Quotes
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J.D. : It was all right; we spent most of the time dealing with the headstone problem. See, since Dad was an office supplies salesman, he wanted it to be shaped like a pencil.
Turk : So?
Dan Dorian : So, it looked like a giant marble penis - which I maintain, Dad would have liked even more.
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J.D. : What happened?
Dan Dorian : What, a guy can't take three days off work, travel eight hundred miles on a bus with a double-layer fudge cake just to say "Hey, how're things?"
J.D. : Dan...
Dan Dorian : Dad died.
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Dr. Perry Cox : Listen, Dan...
Dan Dorian : [points to a beard of bubbles on his chin] Captain Bubblebeard. Sheaht yer scuppers, me hardies!
[Dr. Cox shoves Dan's head under the bathwater]
Dr. Perry Cox : Now you're Dan again! Let's break down the kid's support structure, shall we? He's got me, an emotionally crippled narcissist; and he's got you, an emotionally crippled narcissist who is soaking in a tub of what must be, by now, mostly your own urine!
Dan Dorian : I believe the ratio has shifted, yes...
Dr. Perry Cox : And I have to believe that together, *together*, Dan, we can make it at least half way to one legitimite adult!
Dan Dorian : You're right, Coxy!
[Dan stands up. Dr. Cox frowns at his crotch]
Dan Dorian : JD needs us, and he needs us now!
Dr. Perry Cox : Towel!
Dan Dorian : Let's do this!
[Dan wraps himself in the towel, and takes one step out of the bathtub before falling flat on his face]
Dan Dorian : I may have lost some muscle mass in my legs...
Dr. Perry Cox : Fantastic.
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[Dr. Cox has duct-taped Dan's head to the wall above the bathtub]
Dan Dorian : What's this?
Dr. Perry Cox : It's your basic homemade anti-drowning device to be worn until your brother returns.
Dan Dorian : ...I like it.
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J.D. : You know, it wasn't exactly easy showering with you in there.
Dan Dorian : Well, it wasn't exactly easy for me, either. You have Dad's butt.
J.D. : You think you'll get out of the tub today?
Dan Dorian : Yeah, today doesn't look good - by the way, could you get me another beer?
J.D. : No, look, I put a six-pack for you in the toilet.
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Dr. Perry Cox : Truth be told, there, Newbie: I'm proud of you.
Dan Dorian : Me too.
J.D. : [narrating] It's amazing how a few simple words can change everything.
