- J.D.: It was all right; we spent most of the time dealing with the headstone problem. See, since Dad was an office supplies salesman, he wanted it to be shaped like a pencil.
- Turk: So?
- Dan Dorian: So, it looked like a giant marble penis - which I maintain, Dad would have liked even more.
- J.D.: What happened?
- Dan Dorian: What, a guy can't take three days off work, travel eight hundred miles on a bus with a double-layer fudge cake just to say "Hey, how're things?"
- J.D.: Dan...
- Dan Dorian: Dad died.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Why are you still antagonising him?
- Dr. Perry Cox: I don't know. I can't stop.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: I am warning you, you better come through for him.
- Dr. Perry Cox: What do you want me to do, anyway?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Be more sensitive. Try giving him a hug.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Barbie... you've met be before, yes? Now, at most, I can muster one hug a year, and nine months ago I hugged my son, so: you're gonna have to do it.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Um, you saw us before, we're still awkward from the break-up.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Hold the phone: are you suggesting that if I sleep with him, that I won't have to deal with problems like this? Because I'm seriously considering taking that hit.
- [as Elliot walks off]
- Dr. Perry Cox: I mean, honestly, what is he like in post-game? Is there spooning? Because I don't spoon, I'm not a spooner.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Listen, Dan...
- Dan Dorian: [points to a beard of bubbles on his chin] Captain Bubblebeard. Sheaht yer scuppers, me hardies!
- [Dr. Cox shoves Dan's head under the bathwater]
- Dr. Perry Cox: Now you're Dan again! Let's break down the kid's support structure, shall we? He's got me, an emotionally crippled narcissist; and he's got you, an emotionally crippled narcissist who is soaking in a tub of what must be, by now, mostly your own urine!
- Dan Dorian: I believe the ratio has shifted, yes...
- Dr. Perry Cox: And I have to believe that together, *together*, Dan, we can make it at least half way to one legitimite adult!
- Dan Dorian: You're right, Coxy!
- [Dan stands up. Dr. Cox frowns at his crotch]
- Dan Dorian: JD needs us, and he needs us now!
- Dr. Perry Cox: Towel!
- Dan Dorian: Let's do this!
- [Dan wraps himself in the towel, and takes one step out of the bathtub before falling flat on his face]
- Dan Dorian: I may have lost some muscle mass in my legs...
- Dr. Perry Cox: Fantastic.
- [Dr. Cox has duct-taped Dan's head to the wall above the bathtub]
- Dan Dorian: What's this?
- Dr. Perry Cox: It's your basic homemade anti-drowning device to be worn until your brother returns.
- Dan Dorian: ...I like it.
- Carla: Welcome to Turk's head. You look hot!
- Dr. Clock: Wait a minute... you're not a lesbian.
- Carla: I am in here.
- Dr. Clock: Yeah... me too!
- [they lean in to kiss]
- J.D.: [waking up] Dammit! Molly, you're a shrink: why is it my daydreams always end right before the sexy part?
- Dr. Clock: I don't know, maybe we should work on that... together.
- [leans in to kiss him]
- J.D.: [waking up] Dammit!
- Turk: Dude! Relax!... and enjoy hot chocolate loooove.
- [leans in to kiss him]
- J.D.: Snap out of it! Abort! ABORT!
- J.D.: [waking up] STOP IT! I DON'T HAVE GAY JUNGLE FEVER!
- Turk: Okay, we should go!
- Carla: Yeah!
- Ted: [in mirror] People are laughing with you. People are laughing with you. People are laughing with you...
- Dr. Perry Cox: Say, Barbie, for a second there, I thought you were being a little bit cold, but then you really saved it with the "
- [sigh]
- Dr. Perry Cox: ... 'Kay."
- Dr. Elliot Reid: What are you going to do, hide from him all day and then call him "Ginger"?
- Dr. Perry Cox: No. It's Monday, which of course means it's Ethnic Day, so I'll be going with Rosalita, and besides, I have a plan.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Which is?
- Dr. Perry Cox: Yeah, unfortunately, the first part of the plan is not to share it with people who annoy me. Want to hear the second part?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Sure
- Dr. Perry Cox: I can't. My hands are tied by the first part
- Carla: Baby, what do you want for lunch today?
- Turk: Baby, please, not in front of her.
- Dr. Clock: Turk, why are you not comfortable around me?
- Turk: You have the ability to get in people's heads. And I don't want you to take this negatively or anything like that, but that makes you a Devil Woman.
- Dr. Clock: Please, I mean, who could imagine what it's like in your head?
- Carla: You're not allowed to get sick, you're my "Superman." I mean, if you're in bed, who's going to give me my back rubs, or unscrew the peanut butter jar, or... walk around all day in my new high heels just to stretch them out.
- Turk: [quickly, to Molly] She's kidding! I've never done that.
- [quietly, to Carla]
- Turk: Not in front of the Devil Woman.
- J.D.: You know, it wasn't exactly easy showering with you in there.
- Dan Dorian: Well, it wasn't exactly easy for me, either. You have Dad's butt.
- J.D.: You think you'll get out of the tub today?
- Dan Dorian: Yeah, today doesn't look good - by the way, could you get me another beer?
- J.D.: No, look, I put a six-pack for you in the toilet.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: He's not a day over fifty-five and he has Alzheimer's. Really makes you think, doesn't it?
- The Janitor: You're over fifty-five, aren't you, sir?
- Dr. Bob Kelso: What's your point?
- The Janitor: Nothing.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Hey, Newbie? Just in case you didn't actually notice, I have been covering all your patients, answering all your pages, and doing pretty much everything shy of picking up your sundress from the drycleaners.
- J.D.: Well, I didn't ask you to do any of that, did I?
- [he storms off]
- Dr. Perry Cox: Outstanding! You're walking away like a pissy little ingrate. I mean, bravo!
- [starts applauding]
- Dr. Perry Cox: Bravo, ah!
- [He whistles as Ted walks up and joins him in applauding. Cox stops clapping]
- Ted: What are we clapping for?
- Dr. Perry Cox: His dad just died.
- [Ted's applause trails off]
- Dr. Perry Cox: Dammit
- Dr. Perry Cox: Truth be told, there, Newbie: I'm proud of you.
- Dan Dorian: Me too.
- J.D.: [narrating] It's amazing how a few simple words can change everything.
- Ted: Well, it took a whole tube of gel, but I finally got my hair down.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: No one male or female ever cared, Ted.
- J.D.: [Carla serves Turk a chocolate cake] What's the occasion?
- Turk: [leaning in] I... have type II diabetes.
- J.D.: Really?
- Turk: Yeah.
- J.D.: That sucks. Carla is aware that if you eat that your foot will fall off, right?
- Turk: Well, I haven't told her yet. But I'm pretty sure she knows, 'cause right now she's trying to get me to 'fess up by tempting her Chocolatey Goodness with chocolatey goodness.