Nazi...

  [Cuts to another story] 

  George Costanza : The water... that I had been swimming in was... very cold. And, when I dropped the towel, there was... significant shrinkage...

  [Scene cuts to another story] 

  George Costanza : Her parents were looking at me... So, there I was, with a marble rye hanging from the end of a fishing pole... In closing, these stories have not been embellished, because - they need no embellishment. They are simply, horrifyingly, the story of my life as a short, stocky, slow witted bald man.

  [Gets up] 

  George Costanza : Thank you.

  [George turns to leave, then remembers one more thing...] 

  George Costanza : Oh, also... my fiancé died from licking toxic envelopes that I picked out.

  [Sobs and loud crying erupts from the board members] 

  George Costanza : Thanks again.

• George Costanza : Even if he did suffer, that was like 40 years ago. What have you done for me lately? I've been suffering for the past 30 years up to and including yesterday.

  Jerry Seinfeld : You know, if this tenant board is so impressed with suffering, maybe you should tell them the astonishing tales of Costanza.

  George Costanza : I should.

  Jerry Seinfeld : I mean, your body of work in this field is unparalleled.