Scrubs (TV Series)

My Faith in Humanity (2005)

Josh Randall: Jake

Quotes 

• Dr. Elliot Reid : Hey, Jake... so, you're probably rushing home to wipe the old person smell off before your trip, uh?

  Jake : Excuse me?

  Dr. Elliot Reid : [scoffs]  No, I'm just kidding, I love old people. Still, there's no denying they have a distinctive smell. I mean, it's nothing bad. It's like a... general mustiness... like... you know when... you get your cast... taken off and... skin mold...

  Nurse Carla Espinosa : Oh...

  Jake : Well, I have a flight to catch... you guys need me to sign anything?

  Dr. Perry Cox : No.

  Nurse Carla Espinosa : No, you're good.

  Jake : OK, then.

  [walks away] 

  Dr. Perry Cox : Hats off there, Barbie... that was one potent combination of verbal diarrhea and stunned silence...

  Nurse Carla Espinosa : You should have just asked him out. Men love that.

  Dr. Perry Cox : No, Carla, men don't love that. It turns out we don't love picnics, foreplay, candles, baths, photo albums, or when you drive so we can relax; and, as always, we're not that big on Hugh Jackman. Look there... the only thing men care about as far as dating is concerned is the chase; if you want that guy to look your way, listen me carefully... ignore the living hell out of him.

  Nurse Carla Espinosa : That's the worst advice I've ever heard!

  Dr. Perry Cox : Good point, Carla. Say, you don't happen to have any other gems before you run off to couples therapy to sift through the wreckage that is the first year of your marriage, do ya?

  Dr. Elliot Reid : Look, Dr Cox, I'm sure that you are fantastic at picking up men, really...

  Nurse Carla Espinosa : Ah ah!

  Dr. Elliot Reid : ...but I can handle this one on my own. Thank you.

• Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Just go, Jake! No one here knows your last name -- if anything happens, he'll never be able to find you. Go enjoy your little rafting thing in New Zealand -- which, incidentally, is ten thousand miles EAST of Australia, and famous for alcoholism and clam chowder. I've been brushing up on my New Zealand.

  Jake : You've been brushing up on New England.

• Jake : I can't believe this is happening.

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Everything's gonna be fine, you just trust me.

  Ted : [Ted arrives]  Is that him?

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Yes. Here's Ted, our brilliant hospital attorney. Sharp as a tack.

  Ted : Mark my words, Jake! We're gonna take every last cent you have!

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : No, no, Ted, we're on his side.

  Ted : [Pulling something from his jacket]  Oh. Here's my card.

  Jake : This is a Post-It.

  Ted : I don't get real cards until I win a case.

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Go take a nap, Ted.

  Jake : [Ted leaves]  He spelled "attorney" wrong.

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : [Takes the Post-It]  "Buy Groceries. Kill Self."

• Jake : Buddy, you would not believe the day I'm having.

  Janitor : Quiet, jackass. What'd you say to Elliot to make her run off like that? 'Cause if you hurt her...

  Jake : I didn't say anything! Everyone around here is crazy.

  Janitor : That's not true. Let me put down my bag of rats and explain something to you.

• Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Look, this woman is alone, she's depressed, and for some reason she feels like she's connected with you.

  Jake : Look, I'm sorry, but I wouldn't know what to say.

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : That's great! Keep it light! Open with a joke, and before you know it you and your raft will be on a four-hour trip to New Zealand!

  Jake : No, it's more like fourteen hours.

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : [Voice over]  Oh no. You're dangerously close to revealing that geography is your Achilles heel. Say something smart to regain credibility.

  [Out loud] 

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Vasovagal syncope is mediated by the autonomic nervous system. And Betty needs you, pal. She does! Come on, do it. You'll feel good, trust me.

  Jake : Trust you? You don't even know where New Zealand is.

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : You can dance your way there from Old Zealand.

  Jake : You an idiot?