- Dr. Perry Cox: Boy oh boy! Looks like you pissed off the wrong guy there, crunchy. Trust me. He'll make you pay.
- Dr. Molly Clock: Oh, Dr. Kelso's all bust. I bet underneath it all he's a sweetheart.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Oh no, underneath it all he is pure evil.
- Dr. Molly Clock: Perry, no one's pure evil, I mean yeah some people have a hard outer shell, but inside everybody has a creamy center.
- Dr. Perry Cox: There are, plenty of people here, on this particular planet who are hard on the outside and hard on the inside!
- Dr. Molly Clock: So they have more of a nougaty center?
- Dr. Perry Cox: Lady. People aren't chocolates. Do you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard coated bastards with bastard filling. But I don't find them half as annoying as I find naive bubble-headed optimists who walk around vomiting sunshine.
- Dr. Molly Clock: I'm touching your creamy center!
- Dr. Perry Cox: Oh I am so very angry that I'm going to find someone to kill just to prove her wrong.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Thanks to your little gesture, she actually believes that the earth is full of people who, deep down, are filled with kindness and caring!
- Dr. Kelso: Well that's absurd. People are bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Exactly!
- Dr. Kelso: Dr Clock, may I have a word?
- Dr. Perry Cox: Uh-oh... it's payback time...
- Dr. Kelso: I got you a present for your trip to Mexico: it's my old Spanish-to-English dictionary. I don't need it anymore, I've mastered the language.
- Dr. Molly Clock: Gracias, señor!
- Dr. Kelso: You're welcom-o!
- Dr. Kelso: Now, our old hospital psychiatrist used to write my wife, Enid, a prescription for crazy pills. He was a dear, dear friend, but he died or moved or something and now I need you to do the honors.
- Dr. Molly Clock: Have her come in for a few sessions, I'll gladly prescribe antidepressants.
- Dr. Kelso: That's going to be a problem.
- Dr. Molly Clock: Why?
- Dr. Kelso: She doesn't know she's taking them.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: You know, on The Sopranos, if a guy caught his brother with his girlfriend, he'd just rub his ass out.
- J.D.: Oh, believe you me, the second I get Dan alone, there's gonna be some serious ass rubbing... I shouldn't smack talk.
- Dan Dorian: [arriving] Hey, mind if I join you guys?
- Dr. Perry Cox: [arriving too] The question you should be asking is "Mind if I diddle your ex?". Oh... and just a great big congratulations on your ongoing streak of being the world's worst older brother.
- [leaves]
- Dan Dorian: [stands, then smiles] Thanks, Coxy.
- J.D.: [narrating] I knew it was my turn to let Dan have it, but for some reason I wasn't mad.
- [out loud]
- J.D.: Listen, Dan...
- Dan Dorian: J.D., let me explain. I came to the hospital to see you... and I ran into Elliot and it just happened. It was an one-time thing.
- J.D.: I'm OK with it.
- Dan Dorian: Great, because it's going on for a few weeks! Elliot's amazing: smart, funny... hhhot! I was in a dark place and she saved me, she really did. I haven't feel this good since my dad died.
- J.D.: Our dad.
- Dan Dorian: Right.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Hold on. When Carla and I came home yesterday, we heard something; did you two hook up in J.D.'s room?
- Dan Dorian: A friend wouldn't ask, a gentleman wouldn't tell.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Did you?
- Dan Dorian: Twice. We didn't go under the sheets, out of respect.
- J.D.: [sarcastically] How thoughtful!
- [Turk is asking Dr. Kelso for a favor]
- Turk: Sir, I promise you, if you offer her the job again she'll say yes. And I'll do anything, I'll pick up extra shifts, I'll volunteer - I'll volunteer at the clinic; Whatever you want!
- Dr. Kelso: Ahh! I want you to kill the giant bat that's been living in my attic!
- Turk: You keep Enid in the attic?
- Dr. Christopher Turk: You know, on "The Sopranos", if a guy caught his brother with his ex-girlfriend, he'd just rub his ass out!
- J.D.: Oh, believe you me, the second I get Dan alone, there's gonna be some serious ass-rubbing.
- [beat]
- J.D.: I shouldn't smack-talk.
- Dan Dorian: [Dan approaches J.D. and Turk in the cafeteria] Hey, mind if I join you guys?
- Dr. Perry Cox: I think the question you should be asking is, "Mind if I diddle your ex?" Oh, and just a great big congratulations on your on-going streak of being the world's worst older brother!
- Dan Dorian: Thanks, Coxy!
- Dr. Elliot Reid: J.D., are you really this upset?
- J.D.: Well how would you feel if I hooked up with one of your siblings?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: A little confused considering I have four brothers. But not surprised. At you or Barry.
- Dr. Kelso: [to Molly] Turns out you can't go to your mom's wedding. There's too much shift-switching going on here and I don't like shift-switching. It's too hard to say!
- Dr. Kelso: Dr. Clock, you don't have to miss your wedding. I was lying about shift-switching. I like doing it, I like saying it -- shift-switching. And I only lied because we were trying to destroy your morale.
- Dr. Molly Clock: Why would you do that?
- Dr. Perry Cox: Well, in our defense, you're overly cheery and we were bored.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: J.D., Dan and I both know this is just a fling. Still, I feel like the worst person in the whole world. Please, can you forgive me?
- J.D.: Elliot, I came here to tell you I was never actually mad at you.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: How could you not be mad that I was hooking up with your brother?
- J.D.: I don't know. I just... wasn't. How could you hook up with my brother without considering my feelings?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: I don't know I--I just didn't.
- J.D.: [Voice over] That's when I realized that Elliot and I had absolutely no romantic feeling for each other anymore.
- Dan Dorian: You know, without Elliot, I never woulda gotten through my dad's death.
- J.D.: Our dad's death.
- Dan Dorian: Right.
- J.D.: [Voice over] Women are checking me out lately. Was it the ten pushups I've been cranking out every other Sunday? Perhaps. More likely it was the pledge I made not to date anyone until Elliot did.